- Alcohol
- Drugs
Submitted by Sue Felices
I am an alcoholic pothead. Growing up in an alcoholic home, I became a confused child and adolescent. We portrayed the image of the “white picket fence” family, but things just didn’t make sense. My father was an alcoholic but wasn’t mean in his behavior; my mother’s resulting codependency made things very difficult to decipher. There was a difference between what people said and what they did.
This grew into feelings of never being “enough.” I never felt cool enough, pretty enough, included enough, and always needed more attention from everybody. In adolescence, all bets were off. The boys had beer, and I was introduced to pot; I finally felt much better. Uncomfortable feelings went away, and I was off the planet, which is just where I felt comfortable.
I had been using since high school. As my life unfolded, I continued to abuse alcohol and pot. I married twice, both times to alcoholics, and I have two sons. I was well into my forties when, one night, after I dragged myself up the stairs to bed, all messed up, I took a good look in the mirror. I weighed practically nothing, because I was pretty much only drinking, and I was eating very little. I was given a moment of grace. I saw myself and what I had become, and I asked my higher power to help, although I didn’t know that’s what I was doing at the time.
This happened just before Christmas, and I told myself I would go to AA right after the New Year. I didn’t want to spoil the holidays, but I did anyway. On January 3rd, I went to my first AA meeting. I struggled and relapsed in February, but I told my sponsor. She said, “Just change your date.” With the typical thinking of an alcoholic, I told her I didn’t want to change my date. She repeated, “Just change your date.” I changed my date and listened to what she and others at the meetings told me to do. I have been sober since February 21st , 2000.
It has been a long, slow process, but I was open and willing right away. I was desperate and wanted what others had in sobriety. My truth is that I am an alcoholic, I cannot drink in safety, and I can stay away from drinking and drugs one day at a time with Alcoholics Anonymous and its 12 steps. They changed the way I think and saved my life.
Recovery has not been without its struggles. Keeping my thinking from going into chaos is one of the biggest. Allowing myself to be vulnerable is another, and so is dealing with the fear, loneliness, and anger that may come along with that. I moved across the country last year, and all those feelings resurfaced. It never made me question my move; I have learned that I just needed to work through the feelings.
I can say that I am very happy being sober and proud of the hard work I have done to achieve and maintain my sobriety. I have been able to make amends and pass on the truth. What keeps me motivated to continue to live in recovery is the memory of where I was when I walked into the door of my first AA meeting. My life sober, even with the hard days, is so much better. How I now look at life and how I feel all reinforce my sobriety. My sobriety has also changed my relationships. Being sober, I know I cannot control others, and I cannot help those who are not ready. Al-Anon showed me my true powerlessness—that everyone has his or her own journey. I can be there as a real friend to listen, and I was able to be there for my parents at the end of their lives. I have become a better mother and am able to serve society because of sobriety. Working the steps continues to help me grow and improve my life, so I continue to do them and pass them on to others through sponsorship. There are suggestions with me on this road: “Say the serenity prayer,” “Keep your head where your feet are,” and “Don’t think—don’t drink—go to meetings.” They are all reminders from others that keep me on this road.
I hope that in hearing my story and what worked for me someone else can find something that may provide some hope. I’d like others who are starting this journey to know that Alcoholics Anonymous is a simple program, but it is not easy, so let people help you. Go to a meeting, strap yourself in, and sit up front. When you are willing, there is hope. You can do it. It is the best thing I did for myself. It can save your life; it surely saved mine.