- Drugs
I never thought this would be my story, but it is. I guess this is what you call the new normal. This has all been quite a whirlwind, and I feel as if I am just now able to breathe.
In July of this year a couple of girls that my daughter has been friends with for years asked to meet me for dinner. I was a bit apprehensive, since I wasn’t sure what exactly they wanted to meet about. Never would I have guessed the news they dropped on me that my daughter had become addicted to heroin and had been using with her boyfriend on and off for about a year. Of course this news hit me like a ton of bricks, and I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience. Sure I had not seen as much of her as I would have liked over the recent months, but when I did see her she seemed perfectly fine.
I knew I had to go to her. I couldn’t risk waiting another minute and taking the chance that I would find her dead with a needle in her arm. Her friends and I went to tell my dad the news and ask him if he would go with us to get her (he’s a retired police officer). I also called her father, and he agreed to go to her house with us as well. My heart was beating out of my chest the entire drive, and I had no idea what was going to happen. I just knew I needed to get to my daughter. We arrived at the house, and she and her boyfriend were at home and had apparently just used. She came outside, and when she saw everyone she just crumbled to the ground in what seemed like defeat and maybe a little bit of relief.
After quite a bit of turmoil and what almost turned into a very dangerous situation, she packed her bag and came with us, leaving her boyfriend behind. She was very angry, and it appeared that she hadn’t showered in days. This was not my beautiful girl that used to shower 2-3 times a day and run my water bill up. Once she calmed down, the rest of that night was fairly uneventful. The next day I went into work, trying to keep a brave face so that I wouldn’t have to tell anyone about what was going on. My dad was watching her, and she was getting very sick and agitated while going through detox, so I told my boss I had a family emergency and had to leave. I took her to the ER and didn’t know whether to laugh or cry when the nurse tried to start an IV, and my daughter got nervous. She’s always been afraid of needles since she was little, yet here she was with track marks up and down her arm.
She finally calmed down, and we were able to leave and go home. We looked into treatment programs over the weekend, and she insisted that she would not go to an inpatient facility. We found an outpatient program that put her on Suboxone. She knew this was trading one drug for another and didn’t like that idea, she even told the doctor she wanted to be on a low dose, but he still recommended she take a higher dose. This process with Suboxone and group therapy three times a week went on for about three weeks. During this time her father found out that her and her boyfriend had at some point taken jewelry from his wife. He demanded an apology at that time, or he would no longer help with rides back and forth to her therapy and appointments. This was hard for me, because I was still trying to keep a happy face and calm front at work. Her father started looking into inpatient treatment, and I feel that was mostly to not have to deal with her and this problem.
At first she was dead set against inpatient treatment and refused to leave the state. I decided to look into the facility her father found under his insurance and give them a call myself. I was impressed with what I was hearing but had no idea if sending her away would be the right thing to do. I had never gone through this before. Once I sat down and talked with her, she seemed to be more open to the idea. This conversation happened on a Thursday, and I had really hoped she would agree to go, because we had a flight booked for her to leave the following Monday. The weekend was actually great, and she was starting to come back to life again. She looked better, and it felt like old times when we went shopping to get her ready for her trip.
My heart was breaking, but at the same time I knew this was the best option for her. I wanted her to get away from her boyfriend, because, although she is an adult and did willingly decide to use drugs, I feel like she would have never been exposed to them if it wasn’t for him. I tried to keep quiet on the subject, because I knew she loved him and talked about her plans of being with him when she got back. Monday came, and she actually seemed excited to be going. I was so happy that she wanted to get better and that she realized the time away would do her some good. She was hesitant at first, because she had just started spending time with her friends again. She had said she kept them out of her drug world on purpose, because when she quit one day she didn’t want to have to lose them. Her friends, who I credit with saving her life, told her they had hardly had any contact with her over the past year so another month or so wouldn’t matter. They loved her and wanted her to get better just like her family did.
As I said goodbye to her that day at the airport, I had no idea what to expect or what she would experience. I just prayed it would change her life for the better. She called when she got there and told me I wouldn’t hear for her for about a week while she detoxed from the Suboxone. I did receive a call from one of the therapists there after about three days saying that she was doing very well and already fully embracing the process. Once she left stabilization and got to the women’s house, she called and said she wasn’t feeling great but was at least feeling better and she was glad to be off the Suboxone. After her first week I could hear the life and excitement coming back in her voice and was so happy to hear that she loved being at the treatment facility. She was very happy with the staff and was already making great friends. After another week she called and told me she felt better physically and mentally than she had in a couple of years. This of course brought me to tears, and I knew I couldn’t have picked a better place to send her.
I did talk to her therapist and told her I wanted to hear how well my daughter was doing. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t just hearing what I wanted to hear, when my daughter called. The therapist assured me that she was doing great, looking great and had even been voted as peer leader for the week. This all made me happier than I had been in a while, and I finally started to feel like there was hope. I did still have worries about the boyfriend, since her therapist told me going back to him would be a very poor decision and something that just couldn’t happen. I received a call a couple days later from my daughter saying she wanted to stay and move into a sober living home, once she got out of rehab. I knew that saying no wasn’t an option and had to do what I could to come up with the funds.
With the help of wonderful friends and family I was able to make that happen for her. She also wanted to let me know that with her therapist she called her boyfriend to end the relationship, and she felt very good about it. This was wonderful news to me, as I knew this was a step that had to happen in order for her to continue moving forward with her recovery. She also told me there was going to be a family weekend in early September and that she really wanted me to be there for that. Thanks to my parents I was able to pull together plans to make that happen, and it turned out to be more beneficial for myself than anything.
The first night I was there was the most restful sleep I had in quite some time. I was so happy so see my daughter and see the twinkle back in her eyes. She looked beautiful and happy, and I knew I was getting my baby girl back again. Once family weekend started, it was wonderful to meet families going through the same thing I was. I had felt very alone for so long, and this helped me realize that I wasn’t alone at all. I finally learned to let go of guilt and blame that I was putting on myself for all of this happening. I came to realize it had nothing to do with me and that this was a weight I just couldn’t carry on my shoulders.
Through all of this I also ended a relationship with a man that was not supportive of the situation, and I realized that ending it had been the right decision. I had no room for people that we just placing judgment on my family. I had fallen to very low places at times through everything, and, although I never wanted to hurt myself, there were many nights I went to sleep and thought to myself that it would be okay if I never woke up. Family weekend helped to show me I must take care of myself. I can’t hold on to the negativity and sadness, as recovery is absolutely possible. Family weekend was also a time to say things my daughter and I really needed to say to each other. We listened, other families listened and it felt wonderful to be surrounded by so much love and so many caring people.
I suppose I could say this is the end of the story, but in reality it is just the beginning. I don’t know what the future holds, but I do know that my daughter is doing everything she can to stay clean and heal. As for myself I am not losing faith and hope, and I am continuing to take care of me. One of the biggest lessons I have learned is that you have to reach out and seek support, or this will just eat you alive. I’m no longer ashamed of what is happening, and by reaching out to others I have educated myself and hope one day I can pay it forward and be supportive of another mother feeling lost and alone.