Codependency, pleasing people, helping people and fixing people influences decisions we make and how we spend our life. During a training program for addiction professionals I met Joe who told me his story of a lifetime struggle with codependency.
Joe grew up in a loving home, although his mother held the family together, as his father and grandfather were alcoholics. His sister is four years younger than him, and he felt protective of her. Joe never had an issue with alcohol or drugs, but he was always the one in the family trying to please everyone, fix everybody’s problems and help wherever he could.
Joe chose his profession to please his family. He became a doctor, and in this position he yet again helped others all the time. He did it to please the family and did not see that his role as a doctor matched his childhood role of always helping others. He burned out quickly, as he got too attached to individuals. He frequently changed locations, but patients followed him. Most of his patients were dependent on drugs or alcohol, and Joe’s codependency left him wanting to fix them and make them better. While his goals were admirable, the personal involvement became too much for him.
He reached a turning point, when his wife wanted to move with or without him to follow her sister. He was against this move, but after arriving in North Carolina some force drew him to a support group meeting. He had been to a few meetings with his mother, but this time he went on his own. He started regularly attending meetings three years ago, and he believes that living with codependency is as debilitating as living with addiction. The complete family needs recovery and treatment, when one member is addicted. This led Joe to enter an intervention training program that emphasized a holistic approach including the family as part of the process of recovery. Even though Joe has received individual therapy and goes to meetings, he is interested in attending an inpatient codependency treatment program.
Joe made a positive step in his life, when he decided to end his career in the medical field. He advises others to, “Follow your instincts as hard as it feels and even if you don’t know what you are doing when you do it.” He knew 20 years ago that he was done with clinical medicine, that it drained him too much, but he got a personal rush from helping others that made him unable to give it up. He felt a strong need for the rush of dopamine helping others provided. The first time he took a break from clinical medicine, he returned after two weeks. A doctor was leaving and needed someone to fill his job. Joe was able to help the doctor and his patients and receive twice the satisfaction. Ten years later he concentrated on people with addiction problems, but again it was not working for him. Joe explains that, in his current situation, “I am more in touch with my own instincts and my feelings. I pay attention today on what I want. Usually I only paid attention to what they wanted. I started identifying what I want. I have some tools today, and it gives me hope.”
Joe strongly supports the idea of Heroes in Recovery. He says that everybody in recovery is a hero for him. I believe that Joe is a hero, because he finally had the courage to change his life and recover from codependency and unhealthy people-pleasing habits. He found a new, rewarding way of life and continues to work on moving forward in his life while sharing his knowledge with others. I am grateful that our paths crossed!