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Are You Ever Happy?

Jamie Thompson
| February 12, 2018

I have been asked this question many times in my life by guys I have dated. I knew the question was on its way from the guy I most recently attempted to date. I wanted things to be different this time so I decided to take a step back and get honest with myself. I met the guy during a turbulent time when I was needing a big change. After our first date, I felt high like I had just done dope. It had been well over a year since I had lasted dated anyone. I used to stop using for a few weeks while planning a relapse so that first time would feel really good. I now found myself flooded with dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins. These are the hormones that crystal meth caused to be dumped into my system.

I immediately found myself addicted to the feeling of being in lust and love all too soon.

The craving of wanting more and more set in. I couldn’t get enough and I certainly didn’t want the high to end. I got upset when he would not spend the night with me after having spent the last 4 or 5 nights. It was like the dope man telling me it would be two days before he would have anything for me. When I expressed my dissatisfaction it only made things worse. I immediately felt sad and angry just like I was jonesing for the next high. I was blind to this for a few weeks which caused a few fights and began to push him away. Clingy. That’s the ugly word that comes to mind.

One day, we spent the entire day together in the mountains and had a wonderful time. On the way home, he tells me that he has to work every day the next week so we wouldn’t have a day together for another week. I immediately started obsessing about what I wasn’t going to have and what I was going to miss out on. The great day was coming to an end and I am sealing it up with a horrible feeling for both of us. Several other instances like that occurred and they all ended the same.

Why was I doing this? I was allowing the disease of “not enough” get the best of me. I wanted every day and every minute to feel good.

I found ways to blame him for my misery. He wasn’t doing enough to make me happy. WAIT! What? For the first two years of my recovery I had done a great job at making myself happy and now I was dependent on another person for my happiness.

I woke up to a new consciousness when I admitted to myself that I was addicted to the guy. I realized I needed to stay in the moment to enjoy whatever might be happening. When I was sad about what he didn’t do yesterday or what I wasn’t going to have tomorrow, I was miserable. I stopped trying to be in control because I was reminded that I am powerless over every person except myself. The same principles of recovery became applicable to this newest manifestation of my addiction.

In less than two months, the supply of “love” was depleted. I had done enough damage to the relationship that it is no more. We remain friends, and I am grateful for that. I am also grateful for the lessons that I have learned and been reminded of.

  • Don’t lose sight of what I have at any given moment in the present.
  • Feelings of ecstasy and anger both dissipate, neither will last forever.
  • The more I want and expect, the more miserable I will be.
  • The other person is a human having a human experience just like me.
The disease of addiction manifests itself in many ways. It is up to me to find ways of coping with life on life’s terms without trying to make things happen exactly as I think they should.

I am determined to move further away from misery and into a space of peace while knowing that life will always present challenges. It is now my choice to be conscious and aware of who I am and how I interact with the world around me. I will remain open to the teachers who cross my path and the lessons they offer me. I choose to create a life when the question turns into an observation, “It is nice to see you so happy even when things don’t go the way we planned.”

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