- Alcohol
- Friends & Family
Submitted by: Susanne Johnson
I was born to parents who loved me very much. I was an only child. Neglect did NOT lead me to alcoholism. I was a little bit of an outcast, a big muscular kid, always a little chubby, just different and not bullied. When I was 12, two friends and I scored 14 beers. I drank 10. They split the rest and baby-sat and cleaned up after me. That was the start. I was always the binge drinker. I began playing guitar at age 12 as well…gonna be a rock star!! A good career for a binge drinker!
I never felt like I fit in, but when I was drunk, I was the man! I was always trying to seem more than I was. This pattern played a big role in my life until I got sober.
Throughout high school I played football, partied with the jocks, and played music and partied with the stoners. I was the only guy to smoke with my buddies after school before football practice! I always had a girlfriend, or psychological hostage as Dale T. calls them, but I never felt comfortable, unless my brain was altered in some way. I always had a job to support my habits, but never excelled at anything. School suffered for music, music suffered from drink and drug, but I had to party like a rock star, right? Eventually this mediocre lifestyle would help me to hit my bottom.
After high school I had no plans. No plans for college. Just work and play music and go through life without a care; very selfish. When I turned 21, it got worse. I was always having a beer, hung over more often than not. In hindsight, this was all because I wasn’t putting any work into accomplishing any of my goals.
When I was 24, my mother committed suicide. This became my excuse for the next 14 years!! I knew I was an alcoholic. I would have occasional months, even 2 years once, of white-knuckle sobriety. Then, as the book says, an even worse relapse. On and on this cycle repeated itself, until my ( now ex) wife called my godmother to have a Come-to-Jesus chat with me. Oh boy! She asked why I drank constantly, why I was so depressed. I spewed out some excuses, wanting her to leave me alone. One of my excuses, was the fact that my own daughter hadn’t spoken to me in 6 years!! Now is where it gets cool. I finally got rid of godmother and went to the liquor store. In my change after my purchase was a dollar bill. I still carry this dollar bill. It said “God, get right or get left.” I shrugged it off, drove home, checked the mail and in the mailbox was a letter from my daughter!! I hadn’t heard a word from her in 6 years until that day of all days! God had to hit me upside the head to get me to listen. I did listen. That was my bottom, and I wanted out. Two days later I went to treatment for 23 days, plus 6 months of after care. My daughter visited every Sunday.
I went to meetings, 90 for 90, I stayed accountable and held nothing back. I stayed HONEST!! I felt like a new man. I have been sober for just over 6 1/2 years. I chair an open meeting every Thursday and I LIVE every day. I wanted to die for so long. I wanted to be nothing and I almost succeeded. After a year and a half, I finally wasn’t jealous of normal drinkers any more. Acceptance had come.
I play with two great friends who are normal drinkers. They support me and they know my past, including my problems with alcohol. To be honest, if I grabbed a beer, I’d probably get an a%$ kicking!! But they love me, and I love them. Together, we are GODSPEED. We write and record our own music. Our first song is played weekly on our city’s biggest rock station! My fellow alcoholics come to watch us play sometimes, and we take over a corner and have a blast! We LIVE! I know almost every musician for 100 miles and I am constantly answering the question “How can you stay sober?” I talk to one, and then another, about how they can live without alcohol. They can become who they were meant to be. They know how I was before, and if I can do it, so can they! And so can you. It’s never too late to start fresh, clear the wreckage and learn who you truly are inside. Life after alcohol has been clear and bright. I want to wake up in the morning. I want to live. Thank you for listening, GODSPEED!!