The Alcoholic Mind
I often asked myself, “Why do people relapse once they made it to the point of getting sober?” In my mind, the biggest hurdle was getting there, so I didn’t see the difficulty to maintain it. Yes, I was one of those who believed that you might wave the magic wand above my head and I would be cured and happily ride into the sunset with a water bottle in my hand. I know now that I will always stay an alcoholic and need to do maintenance on my sobriety in order to keep it.
Going to the treatment center was the hardest decision in my life. I needed to get sober from alcohol or I would die. I knew that fact and I knew the consequences. My mind kept telling me, “Tomorrow is a good day for that.” But “tomorrow” never came, so it seemed. My mind kept ignoring that time was passing by and I came closer and closer to my own funeral. I almost missed my train!
My alcoholic way of thinking and the tendency to blame others for my misfortunes in life even led me to think that the medical field was to blame because it was their failure not to have a pill to cure me. Many alcoholics talk about their disease as being “allergic to alcohol.” That didn’t work for me because I’m allergic to so many things. Give me a pill or an inhalator or whatever, and it’ll take care of it! Where is the almighty medicine to cure this problem? It can’t be so difficult. I was angry at doctors because they told me they could not fix my problem.
Finally one day, in a desperate feeling of depression about my life (or the fact that there was not much left of it), I called the right helpline and had the right person on the other end. I had tried so many things before without success but I was not ready to go to rehab yet. There was a barrier between me and this word. It all seemed so final.
But as lonely as I was in my home and as desperate as I was to have somebody to talk to who understood my fear, I dialed this number I got from the Internet without making any particular choice. I thought that I had nothing to lose, so I would check the options. In an unbelievably long talk, he convinced me to save my life and try to go to a treatment center. He was persistent and did not let me get away with my “wait until tomorrow” attitude. It saved my life! I am so grateful to this person! If he would not have listened carefully and patiently to my whining, my crying and my reservations, I would not be here today.
At the facility, I learned that only a very small percentage of patients usually stay sober for a longer period of time. At this moment, that was OK with me. I was quite sure that I would relapse too whenever I leave this place. I thought I knew myself and my desire for alcohol. But every day without alcohol was a vacation for my liver and improved my health a little. Every little bit helps. If I stay sober for 30 days while I am here, that’s just fine!
Since I came without any expectations, I was going to take what I get and call it good. I had no hope and maybe not even a true desire to stay sober for the rest of my life. I changed my mind about this very quickly. After a couple weeks, I saw people at outside meetings who were happy and healthy with years and years of sobriety. Some of the residential counselors had exactly what I wanted for my life. I had long talks with many of them. And everybody kept telling me that I could reach it if I have the willingness. I GOT the willingness at this point. I got it while I was at the rehab center. I was afraid of leaving and relapsing. I was not ready after 30 days. I extended my stay to six weeks. Then I felt ready for the world and ready give it a try. Relapse was still my fear but didn’t seem like a MUST anymore.
Everybody told me that staying sober is easy and it’s just getting sober that is hard. I followed every bit of advice that I got from the residential counselors and my therapists. I did intensive outpatient therapy at home for several months and I went to my first meeting the same day I came home. I went every day, sometimes several times a day. I wanted it from the bottom of my heart. I wanted to live and to live sober.
At meetings, again I realized that so many people relapse. It shocked me. At this time, it was not very hard for me to be around alcohol without drinking myself. I was sure that I don’t want to drink and therefore I was OK with the situation. I was not drinking and was happy about it! I was riding my pink cloud of new-found sobriety. Luckily, the consequences of drinking are so severe and the memories of the ICU were still so fresh, that I was not going to risk my life for a drink. I worked actively against triggers and dangers. No stumbling over a bottle for me!
But the alcoholic mind works in mysterious ways. We can justify a simple single drink. We forget about the pain. We don’t listen to our conscious mind when that devil shows up on our shoulder and whispers in our ear. I understand it now. I have not had a relapse yet and I hope that it stays this way. But I know now that I have to always be observant of myself and watch out for smoking signs of my thinking. My mind needs a constant reminder of what it was like and that I don’t want to go back to it. I was told, “Never forget your last drunk!” And I now know why. There are times in our happy sobriety society when things don’t work out like they should and the alcoholic mind tends to justify having a drink. If you fall for your own mind games, you are lost and you have relapsed. But I’ve learned to be observant and cautious and to always have my guard up for those nasty thoughts that might enter my mind. I watch myself, I have a sponsor and I know the signs. May my higher power always be with me, watching me and letting me know about the signs.
Here are some examples that I found very helpful for checking if I am still on the right road of recovery or if I need to patch some holes in the sober asphalt. You may find them useful for yourself or a loved one, so pass them on and keep them as easy reminder tools for tough times. Some might work for one person, while others work for somebody else. It’s worth trying and checking. I don’t want to go through my detox again and I assume you, you don’t either. It was no fun at all. I am in a good place now in sobriety and I’d like to stay right where I am! If you check any of these points in the list, please talk to your sponsor or your alumni helpline and get your relapse prevention plan in action. You don’t have one? Make one or look on the net. I have had one since I’ve been sober and I update it regularly. I haven’t used it yet, but it gives me a feeling of security to know that it’s there. Here is an easy basic model for you to start with:
- List five to ten of your triggers
- List positive actions you could take when faced with your triggers
- List at least five people you could call when you feel in danger of relapsing
- List a few healthy activities you enjoy doing that could help get your mind off of your triggers
- Write out a plan for what you would do if you were faced with a possible relapse
- Make copies of this plan and have them available in places where you often are
I don’t need to drink again to convince myself that I am an alcoholic. I’ve known that for decades. I won’t change. I see enough people around me who are trying it. I see the consequences. I don’t need to feel it the hard way on my own body. I pray to my higher power that he won’t let me ever forget this and that he will remind me in weak moments of the tools I have learned and the friends that I have. These people care about me, the opportunities of my future, the happy life of freedom I have now and how hard I worked to get here!
I have to get back to reality if my addiction calls for my attention and also be observant of other sober people around me. I don’t want to criticize their recovery, but a little reminder at the right time might save somebody’s life if I can see it coming. I try to be mindful and respectful of myself and others. Everybody who hasn’t attended a meeting in a couple weeks is not in danger of a relapse. Be aware of other reasons that might lead to that before you try to step in and save someone’s life. In other words, don’t help the old lady to cross the street if she never intended to go there. But if I don’t go to my regular meetings for a couple weeks without telling anyone, I would be very happy if someone called me to just ask, “Hey, are you ok?” It is nice to know that somebody cares about me.
Have a happy sober day,
Susanne