- Alcohol
- Drugs
- Friends & Family
Submitted by: Susanne Johnson
Alcohol, cocaine, speed, valium, and hash… I did all of those drugs for many years during my life in Glasgow, Scotland. It started with the alcohol at about age 13. I was born into an alcoholic home. My father was a violent, unpredictable alcoholic and addict. My father died of alcoholism when I was seven years old. When he died, he left my mother with seven children under the age of twenty. All six my siblings and I brought the police to my mother’s door. There was violence. I was destined to drink, I couldn’t wait to drink, and my first drunk was a blackout drunk.
I felt unworthy all my life. I had no self-esteem. I thought that everybody was above me and I was below them.
I started out in the top of the class at school, then at age 13 I experienced the nightmare that was my home life. I also discovered alcohol. By the next year, I was in the bottom of my class. The year after that, I didn’t even go back to school.
My mother never drank or used drugs. I’m sure it was so hard for her to be with that husband and children. None of my siblings found everlasting recovery– only me. Two of my siblings have died, and I am only 51 years old today. For me, there is no coincidence– addiction is a family disease.
I received the gift of recovery. Because of that, my life is beyond my wildest dreams and more. It all happened because I walked through the doors of a 12-step program with the willingness to succeed.
I was on my knees with alcohol and cocaine. I went to my doctor and I got pills to help with the cravings. Although it was a bumpy path, I stopped on my own.
I did become addicted to drugs and it took me seven years after I stopped drinking to enter the 12-step fellowship and find my complete freedom. I was addicted to speed, hash and many other substances. I became a drug dealer and sold illegal substances.
During those seven years, my brain would tell me to drink as soon as the drugs wore off. But I did promise my sister, and even swore on my mother’s life that I would never drink again. So, I stayed on drugs only.
It doesn’t matter how long it has been since your last drink– as soon as you pick up one drink, you go back to hell. At that time, I thought I had been cured of alcoholism. I knew the hell I was in seven years prior, and there was no way that I was going back there.
I was confused because I thought there really was a quick-fix cure for alcoholism. I couldn’t sort out my thoughts. Now I know that there is no total cure for alcoholism. Once I realized that there was no quick-fix, I went to the program to find relief.
Today, I have six years of total sobriety. We have 365 meetings a week in Glasgow; my support is strong. I was a violent, unpredictable alcoholic and addict. Today I’m a daughter, I’m a sister, I’m a partner, I’m a friend and a member of society.
I now work as a sign language interpreter for the deaf. That all began when I was in a meeting one day where I met some deaf people. I thought to myself that is would be fantastic to have a meeting that was simultaneously translated for them, so they could also follow also the program. Shortly after, I started going to school to learn sign language. I made it my new career to work with the deaf.
Before alcoholism and addiction took over, I had a house and was a manager before it was all lost to substance use. My new career is now the fulfilling part of my life that I was always craving. Since my biological family is still fully in the grips of the disease and the madness of addiction estranged us all from each other, my 12-step fellowship is now my family, and I love them with all my heart. My mother is the only one in my life today, and that is only to a degree, as she honors that I got sober.
I love my work, and I have a partner in my life. He lives in a different country in Europe (the Netherlands) but we see each other twice a month. He is in recovery as well and got sober here in Scotland. I try not to make plans for the future because all I have is today.
Three times a week, I watch over the baby of my niece for a little time because the baby’s father was killed in an accident. Also I like to spend time with my mother and take her out. Most of all, I enjoy going on peaceful, quiet walks in the park with my dogs. I’m happy in my own skin, and don’t face that train wreck in my head anymore. It is a miracle. I used to hate myself so much; today I love the person I’ve become.
Before, I could never imagine not drinking, even in my wildest dreams. Drinking was the most important thing in my life. It came before having children, having a family, or having a career. Alcohol came before everything. I never thought I would stop drinking.
The only person I can be better than is the person I was yesterday. There is no one above and no one below– we all stand head to head, and toe to toe. Everything I got today is a direct result of being clean and sober. I am so glad that I found long-term recovery.
I lost everything in my addiction, but the most important thing I lost was me. I’m glad I found it again in the process of my recovery. I’m happy, joyous, and free today. I have peace in my heart, and peace in my head. I’m a member of society. I am hopeful and useful, and I love being me.