- Alcohol
I am a lucky one. I’m an alcoholic who received “the gift.” This gift was something that I wasn’t even aware existed until I received it. My story begins when I was 14 years old and leads to today when I am 43 years old. I began drinking for the same reasons as many other teens: to escape from pain, to give me confidence I didn’t have and to prove my manliness to my peers. I drank to get drunk, and the more I could drink helped make me more of a legend in my own mind. I continued to drink this way in to my 20s and 30s. All of my relationships began and ended with alcohol. Friendships were only with other alcoholics who I could feel a kinship with. Female relationships were with other alcoholics because no girl in her sober mind would have a thing to do with me in my alcoholic state.
I never considered quitting drinking until I was 32. My right testicle had swollen, and I went to a doctor to get checked out, only to find that I had testicular cancer. I was scared as hell upon hearing him tell me and I had surgery that night. After surgery, I was to begin radiation therapy. I was supposed to stay healthy as possible through it and that included not drinking. But I couldn’t do it. I showed up for 30 consecutive days of radiation either hung over or drunk. I was scared and I also realized that I didn’t have a person in my life who cared for me while I went through this. My girlfriend at the time was an alcohol and meth addict so she was preoccupied to say the least.
It was at this time that I slipped in to a massive depression. The party was over, as they say. My mortality had been exposed to me, and a light had been shone on my addiction. My depression obviously accelerated my drinking to new levels. I drank vodka day and night. I stopped going to work. I ended up in the hospital countless times for poisoning or withdrawals when I would try to stop. One night when I was very drunk and scared for my life, I called my mother and told her I was scared and needed help. She came for me in the morning and took me to a rehab facility where I stayed for 30 days.
Was this the end of my drinking? Hell no. I listened intently while I was there and had every intention of remaining sober when I got out. I knew that I was better than this and better than all of these other losers in rehab with me. Can you see my problem there? I was still lost in my own ego, the same ego that demanded that I drink. And drink I did. Without getting in to all of the repetitive details, I will say that I was on a first name basis at the hospital emergency room. I’d go on a massive binge, realize I was going to die, go to the hospital, get Librium for detox, detox, wait until I felt better and then repeat the cycle. And repeat. And repeat. Alcoholism and my ego were doing their finest work.
When I was 39 years old, I met an angel and fell very much in love. I was somehow in a period of doing just a tiny bit better. I had also gotten very good at hiding my use. We dated, and I would drink around her but tried to keep it under control. Of course, I didn’t do well at this. I made mistakes and hurt her very badly. I let her down in the worst ways. She doesn’t drink. She will if it’s a special occasion but other than that she doesn’t. She genuinely loved me and was worried for me more than anything. I had admitted to her that I was alcoholic and shouldn’t be drinking. I figured this would make me have to stop. Instead, it made me have to hide it even more. I sucked at that too and ended up in the hospital a bunch more times. Now it was even more degrading and hopeless because she was taking me and calling my mother when it happened.
The only thing I can say is that, through all of this and a lot of events that aren’t clear to me to this day, I never lost hope in sobriety. I truly felt each time like I was getting back up and fighting. When I had a period of sobriety, I would go to meetings, read books on Buddhism, meditate and stay focused on the prize. When I’d fall and get back up, I would think that it was okay somehow because I am recovering. I truly felt that it was all part of the plan. I can’t explain it and I wouldn’t want to cheapen the experience with words but one day I just knew I was done. I just was. There are many sayings in 12-step groups, but the one that stuck out is, “If you stick around long enough, it will happen.” I did and it did.
I have a year and a half of being sober. I now don’t have a desire to drink one bit. I go to meetings and enjoy them immensely. My mind, body and spirit are in harmony. And my angel and I have been married for six months now. She never judged me. She just believed in me 100%. That is something that I do now also.
I am a lucky one. I am a blessed one. I can’t even express this enough as tears are rolling down my face right now. I am a grateful one! If you are currently struggling with addiction, please stay strong and patient with yourself. Love yourself enough to do that. Those are not just words I wrote to be read quickly, so I will say it again. Please consider whether or not you are doing this. LOVE YOURSELF! You really just should. Thanks for reading my story.