- Mental Health
From my early years, my childhood was rather traumatic as family life was very dysfunctional and chaotic. My mother suffered from several mental illnesses and depression for most of my childhood. I feared she would commit suicide, and her mental state was very erratic and volatile. During this time, she was emotionally and physically unavailable, and I felt a responsibility to her wellbeing for some reason. Also during this time, I was sexually abused by a paternal uncle. My earliest memories of this are from when I was around five years old, and I think it continued until I was around 9 or 10. I don’t recollect much detail as I think I learned to disassociate with myself during this period. At the age of 15, I was raped by a boyfriend who was much older. Like I did in childhood, I buried the incident and detached from the memory.
I spent a lot of my teen years being very unhappy with myself and also very angry at the world. It was only after my son was born in 1992 that I began to have flashbacks of my early years. This caused me to form an unhealthy dependency on alcohol to try and suppress the disturbing thoughts and memories. At the age of 22 or 23, my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. During her illness and after she passed, I suffered from OCD for a number of years, sometimes exercising up to eight hours per day to keep my mind occupied. The idea was that I would be too exhausted to think, but despite the physical exhaustion, my mind was always overactive. I also suffered from anorexia, sometimes surviving for long periods on only one piece of bread per day. This along with the obsessive compulsive exercise caused severe weight loss.
During this time, I was becoming more and more irrational mentally. Although I maintained a normal daily routine, my thoughts were becoming more and more suicidal. Life seemed so pointless, difficult and painful emotionally and physically. I thought death was the only way out. The small flicker of light that kept me going was my son. I could not leave him in this awful world. I began to consider a way out in which I could kill us both.
I had reached rock bottom. I knew I wanted to die. I had to figure out how to do it successfully taking my son’s life along with my own.
“The intervention”
A routine visit to my GP doctor changed my life. A new female GP had recently started at my local practice. During my first meeting with her, she realized all was not well despite my practiced public façade. Out of the blue, she asked if I was abused as a child. How did she know??? Immediately, I replied “I think so. Yes, I was.” Instantly, a weight was lifted from my shoulders. I was not going mad after all. I had a reason for feeling the way I did and saying it out loud validated it.
The compassionate GP discussed my options with regard to recovery. Just the knowledge that she believed me and also that there was help available gave me hope for the future. I was on a waiting list for several months for a psychiatric assessment but that didn’t matter to me. The flicker of light inside me became a small flame and the desire to live became a thought.
Initially, I received one to one counseling and then group therapy specifically aimed at survivors of child sex abuse. Throughout my counseling, I managed to gradually decrease the amount of exercise to a healthy level and also develop a healthy attitude toward food. I always had issues with the men I chose to have relationships with, which I attribute to my dysfunctional childhood. I had a pattern of choosing emotionally unavailable men who were either physically or mentally abusive or both. They would validate my belief that I was worthless, therefore I accepted their behavior. I had placed no value on myself. I had spent the majority of my lifetime loathing myself, so how could others possibly value or like me?
It has been a long, lengthy process, and my recovery is still ongoing. But today I can say, “I LOVE ME, I ACCEPT ME, I AM WORTHY, I AM VALUABLE AND I HAVE A PURPOSE IN LIFE.” I have learned that I cannot control others actions or attitudes but I can choose my own reaction. I live life according to the values that I have learned from my experiences and suffering, which I believe are part of the purpose of life. We have to experience everything life has to offer, both good and bad, to enable us to achieve a greater sense of ourselves and enhance us. Today, I fear nothing and no one. I believe this period here on Earth is part of an ongoing journey, and until we have reached our destination, we have to do good with whatever this life brings. I feel a sense of peace and connection between myself and an invisible force that exists within the universe. Is there a God and heaven? I believe so. Since I was a child I’ve had a deep spiritual connection and experiences which are unexplainable to the human mind. But for here and now, I have found my heaven on Earth. It’s existed in me all along and exists in each and every one of us. We spend so much time looking externally for happiness and fulfillment, but we fail to notice we have everything we need within ourselves. I believe everything that has happened previously in my life has been to help my understanding of the purpose of my life. I endeavor to do good in any way I can to everyone who crosses my path, friend or foe.
I am continuing to evolve spiritually and I hope that others may also realize their own value and contributions through my experiences. I have found a personal acceptance and happiness which I never ever in my wildest dreams thought could possibly exist. In comparison to the person I was a few years ago, my life is no longer the futile existence I believed it to be. It’s a miraculous adventure, and I am the navigator. Anything is possible.