- Mental Health
- Other Addictions
I’ll start from the beginning. At the start of the new year, I was in a deep dark depression and along with that came self-harming actions along with very intensive suicidal thoughts. At that point, my therapist and I decided that hospitalization would be our best option. From that point, I went to the local hospital for a psychiatric assessment. After the assessment, I was transferred by police car in handcuffs to my first hospital admission. That was how I spent my New Year’s Day, admission to the psychiatric hospital.
I was discharged about a week later and very anxious to begin nursing school. I was hopefully going to distract myself from the depression and continue to use my passion for nursing. After school had started, I was not in a healthy state to begin with, but I pressed on. The depression continued to get worse and wasn’t stopping. My self-harm was eating up my legs and moving to my back. I was having suicidal thoughts daily, and they continued to get worse. I would spend nights thinking of what I could do. I had plenty of car trouble that week, and the place I was working had just closed, therefore I had a car that barely drove and was unemployed.
I was at a breaking point.
I attempted suicide using 100 units of insulin (I forgot to mention that I’m a type-1 diabetic). I ended up calling a friend and she rushed me to the hospital. From there, I was transferred to ICU at another hospital, and after getting my diabetes regulated, I was sent to the psychiatric unit. While I was there, all I could think about was getting back to school. I was so dedicated that I had brought my books to the hospital and was preparing for our first test. I had a friend who came to visit, and she brought class notes. After seven more days, I was discharged with a bipolar 2 diagnosis. I came back home and went straight back to school. I had a makeup test and then another test following close behind.
At that point, I was still in a deep, dark depression and it was only getting worse. I lost about 20 pounds in two-and-a-half weeks, I wasn’t sleeping, and isolation was my best friend. I got to a point to where I couldn’t handle it. I went and spoke to my professors, asking them if it would be possible to be involved in a Partial Hospitalization Program and continue in school. They discussed with me that it wouldn’t be an option, and I would end up failing out, something neither of them wanted to happen. I withdrew the next day from classes and went back to the hospital.
I returned to live with my parents and went to begin that program within the next day or so. I was assessed at another hospital. still with intense suicidal thoughts, and at that point they decided to keep me for 10 days as inpatient. I was discharged to finally enter the Partial Hospitalization Program, which took place seven days a week while I slept at home. Finally, my own bed.
I was in the Partial Hospitalization Program for four weeks and then transitioned to their Intensive Outpatient Program. This program was half a day and then I was able to go home for the rest of the day. I was in that program for about six more weeks and discharged at the beginning of May. Toward the end of May, I was experiencing the extreme suicidal thoughts yet again. Once again, I decided that suicide would be my best option, and I continued with 300 units of insulin, hoping that would ease my depression and mental pain. Yet here I am, despite three lifetime attempts and three lifetime failures.
I returned to the Intensive Outpatient Program for another month, hoping for help, especially with my depression and mental pain. After four psychiatric hospital visits, monthly visits, and one to two therapy sessions per week, my doctor and I are still working on getting my medications settled with something that doesn’t affect my diabetes. We continue to work on that cocktail. I have made plenty of progress, and I have decided to return to school after a rough seven months.
Needless to say, I have been through a lot, but I somehow made it through.
I’ve spent time trying to reevaluate and edit my support group to those who can and will support me. I continue to follow my dream, despite having suicidal thoughts at random times every so often. However, therapy has taught me ways to cope and not give in to something I once