- Drugs
Submitted by: Susanne Johnson
My addiction centered around prescription medications, especially pain pills and benzodiazepines (benzos). I actually became addicted through a medication that my doctor prescribed me for my migraine headaches.
When it all began, I didn’t notice that I had an addiction problem. I felt that I partied in high school and college just like anybody else, and the problem was further masked because I was a straight-A student.
I began having terrible migraine problems when I entered law school, and I was given my first prescription for migranes. I was only 23 years old. It all began in Michigan, but I eventually moved to California. I immediately found a doctor to give me my prescription. I had no idea that I was an addict at that point.
I won’t forget the look on the doctor’s face when I asked for those specific pills. He looked at me as if I just asked him for heroin. He said he would not prescribe that medication to me, and gave me something very mild instead. I went into withdrawal right away. I had some Vicodin (something I had never abused) left from an earlier, unrelated health problem. I was feeling really sick at that moment and I found out that if I took Vicodin, I wouldn’t be sick anymore.
I knew something was wrong with all of my withdrawal symptoms, so I went to a psychiatrist who gave me Valium. I went through an entire year like that, taking what I could get, trying to keep up with my classes in law school.
I went through all of the abstinence-based trials, and I did want to go off all of my medications, but every time I did, the anxiety, the depression, and the migraines took over so badly that I couldn’t continue. Yet, if I took any medication for my migraines, I faced shame and guilt from all sides, including myself. It all propelled my addiction further and further. I got addicted to all of the same medications over and over again. I was unable to sustain sobriety, all while I was part of an abstinent, sober community. I was on a recovery-merry-go-round, and I took meds, got addicted, overdosed, and went back to rehab and meetings until my mental condition led me to take more substances soon after. I was pushed back and forth, in and out, until I found my own way of recovery.
At first, I wasn’t looking for other ways; I just kept doing what I was told to do. My dad entered his own long-term recovery by the time I was 18. The 12-Step fellowship helped my father recover from alcohol and cocaine, so he often tried to take me along the ride that worked for him. He didn’t understand why I couldn’t get it.
I started with different forms of yoga. One type of yoga helped me to reach a higher level of consciousness: Kundalini Yoga. It was a high that was even better than any high I ever had from drugs. This yoga did more for me than any meeting ever could. If I’m spiritually fit, all other things fall into place.
I also read a lot of books, I especially recommend “The Four Agreements” and “The Power of Now” to anyone who seeks spiritual lecture. I began meditating between 20-45 minutes each morning, which helps me stay centered. I was very much a negative thinker, and I had to retrain my brain to positive thinking and positive self-talk. I put sticky notes all over my home with positive affirmations like “I’m worthwhile”, “I’m good enough” and “I’m lovable”. I started to say those affirmations out loud to myself.
The power of my words and the power of my thoughts is very strong to me. All the years that I told myself “I’m an addict” or “I’m an alcoholic” were very negative and drove me further into my shame and guilt. Those new, positive reinforcements are powerful, and once I began using them, I quickly started to see changes in my life.
I encourage you to keep trying. What works for me won’t necessarily work for you. I take medication today, but I don’t abuse it. I don’t count the days that I’m sober, but it has now been four or five years since I last misused pills. I’m working with a life coach today. I have work to do to grow up, because I missed many years and experiences in early life. I have been working on recovering from traumas from childhood and from my adult life. I have to clear out those things, as they could hinder my continuous recovery. For me, my mental health issues and the trauma were my primary issues, the addiction just resulted from my mental health.
Today, I have peace of mind. I’m a fast-paced person, and my mind races all the time. It tries to tell me horrible stuff. I still suffer from insomnia at times, but it has gotten much better in recent years. I believe a lot of people use substances to feel better. I’m so glad that I have finally found a different way of life that makes me feel better, so I don’t have a desire to use any substances to better my life. Instead of getting sober and waiting to feel better, I turned my life to a direction where I feel great and don’t have the need to use anything.