- Alcohol
- Friends & Family
Submitted by: Susanne Johnson
My youth was dominated by a great deal of loss and grief. I lost my father when I was 12, my brother when I was 18, and my mother when I was only 22 years old. It was hard to cope. I felt like I always got hit with the next tragic event before I was even over the previous loss.
During my childhood and teenage years, I was an athlete. I stopped sports after I lost my mom and I started working in the liquor industry as a representative for a distribution company. Soon after, I also worked a job in a bar. It was the beginning of my alcoholism. I was having a beer here and there in high school, but it only became a problem after my mother got sick. I felt like had nothing else left after she passed away.
Alcohol took away that guilt, shame, and pain– all the feelings that were ruling my life. Drinking was the lifestyle. Drinking was acceptable; it became my daily routine. The cliché and stereotype of what an alcoholic “looks like” didn’t apply to me. I had a job, a place to live, and a good life. Some close friends had a notion that I drank too much, but no one really knew how much alcohol was all around me. I kept my image, but internally I was dying. I was miserable in every aspect of my life.
Alcohol took the pain away and was my solution. It worked for a long time to cover up all the things that were hurting me. I remember one night when I sat at a bar and I took a drink and the sensation of alcohol going down dissolved all my feelings. I didn’t realize it then, but looking back today, I can identify that as the time when I switched from casual drinking to alcoholism. I drank heavily for about ten years.
In 2009, I got arrested and found myself in jail for drunk driving. It was not a single incident. I was often driving under the influence, so it was just a matter of time until I got caught. The shame was so overwhelming. I remember clearly how I said to myself that as soon I could get out of my jail cell, I would kill myself. But instead, I reached out for help while I was in jail, and on the day of my discharge, I went to a 12-step meeting.
I got a sponsor and worked the steps. I also went through an intensive outpatient treatment program for six weeks. I had severe legal consequences from that arrest and followed all directions that were given to me. At first I went through all of the treatment to diminish the legal consequences, but very quickly I found out that I would only get past all of these problems if I stopped drinking for good.
Strangely, I never enjoyed the taste of the alcohol; it was always only the feeling that I wanted. Once I discovered that I should not drink at all anymore, the desire to drink was gone. It only took a few days and the desire was lifted– I knew I was done.
I worked the steps very intensely and started sponsoring other women as soon as possible. I stayed true to my program and it was always my number one priority. Part of my legal consequences were to do 180 community service hours, which I did at a treatment center. Once my community service was over, I started to volunteer and share my story with the women there. Of course I was not working in the liquor industry anymore and I was only holding myself above water with some odd-end jobs at that time.
While volunteering at a facility, I really fell in love with recovery. I loved to help the people, thrived off of the work and started to work as a tech. Soon, I had a career in the field.
Ultimately, I must be honest to myself and love myself today. I had so much shame when I went into recovery. I had to learn to forgive myself, and ensure that I would not make the same mistakes again.
I don’t have to drink today. I don’t feel the need to drink under any circumstances. I’m grateful and feel blessed that this desire was removed very quickly. I dedicated my life to my sobriety and made it my absolute priority. The good thing about my recovery is that I don’t have to stop going places.
My former job in a bar didn’t match my lifestyle anymore and therefore I needed to change it, but at the same time I can now go anywhere I want with friends– I just don’t drink. In early recovery, there was a need to stay away from those places for a while, but today I don’t feel the need to hide from that anymore. The freedom that we were given is an amazing life. You never understand it until you get there. Every single aspect of my life today is because of my recovery.
I got married in October 2015 and my husband has also been in recovery for over fifteen years. My life, my marriage, my job– everything is based on my recovery.