Medication Helps Me in Sobriety

Submitted by: Susanne Johnson

I’ve been married for seven years. My wife was close to the point where she was nearly done with the marriage. She was about to say, “You can go anywhere you want to go, but it’s not going to be here anymore.” My mom didn’t want to talk to me, my siblings didn’t want to have anything to do with me. I was losing every job I had and I realized that I was losing everybody in my life, as well. I was about to be homeless and almost to be totally alone. I realized I had a severe problem.

In October 2014, I made it into recovery. My life has changed so much since then and I’m happy to say that the last few months have been the happiest in my life.

My wife and I just celebrated our ninth anniversary. Not only has our relationship repaired, it has improved drastically. It took a lot, but we finally got the trust back that we needed so desperately for a functioning marriage.

I’m dual diagnosed. That means that I’m not only suffering from a substance use disorder, but I also have problems with mental health disorders at the same time. I need to take medication, as I am diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and schizophrenic disorder. A few months back, I found a new doctor with the VA and she gave me a new medication. With the new medication, both my wife and I noticed a tremendous difference. We do not argue and fight like we used to.

I had known about my mental health issues for a while, but I was not sure what it meant. They would tell me my diagnosis, and I would think, ‘What does it mean?’

There were times when I even questioned if I was a good person. Today, I know I’m a great person, but I have a bad mental health disorder. As long as I take my medicine, I take care of the chemical imbalance in my brain and life is good. The I abused and misused were not helping at all– they made things even worse. I was drinking, I took cocaine, methamphetamine, and heroin beginning around age 23. It was all bad.

I was honorably discharged from the military. I saw two planes collide; one of the pilots ejected, the other one didn’t. I was an MP and we had to secure the area. As we picked up pieces of the aircraft and body parts, it flipped a switch in my head. It was not good for me. I suffered a trauma and was offered to cross train or to get an honorable discharge. I was a young kid and I had found a girl I liked at the time, so I took the way home, but then my personal nightmare with drugs and mental health problems began.

At first, I was just drinking heavily until a friend introduced me to cocaine. After I found out that I could drink more when I took cocaine, I became hooked and felt like Superman every time I was using. My relationship to the girl ended very badly. I thought we had a baby together and I found out that the baby wasn’t mine and she had cheated on me. That’s when the methamphetamine, the heroin, the special K came into play. I was mixing meth and heroin and injecting it into my veins.

Today I do not miss the roller coaster ride of doing drugs. I do not miss the coming down and all the guilt that came with it. I’ve never been arrested and I never been convicted of any crime in my life so far, although I did some minor things to finance my drug consumption. The majority of my drug supply came from my best friend, who always supplied me. I was “lucky” in that aspect.

I knew I had to make a change. At first, I had the brilliant idea to go to a few meetings, then make my wife believe I was better—all before I could go back to my drug use. But my best friend was my supplier and he eventually went to treatment. I then decided to detox myself at home and go to meetings.

I didn’t realize how sick I really was. I was sleeping all day while my wife was at work. As I entered my first 12-step meeting, I met a guy named Paul, who grabbed me and told me that he would be my sponsor. He really pushed me and never let me miss a meeting. He made me work the steps and kept me involved in the program. After three months, he fell off. A second sponsor took his place right away, picking me up from home and continued pushing me, leaving no room to escape. My third and final sponsor, the sponsor that I have today, did the amazing thing and made me find God again. I was raised Catholic, but it needed someone to make me get back on my knees again and pray every day.

I found a job and my boss loves me and I love my work. I have not missed a day at work and I am responsible. I’m going to college too, and my boss allows me to do my homework during my graveyard shift. I’m going for a degree in healthcare management and will graduate in 2018.

Last night I was baking and have to test every batch, but otherwise I eat very healthy. I go to a meeting every week, see a psychiatrist and a therapist. Not only that, but my relationship with my wife is excellent again today, and I also found great support in my parents. My mother my running partner now.

I didn’t think that there was hope for me. But if you want hope, you can find it. You just have to ask for it. I was too scared to ask for it, but I do know now that if you make an attempt to ask, you find people out there to help, and there is hope out there.

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