- Alcohol
My journey in recovery from alcohol began in 1989. Alcohol devastated my life and brought me to my knees because there was no other place to go. Early on, I volunteered in a hospital and shared my story in an adolescent unit. Later, I became a certified drug and alcohol counselor and certified social worker.
My life in recovery became nothing but rewarding. All of the gifts that everyone spoke about began to come true. I live and breathe recovery and I share with everyone I can and try to help anyone who asks for help. After years of working in the field of addiction, I opened my own outpatient facility: Life Skills Counseling. I opened my heart and the doors for all those who needed it.
After 15 years in recovery my life changed again.
The Relapse
In 2004, I carried an immense amount of stress, had no sleep, and had a great deal of anxiety about my business and my life. I was given prescriptions for Xanax, Klonopin, and Halcion. It was a poor decision to take those medications, as eventually I would pick up alcohol again. That was be the biggest mistake of my life. I just did not realize it at the time.
The old addictive thinking resurfaced. “I can control this” is an illusion. It only took a matter of time to drink myself into blackouts. One night in a blackout that was all it took. I woke up in a hospital not knowing where I was or how I gotten there. I was still in a deep fog and I thought I was dreaming. I could not think clearly nor could I envision what they had told me happened. I was surrounded by medical staff and the police and I learned that I would be sent to prison.
The Journey from Hell to Gratitude
There is no greater health program than the walls of prison. There, you are isolated from society, stripped of everything in your life, including your identity. You are given a number; your name no longer matters. There, I had to live with guilt, shame and remorse for all of those I had hurt. The pain and suffering that I felt is unimaginable unless you live it. I really indulged in feeling sorry for myself until one day when I took a hard look at my life, I decided not allow myself to feel sorry for myself anymore.
My daughter would send me letters. At the end of her letters, she would write, “Don’t forget where you came from.” Little did I know, those six words would have a great impact on my life. One day I had an appointment with the psychiatrist for a status evaluation and I was poised with the question that would change my life forever: When the doctor asked the question of “why” my relapse happened after all my years of recovery and the good life I was living. At that time, I could not answer his question, but it may be that I forgot where I came from.
Taking My Life Back
It was a beautiful sunny day, even though I was living in the darkness of hell one could live in, surrounded by negativity 24 hours a day. That would be the day to change my whole perspective on my life. I began reading everything I could from Aristotle to current psychology. I read every book I could get my hands on pertaining to mind, body and soul. I studied world religions and practiced many to get a better understanding. I also read every recovery book I could get. I eventually read over 300 books to gain the knowledge I was looking for, all along writing page after page. By the time I had realized it, I had written over 7000 pages. Time has a way of escaping you when you are looking deeply inside of yourself for the answers you seek.
The Soul-Searching Journey
My soul-searching journey to answer the question of “why” my relapse happened and took me to the depths of my inner being from my childhood to my adulthood. It is not easy to look at the wounds we carry in our soul. However, we must heal the pain that lives inside of us. We must be willing to cleanse ourselves from the inside out in order to have happiness, inner peace and the freedom we so desire in recovery. The inside of a person makes that person who they are– the outside is a mere shell that we see when we look in the mirror. In order to have longevity in recovery, we must work from the inside out to live the life we have always desired.
Life Today
Today I have 13 years in recovery. I am the author of a book: Addiction to Recovery/Unlocking your Potential. I still have to pinch myself when it comes to the reality of what I have accomplished. I am asked to speak at conventions, symposiums, and forums on addiction and recovery. My life is full of happiness, inner peace, love and freedom. The twelve and a half years I have in recovery is 10 times better than the 15 years I had before my relapse, only because of my inner soul-searching journey to heal the wounds that had plagued my life. Today I understand them; I have learned from them, and “released and let go” of them for good.
I Have Been Given a Voice to Speak with and a Pencil to Write
All I have written over the years is about the will to survive and the search for answers in a life of recovery. This arduous journey has not come to me without some pain, suffering, and difficulty. But I have written only what I have learned, what I know, and what I’ve experienced in life’s trials and tribulations. I have survived and come out on the other side would a renewed faith, inner wholeness, and a new vigor for life in recovery. Never give up, as I am no different than you, my friend.
“The path of recovery that you walk is neither predetermined nor clear-cut it is forged in the process of working day by day, listening deeply within your own heart.”