- Alcohol
From a very young age, I always felt different. I felt like my parents weren’t like everyone else’s, the rules were different, and I always felt as though I simply didn’t fit in. I’d soon realize I was trying to fill a God-sized hole with substitution.
My father was an alcoholic long before I was born. I never felt good enough for him. I always tried to be the ideal daughter, and never fit the bill. At home, it was nothing but chaos. Constant yelling, fighting, screaming, door slamming and “Mommy will be home later.” I was confused as to why my mother never wanted to be home and when she was home I wondered why she always cried.
I was six when my brother was born, and he was the apple of my father’s eye. I got so angry and incredibly jealous. My first taste of alcoholism was after my dad was in a drunken rage and locked my mom and I out of the cabin we had in Northeastern Vermont. He told me how he couldn’t believe in God.
In 6th grade, I was accepted to a phenomenal catholic school in Worcester, and then I thought for sure my dad would then be proud. I excelled up until my freshman year, when I started drinking. I finally felt like I fit in! I was cool, and the hole I was trying to fill was full, so I thought! This continued to my sophomore year, as my drinking escalated, and my grades plummeted.
After a vicious run in Worcester living with my enabling, alcoholic father, at 16 years old, I got my first taste of detox. From detox, I went to my first half-way house. Sad to say, I didn’t stay clean, but was introduced to a 12-step program. I had heard things like “Don’t drink, go to meetings and ask for help!” I was told that people had spilled more than I drank! I got angry and complacent and after six months, I decided a drink wouldn’t hurt.
After another run of drinking, I had been placed to live with my father’s parents in western Massachusetts. In July of 2012, the phone rang and the police told me they found my father dead, as a direct result of this disease. My heart was broken, and I thought (with my untreated alcoholism) that I deserved to drink! I went on yet another run. In January of 2013, a dear friend of mine passed away, and continued to use it as an excuse.
On June 17th, 2013, at 18 years old, I woke up in so much pain that I wanted to die. I started calling detoxes, and after eight hours but for the grace of God, got a bed! I got into a half-way house in south Boston, and have been here since July 10th.
I have a sponsor, I do step work, and when I want to drink, I ask for help and pray to a power greater than myself, just like I had heard two short years ago! I call another alcoholic every day, even if it’s just to check in and say “hey”! I go to a recovery high school in Boston, where I continue to get the daily supports I need and I, yet again, am excelling in my academics. My mom is by my side, and couldn’t be more proud. I go to young people conferences, and am learning to have fun in recovery! I am so grateful to wake up every morning and thank a power greater than myself for not wanting to die anymore!