- Alcohol
- Drugs
- Friends & Family
What was your journey through addiction like and when did you decide to live your life in sobriety?
I had been on the streets for about 20 years. My childhood was confusing. My dad gave me morals and values, but my mom was a drug dealer and taught me how to live on the street, be a crack addict and IV user. No one in my life really even knew if I was dead or alive. I could never really even grasp what sober meant. I never thought it was possible for someone living the life that I’ve lived (living on the streets, prostituting myself, giving my own child away) to get sober.
I was found in a ditch on Christmas Eve of 2009. I went straight to detox simply to get some food and some sleep. But while I was there, I heard a girl tell her story and, for the first time in my life, I had some hope. Her past was much like mine. I remember grabbing hold of her and asking her to tell me what she did and if she could help me. That was the beginning for me.
She told me about a treatment center and when I went there, it completely changed my life. I think what made the difference with this center is that the counselors were all alcoholics/addicts. I was blown away because I saw these people that were just like me, living a totally new life– and they seemed so happy. I stayed and went through all the 12 steps while I was there, and realized that I wasn’t just a drug addict, I was an alcoholic. They explained to me about the concept of the disease and walked me through the way that my mind works. Since then, my life has drastically changed. I have my 19-year-old son back, and I have a really good relationship with my family today. My father looks at me with such love now…he’s actually proud of me. I’m a productive member of society today.
I used to wonder what it would be like if I could go back in time and not use. How different would things be now? But now I understand that the alcohol and drug addiction was just a symptom of a bigger problem. I have never felt comfortable in my skin. I know it sounds crazy, but I’m glad I’m an alcoholic. I would have never learned how to live a healthy life otherwise. I finally feel like I fit in.
How do you cope during stressful times? What is your means of self-care?
When things aren’t going my way, it is best for me to seek out another girl and help her so I don’t continue to focus on my problems. When I get too much into me and my problems, my mind does funny things and thinking starts to change. It’s much better staying out of myself and into service.
I go to treatment centers and help other girls like me. I didn’t get a driver’s license until I was 38 and two years sober. I didn’t get my first legal job until I was 36 (everything in sobriety is new to me). When I hear these girls talk about feeling the need to fix things on the outside, I share my experience with them. I tell them how I had absolutely nothing when I came into the program. But I worked hard and now I have a little something. Thanks to people in the program I have home, a job and a vehicle, but it took time.
What would you say you’re most proud of today as a result of going through the process of recovery?
I can look at myself in the mirror without feeling guilty. My life was basically trash and today, it’s gold. Today I can help another person and give them hope just as it was given to me.
I can be a mom and a daughter and be present for it. My stepmom is in the hospital right now having a pace maker put it and I’m able to be there. I do still have a relationship with my biological mother. I do love her and I know that she tried to do the best she could…she’s just really sick. I am mindful enough to set boundaries. Still, she’s my biggest fan…she shows up every year when I get my chip. I’m hoping that one day, she’ll be picking up a chip of her own. I believe that God can do anything.
If someone is struggling and is lost and doesn’t know how to ask for help, what words of encouragement would you offer?
I feel like if I could take half of the energy I used destroying my life into to asking for help, it would have made such a difference. I was never scared to ask for money or scared to violate someone’s house or do virtually anything to get high. I’ve learned during this process to put that energy into asking for help. If I would have never had the courage to go up to that one girl who shared her story in rehab, I don’t know what would have become of me.
For years I went through this feeling like I was completely alone, but I’m not anymore. There are so many people out there that struggle with addiction. It doesn’t discriminate…it comes in all shapes, sizes, walks of life, etc. And our responsibility in recovery is to be there to help others. Sometimes we don’t have to say anything except “help.” I would encourage anyone that needs it to simply ask.