Dating in Recovery: The Relationship Ideal
Many of us who have been through a 12 step process have had the blessed opportunity to create a relationship ideal. If you have not heard of it, I would highly suggest it, as it has empowered me in more ways than one. During the inventory process, I was asked by my sponsor to write out my “Prince Charming,” my relationship ideal. Whether you’re familiar with this or not, it has had a powerful impact on my perspectives in almost every interaction that I have with people today.
I ended my marriage shortly after leaving treatment in 2010, realizing the nine-year relationship had been severely co-dependent. Intuiting it would be detrimental to my pursuit of recovery, I had to let it go. It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. In the process, I also had to make the tough decision as to whether or not I would attempt to take my son from his stable environment or have him with me for reasons I perceived selfish in nature. I knew, through observing many women in the program, that maintaining sobriety was rather difficult when undertaken along with the responsibility of raising a child. As strong as I know I am, I had to admit to myself that I was weak in this area. My son would be better off in the care of my ex-husband.
As I began to mend the hole in my soul, now freshly exposed from therapy, process groups, step work, the new divorce and most importantly the lack of my son, I scurried to find things to replace the love I was missing. I filled that hole with relationships that were insightful, yet not desirable for my recovery process. It wasn’t until I got to the 4th and 5th step that I began to realize how low my expectations were for a partner.
I am an accomplished person, as many of us in recovery are. However, I had failed to realize this in the choices I made in finding partners during my sobriety. I had graduated on the dean’s list from college in 2005. I had a lucrative career as a bank manager and then investment banker. I had built my home. I had gotten married overseas and I had a healthy son to show for all of my efforts. Yet, in recovery, my choices in relationships showed me that I found no worth in any of my accomplishments. What I had experienced prior to recovery was living a life that was expected of me. I had been people-pleasing, whether through family expectations and assumed responsibilities or what co-workers, peers and friends might think of me. Freeing myself from the bondage of how I’m supposed to act, I now saw that this is my opportunity to build the life I expect of myself.
I quit the bank. I got my certification as a personal trainer. I worked as an experiential adventure therapist for recovery. I began to have experiences. I dated. Although the “rule” in recovery is that you remain single for at least the first year of sobriety, I take stock in having my own experiences for growth. I did not adhere to this suggestion. What I ended up with were loads of experiences that have taught me so much about myself and my belief systems, not only in life but in love. My experiences began to show me and remind me of who I am, what I find joy in, and what direction best serves my highest purpose.
So, this relationship ideal…what is it? This “Prince Charming” that I have created was a list of all the characteristics, qualities, and attributes that I desire in a mate. Once I had this in my hands, the dating process became quite streamlined. Before this time, I had lacked concrete standards. My sponsor empowered me to “hold interviews,” armed with facts about myself and my ideal list. Should a potential date come along, I could hold that person to these standards as if I am holding an interview for a job position, without the formalities of course. I am in charge of who I allow into my life today. If they do not fit the criteria, I “cut them loose,” as my sponsor would say. About an 80% match is the guideline for me today. If someone doesn’t fit it, I quit it!
In dating, I have also had the opportunity to make stark realizations about what is a priority to me concerning the aspects on my list. When I started out, the order in which I had listed things was arbitrary at best. Looking back, I can now see that I actually listed the items in order of importance. What holds number one for me? It is someone who is spiritually fit. If he does not have the qualities of someone who is living a spiritual life, regardless of belief system, it’s a no brainer for me, and I move along to the next one.
Don’t get me wrong, I have had my blunders along the way. It hasn’t all been pretty. There have been moments when I have wanted to give up and become a nun for the rest of my life, an idea I have yet to rule out. I had a huge epiphany when I ended my most recent relationship, and it helped me to switch gears and keep on trudging this happy road of destiny.
I read my ideal list one lonely night, wondering, “Where the heck is he, this gallant Prince Charming? I thought God wanted me to be happy?” As I read through my list, I began to realize how many of these qualities I had developed in pursuit of my ideal. Over the years through the experiences that I have had, I began to embody the traits and characteristics that I wished for in my ideal! I began to embody the things that I require him to embody. This was done not purposefully, but it was, as if by divine guidance, I am being made into my own ideal!
What implications do I see this having? Well, there are a couple of things that come to my mind in reading my ideal. I believe in intention. If I continue to hold in my heart that this person exists, by the natural laws of attraction he will come to me. I have a list of about 50 main characteristics I desire my ideal to have. There are only two remaining personality traits that I do not currently possess. When I wrote this list, I had maybe about half of the traits. The more I mirror my ideal and refuse to settle for anyone less than that, the closer I am to bringing him into my reality. This gives me so much hope! As I continue to go on dates, I am weeding through the men that do not match my ideal. I observe the type of men I am attracting into my life and what I need to work on in myself in order to have that perfect person show up.
Another implication I face is one of detachment from the list itself. As I get closer to being the mirror of my perfect mate, I realize more and more how great it is just to be with me! Without the co-dependent nature I once exhibited in my previous relationships, I am free to enjoy life and experiences with many people from various points of interest! I am not attached to calling someone to check-in nor am I required to hold back on my outgoing nature. I believe I am becoming the superhuman embodiment of my highest self. When my “Prince Charming” arrives, two complete wholes will have no need for the other, yet they will compliment the other out of desire to maximize joyful experiences together.
I believe that this is possible for every person on the planet who seeks this experience. There are over 7 billion of us here. To leave things up to chance would cause your new found freedom to still be wanting. Believing that you deserve the best creates the best in your life. You took the first steps to getting there, so shouldn’t you go all the way?
If you’d like to know more about how a relationship ideal is created and the process I have taken in order to come to these realizations, please feel free to message or email Heroes in Recovery. I will be sure to respond personally! Also, if you have any further insights about the Ideal or have created one yourself and have found success, please hit me up!
With love and light, the world is yours! Carpe Diem!
Adventure V