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Jonathan Q. shared his recovery journey with Heroes in Recovery lead advocate Marta Mrotek at the Recovery Results Conference in Dallas, TX.
What brought you to the Recovery Results?
I am here promoting a partial hospitalization clinic for behavioral health and chemical dependency out of Plano Texas.
How did you find yourself in the recovery community?
I found myself involved in the recovery community because when I was 18 years old I had already been in jail, several times, been kicked out of my house when I was 17 and ended up in a shelter. And I was just basically out there drinking and drugging. A lot. At one point my parents let me move back in with them and I knew that something needed to change but I didn’t know what, or how. Then I just happened to run into a friend of mine who told me that he was sober. When he said it I thought he meant just that he wasn’t drunk right then at the time. And I thought, “Wow, OK maybe he wants to go get drunk.” I figured that was the only thing that he could mean. But then he said, “No you don’t understand. I don’t drink it all.” Really, I mean at that time I never even thought that was possible. It had me so curious, just the idea that you don’t have to drink made me wonder how does something like that happen? So he took me to my first AA meeting and that was almost 30 years ago. My actual sobriety date is July 16, 2005.
Was there a defining moment where you knew that something had to change?
There was a point where I really thought that I was going to die. That made me angry at God, my parents and everyone I knew. I just felt completely and totally abandoned and helpless. I knew something had to change, I just didn’t know how to change it.
How is your life different today?
That is an incredible question. I could almost just rip a page out of the Big Book and read it. Today I can look people in the face. I don’t carry shame around with me everywhere I go. I know where I was last night. I know what I did yesterday. I’ve got a job. And what’s crazy is that not only can I support myself but I can actually support my family. I can support my wife and my two kids. That just blows my mind, I have kids. Who would want this guy to be anybody’s daddy? It’s amazing. I’ve got these two incredible daughters and I get to watch them grow and practice the same principles that I’ve learned in recovery with them. I model and practice forgiveness with them and making amends. Because I’m not perfect. That’s the other thing I realize that I’m not perfect and it’s OK. But when I make a mistake I go through that process that we learn in the 12 steps. What does it look like to ask for forgiveness? What does it look like to inventory your day?
When I lose it with my kids what does it look like to walk up to them and say, “Hey daddy shouldn’t have reacted that way. Will you please forgive me?” Being able to wake up every morning and really feel good. To have a spiritual connection with God. To understand community, not only an Alcoholics Anonymous but also community in the church. To be considered a resource in religious circles because they know that I’ve got something unique to offer people. To be asked into conversations, whether in AA or at my church or with my neighbors, people know that they can ask me for help when their loved ones are struggling. To go from the guy who was arrested, a lost and nonfunctioning drunk to the guy that people seek because I understand what woundedness looks like and what you need to do about it. How could you not want to be involved with that?
What is one piece of advice or inspiration that you would give to someone who is still out there suffering or early in recovery?
Don’t be fooled. This disease is a killer. It is a killer. Alcohol and addiction are not laughing matters. I always used to joke that the -ism is out to get you but I really believe that without community, without recovery, without some kind of spiritual connection there is just a handful of places that you will go. That’s complete despair, jail or death. And that’s it. Get into recovery, AA, NA it doesn’t really matter what it is, find a 12 step program. Just get into recovery and get community. Don’t listen to what people say about who you should be or about how you should be able to handle alcohol or drugs.
The bottom line is that if you need to get sober you need to get sober. If that means putting family or friends off then that’s what needs to happen. This is about your life. It’s not about what someone else wants for you, it’s about figuring out what you need and want for yourself. Once you get in that recovery circle don’t give up. Stay sober keep communicating, don’t give up, don’t take your life. Those are my two biggest pieces of advice – don’t give up and don’t take your life. Just keep plugging away because it will change, no matter how bad you think it is now, when you get sober, as long as you are being open, honest and plugged into other people in the community, sharing no matter how ugly it is, things will get better. It will change.
The second part to that is that none of us are perfect. 20 years sober and you will still have pain in life. You can still have a lay off, you can still get diagnosed with a disease, it doesn’t mean that you stop. The truth of the matter is that this time we have here is not really what it’s all about. Find a spiritual connection. This isn’t all there is. I really believe that from the bottom of my heart. Everything we have here is just prepping us for what’s next. Those of us who have had the hardest lessons are the ones who have the most to give. Keep that in mind. A lot of people feel like the struggles of the past caused us to go down this road but those struggles become badges of honor. Those are the reasons why I am the person I am today. Those are the reasons why I can be the father that I am, the worker that I am, the person that I am in my community. It is because of those very things that I hated and that I was so frustrated about, that I can be who I am now. Remember that. Those deepest wounds and scars can someday be your biggest, brightest stars.