- Mental Health
MY STORY
In high school, I was diagnosed with clinical depression. If I wasn’t sad, I was angry, taking it out on my fellow students and teachers. Let’s just say I wasn’t afraid to make a scene.
I tried to escape my own raging emotions through taking drugs and going to raves and punk shows, but nothing helped. In fact, my emotional issues worsened as I got further along in school, and they followed me to the other coast when I left for college.
At 17, I moved to New York City- across the country from anyone I knew. I jammed through my classes, made new friends… and put on a few pounds. A “few,” meaning twice the freshman fifteen.
When I decided to move back to the West Coast, I was unhealthy in all realms.
My depression cycled in and out unpredictably, I was eating whatever the hell I wanted to (ice cream tastes better if you eat the whole pint, right?), and I wasn’t exercising more than walking to the subway station 2 blocks away.
I was lethargic all the time and I felt horrible about myself and the way that I looked. I wanted to look like a model, and I was ready to do anything to achieve it.
This was the time to change it all. This was the beginning of my new life.
Starting a new life was a lot harder than I expected. I began a new diet, but when I got tired of being so strict, I binged on candy and fast food sandwiches, and gained all the weight back that I had lost. Then I’d try another diet that had the same results.
When a few diets proved un-maintainable, I started taking ECA stacks (ephedrine-caffeine-aspirin; used by hardcore fitness buffs to raise metabolism and fuel workouts) to lose weight… and I did! I also lost some of my memory and worsened my depression.
I just wanted to be someone else so badly.I wanted to be as skinny as the other girls in LA, and because I wasn’t, I felt worthless.
I was constantly trying to find ways to escape who I really was through extreme weight loss methods and drugs/alcohol. They all failed to provide lasting results and I felt like a failure because I couldn’t fit into the mold I had made for myself. I hated me.
THE BREAKING POINT
One late night in 2005, I had hit an all-time low. There was simply no point to my existence anymore. I decided to commit suicide.
I had the knife out and I wrote my note. I had just gotten off the phone to an ex-boyfriend who I was still close to, and he begged me to call someone for help. I called a suicide hotline, and they calmed me down enough for me to put the knife away and go to bed.
The next morning, I went to the emergency room for help and got into a program that provided support and information that I hadn’t been able to find anywhere else.
When I finished the program, I knew it was time to turn my life around.
MY 180
From that point forward, I started working on myself from the inside out.
As I started gaining more confidence through doing self-work, I started to realize that THIS was the key to lasting results. I wanted to work out and eat healthy because I felt better doing it! I re-discovered working out as a way to get rid of stress and to feel strong both mentally and physically…and it was FUN! After I work up a sweat, I feel like I can accomplish anything and- more importantly- that I am enough.
I am who I am meant to be. All I can do is keep challenging myself to be even truer to who I am.
Through this mindset, I lost 30 lbs of fat and gained 10 of muscle, I became a personal trainer and corrective exercise specialist, and I have finally discovered happiness through self-acceptance.
For the first time in my life, I AM HAPPY! I’m not a size 2 anymore like I was when I was taking diet pills. I still feel inklings of jealousy when I look at people with lean legs and flat stomachs. I still get sad sometimes. But I am content with who I am and I get stronger every day.
I overcame the obstacles that I thought I was stuck with for life- my goal now is to empower you to overcome yours.