- Friends & Family
I grew up in a great household. We lived in a huge house with my mom and dad and five kids. I was the second youngest and we pretty much lived at our church and went to school there until graduation.
My father and I have always been distant, he appears to be a living teddy bear, but is actually a very passive-aggressive, cold man. As a child, I was so close to my mom that I knew about my father and what he did to her by my instincts and emotions. For instance, when my mom’s back went out, he didn’t help–I became the housewife.
Once I grew up, after many trials, I found a man and became pregnant. He was just like my father, and just like my mom did, I found a way to love him.
Throughout my pregnancy, I was abused physically and mentally, and I was also taking pills.
My daughter came out with some withdrawal but no drugs in her system so child protective services were not called. (I did not admit it, but now I deeply wish they had been called.) So things got worse.
Soon, I was stealing pills and other medications from my mom who was, by then, disabled and in pain every day. She used her meds as directed and already had a hard time getting them in time. My dad, then age 74, also had a bad hip. I would switch all of his Percocet pills with Tylenol and take every single one within four days. I was actually sucking on Fentanyl patches. My poor mother had to wear all her meds strapped on in her pants to keep them safe. I even lied through my teeth and lost my baby sister’s trust—and my baby sister was my best friend. I became the one person I despised so much.
My daughter saved my life because I so badly wanted to be a good mom. One day the father got extremely intoxicated and went after me when I was holding my eight-month old daughter in my arms. I called the cops and he was arrested. By that time, I lost all contact with my loved ones. My older sister offered to take care of my daughter so I could get clean.
A week went by and my daughter’s father got out of jail and wanted to make things work and change. I became so used to and conditioned to him that without him I was lost. Two more days went by an I realized I couldn’t live without my daughter and called my sister and said I was going to pick up my daughter and take her back. My sister went to the courts that day and got emergency temporary custody.
That killed me. I felt betrayed, alone, defeated, lost, and too deep in my own situation. I had fallen and lost the one things that was light in my life; my daughter was my heart out of my body. I went through withdrawal from pills and used weed to help me. I got a job and started working but couldn’t stop the weed by myself and even to this day I still don’t get it.
Over the next year, I kept contact with my sister and Skyped and called my daughter but didn’t do any drug testing because I was on THC. I needed I leave where I lived to get better. We were in California and my sister was in Arizona. I moved to Phoenix to a place called TLC. It was a transitional living property.
I moved to Phoenix and worked my butt off. I went to work daily, meetings daily, and did service work daily.
I learned that God has a plan. Even though I got clean and at the time of my decision, I had a year sober… but I chose to let my sister adopt my daughter. By then my daughter was two years old, and my sister’s son was like a brother and they had a great home whereas I was just starting. I had no car and used the bus to get around.
When the judge finally made that decision for me, and I moved forward and worked to get a place where I could keep my daughter… I realized it would be so difficult to take her away and move her to a small apartment with a struggling mom who was trying to pay for daycare, and riding the bus for everyday life. As much as it hurt me, I had to give up; I had to make the right choice for her. Without my higher power my thoughts would be clouded but I was able to see clear.
I want to be an advocate for moms in recovery that are fighting for their kids. Yes, we all want our kids with us, but I learned I had to do what was right for my daughter. Because of her, I’m clean. I left her father and she’s protected from him. Today, I have a fiancé and am pregnant. Yes, it hurts every day because I lost a person who is still alive– my heart is in another home. However, all this is for her and if it wasn’t for her and me wanting to make sure I fight for her every day, I would not be where I am today. I’ve learned to be selfless and when I’m hurting, I reach out and try to let it go. I let go and let God and He guides me to a life He always had planned for me and my daughter. I’m a fighter.