- Alcohol
- Faith
I used to be very angry at the fact that I was an alcoholic. I went through a few periods where I thought that maybe I wasn’t one and then back to the bottle I went. Each time was more serious than the first. I just could not seem to get the whole sober thing straight!
I kept thinking that I was being punished and would ask, “Why me?” I remember being very afraid of life in general and thinking that I could never drink again, for if I did, I would surely die. I was only 22 years old then. What the heck was I supposed to do? I was so used to drinking all day every day that this was a total shock to my system. I just wanted to be normal, but drinking for me was everything but normal. Alcohol was my master.
Progressive Disease
Through the progression of my disease and after trying everything I could to control my drinking, I finally figured out that I didn’t want to drink like a normal person. I wanted to drink like I always had, just without feeling the way I felt before or suffering the consequences. I hated who I was when I was on the bottle and even when I was sober. There were so many blackouts, hospital visits, detox centers, treatment programs, demoralizing corrupting behaviors, feelings of guilt and sicknesses. I became a mess. I tried so many ways to get and stay sober, but none of them worked. I have a college degree. I had built myself a career, was living on my own and had purchased everything I owned. And yet, the very same willpower that I used to get all that stuff could not get me sober.
My Bottom
My disease took me to places I never thought I would go. I also never thought I would ever want to die, but by the time I was 28 years old, I wanted just that. After losing everything and everyone that was important to me, I decided I was too far gone and went on a five-day run of straight liquor. On the 5th day, I asked my higher power to take me. I was not doing well and I thought this was going to be it. I only prayed to him when I was desperate. I wasn’t even sure if he existed. You see, to believe in a spirit of the universe to me was like Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny or the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Somewhere down the line, the magic got lost. But It was a miracle that I woke up. I was sick and needed to get help fast.
I was taken to the hospital. Once stabilized, I begged them to not let me go. I knew I couldn’t stop. I was homeless, alone, spiritually lost, in bad physical health, suffering from absolute mental torture, and I wouldn’t and couldn’t stay sober on my own. I suffer from the disease of addiction. Once I put alcohol or drugs into my body, I cannot stop. Once I stop, I cannot stay away for long. I needed a solution. I completely let go and let my higher power decide my fate. After multiple people worked some magic at the hospital, I left the Northeast for Florida with a suitcase, hoping for a new life. I walked into treatment tired, broken, and desperate. I was willing to do anything for my sobriety. I stayed the entire time suggested and once I was discharged I went to live in a halfway house for about six months.
My Sober Life
During my time at the halfway house, I worked for a full program of recovery for the first time. I attended meetings daily, did my prayer and meditations and started helping others immediately. As a result, I found my higher power. I don’t have my life back; I have a new one instead. My first year was not an easy road, but I stayed sober through it all and grew so much. Working and applying a program of recovery saved my life.
Hi, my name is Ashling and I am a recovered alcoholic. I have been sober since 07/01/2009. Today, I am accountable and I have respect for myself and my dealings with others. I have a higher power that adores and loves me and with whom I build a relationship daily. I found that I need to let time have its place. I get my buzz today from helping other alcoholics. I am still as active in my sobriety as I was in the beginning and it doesn’t feel like something I HAVE to do. I WANT to do it! My fear has slowly been turned over to faith. It’s an amazing feeling not to have to control the world or even myself.
Every event I’ve gone through has enabled me to grow into the woman I have become: a woman of grace and dignity. My past is a series of experiences that has given me the ability to help others. It does not have to define the woman I am today. I do not have to rely on my family or friends to pick up the pieces that I have left of myself in each of their lives. In order for me to be happy, joyous and free, I have to be honest. I have to be as honest with myself as I am with others. I am an alcoholic and I am blessed. It’s a gift today and not a punishment. I have my family back in my life, a wonderful career that I love and friends that are real. I have the opportunity to be a better person each day, to grow, to mend, to love, to laugh, to cry, to help others and to continue in life as if it were a journey and not just an accomplishment or a race. Each day is an opportunity to be FREE! I have much gratitude today because the miracle has come true for me. The obsession to drink has been lifted. Thank you for this freedom.