Moving to the Groove
I have been writing this blog over the past couple of years. It has been a highlight of my month and also quite thought provoking to sit down and figure out the many different ways I could truly share one specific message with you. I would like to thank everyone who gave input about the topics and inspired me to write about many different topics! It was a huge help.
There is great beauty in change and growth through recovery. It is possible and you are not alone. I began this journey not knowing what could potentially happen. I have come to understand that active addiction took me further from my spirit. Its main purpose in my life was to keep me at arm’s length so whenever I reached for something else, addiction would be the creeper that had me answering to it once again.
As I allowed myself to repetitively find excuses, it got plain old. Much like a broken record. These “substances” have the capacity to twist the very sight of transformation into the most fearful experience one could attempt. All addiction did was take and take from me and still I was ridden with fear. It robbed my mind, body and soul; finally I could not take it anymore. Once I knew the gravity of this, I no longer wanted to waste away my life.
I slowly stepped toward my spirit and my relationship with God (my higher power). I never lost my faith. I did, however, feel abandoned and was not open to the guidance. I always have and will be-lieve. What God looks like to me— nature and energy, loving and all encompassing. I had to put my trust in this again with all my heart because, in trusting just myself, I made poor decisions that led to everything being unmanageable. So when I began trusting that a force outside of me could guide me, it did!!! It does on a daily basis.
I stumbled upon an answer that was the opposite of addiction. It was love. Love for myself, love for my fellow human beings, and once that happened the feeling to use left me. It no longer was a logical solution for anything. As time passes, my gratitude grows stronger and stronger. My enthusiasm and love for this process has invited my spirit to come alive. I align with others at the times that I am supposed to meet and reconnect with again. That may sound crazy but the way it happens is too serendipitous to be random. In a healthy, mature way I have learned to have an immense amount of self-love. After coming from a place where I did not like myself, these feelings have given me vast freedom.
I am no longer dreaming! I am wide-awake and very clearly see something quite disturbing with this picture. So what can we do to change it?
Keep sharing our real life stories! The actual darkness that no one wants to talk about sits in the midst of all these painful experiences. The shadow side of this reality needs to be talked about whenever possible. How the shadow side causes disconnection and things to be dull. This epidemic is killing people everyday. It is easy to shift the blame to something else totally negating the guilty culprit. That is how it deceives by allowing you to blatantly disregard it when it is obvious.
It is important to talk about what has been possible to overcome and how one is continuing to stay healthy. Not to mention the profound change that occurs when you make the decision to change. These are the things we need to speak about so they can become stepping-stones for those at the beginning or even contemplating taking the leap of faith toward this change. Bringing awareness to younger generations so they don’t have to grow up thinking using is cool and they actually see how badass it is to be authentic. Generations of people can see their capacity to create change and want share their genuine gifts. They will no longer feel it is necessary to hide from them. We have to con-tinue empower together. The more awareness we share, the better the outcome.
I became empowered by the opportunity to be me from the very beginning. I did not feel ashamed and I sure didn’t want to keep this from people. Having that belief breaching new territory was one of the best things that could have happened to me.
I found a lot of inspiration from the people around me through sharing my story. All of my family knew what was going on, supported me and encouraged my progress along this ride. When I got into school and chose to explain my story to my professor, he encouraged me and spoke to the life I was opening myself up to. That helped me so much. I shared it with classmates and some of them were struggling and chose to talk to me about it.
So as much as I owe my recovery to the recovery community, the people around me that I felt comfortable talking to about my decision to stop using also helped. When I went to UNC Charlotte, I got connected to do all the CRC work began when I talked to my doctor. She asked, “How much do you drink?” I was so excited to share with her I was in recovery. As a direct response, she connected me with a woman who could further help me within the school system. This is all because I see this as an opportunity for growth in my life and the positive affects it exuded.
So here I am a woman who lived to destroy herself is now happy to be improving her personal standards. This is powerful, and, by God, many other people thought so, too. My involvement with YPR and being the Chapter Lead for YPR Charlotte, NC, working as a life skills counselor in sober living and by being an active member in the Charlotte recovery community has been paramount on this path. I have had so many experiences in my life that have been positive and helped other people because of the inspiration I recognized my story sparked. This is how my story led into my work with Heroes.
I had just lost my job and had no clue what was going to happen from that point. I knew if I just kept pressing on and putting action into the next steps it would be revealed. My dear friend and one of my mentors Carol R. told me about Heroes In Recovery. That word of mouth about Heroes In Recovery was such a Godsend. I immediately went to the website and loved it! From the moment I saw what this movement was about I wanted to be a part of the Heroes family.
Next, I started filling out the application. When I got to a specific section I thought I could list answers by pressing the space bar but instead it sent my application without me finishing it. I had an immediate feeling, oh no I have screwed up and I am not going to get a chance to finish. I got the idea to call and talk to them about my error and just see what I could do to rectify the situation. Jordan picked up the phone. He was such a nice guy, very inviting and made me feel so welcome just by that initial interaction. (Thank you Jordan!) I explained the situation. I told him I was really interested and hoped that this would not weigh against my chances for this opportunity. I shared with him that Carol R. told me about them and I knew her from our involvement from the CRC at University of North Carolina at Charlotte. Jordan said he was familiar with who I was and our program and said, “I will put in a good word for you.” I can’t tell you how tremendous that felt. I spent a lot of time working toward things only to self-sabotage and get negative results. There I was, seeing a negative situation become positive. I interviewed with Heidi and Sabrina. I had been accepted!!! They wanted me to work with them! This wonderful life-changing experience had taken off.
The past two years I have had the honor of being a Lead Advocate for Heroes in Recovery. I got this position through an application and sharing my story. Another example of the ripple effect our stories create. This participation has allowed me to experience some of the best times of my life. I got the once in a lifetime chance to work with so many wonderful people.
All my fellow lead advocates, I will miss you guys. I feel so blessed to know each and every one of you. Heidi, I am so grateful for you and all the guidance and support you gave us. I look forward to always staying in touch. From writing blogs, to going to our training summits, 6K races and being immersed in real life Heroes stories from those affected by addiction and mental health. If Heroes has taught me anything, it is that there are wonderful people in this world that find new and creative ways to help create change.
Getting communities involved and getting them to see how being a part of the much bigger picture is beneficial to everyone. To see those in recovery as Heroes and going the extra distance has lit up so many eyes whenever people hear more about the movement.
This group of people tends to not see how strong of Heroes they are and to have someone point it out creates a positive reinforcement. I can’t thank you enough for bringing this message to life. It has profound effects and will continue to change/save lives.
Even as I move on from this position after January, I will always stand by this message and continue to share it everywhere I go. I can’t thank the Heroes family and Foundations Recovery Network enough for all the love and support you have given me. Thank you for presenting me with the Heroes Award in 2014 at the Moments of Change Conference, for recognizing my achievements. Thanks to my higher power and this blossoming recovery lifestyle I lead. That was truly a fairy tale come true and a moment I will always cherish.
Godspeed,
Hillary