- Alcohol
I got clean July 9, 2000. My bottom was an emotional one, not a physical one. I still had a home and employment by the grace of God. I just couldn’t live in my skin anymore. I was broken inside, and I could no longer self-medicate the pain of being me away. It didn’t work anymore. I was desperate for another way to live. I was using most of the day, and it was a good day when I woke up in the middle of the night, as that was another opportunity to get loaded. I had alienated myself from most of my family, as I withdrew into my addiction. I had a string of broken relationships behind me with men that were using partners instead of partners in a functional relationship.
I went to my first 12-step meeting and cried through the readings. They were telling my story. I joined a 12-step program that focused on the disease of addiction. I realized I was not just addicted to substances that altered my consciousness. I was addicted to more of everything like money, men, food, sex and whatever made me feel “good.” There was never enough. I went to as many meetings as I could. I got a sponsor and began to work the steps. As I kept coming back, I began to hear what I needed. I wasn’t alone. I didn’t have to figure this out for myself, as I was part of a fellowship of other people that wanted to recover. I also began to receive treatment for my psychological issues. I became willing to take medication for my anxiety and depression, and I saw a counselor twice a month for the first two years of my depression.
I learned that sometimes we need outside help. Sometimes working a 12-step program isn’t enough to address all of our issues. Counseling and medication helped me begin to put the pieces back together. When I choked on working the fourth step, because I couldn’t face dealing with my history of abuse, I set aside working steps and went to counseling for three years to heal from those experiences. I am glad I did. Many of my issues were with my mother, as I couldn’t fathom how she allowed what happened to me. I had a lot of pain to work through, feel and let go of. It took a long time, but I learned forgiveness, compassion and acceptance in a way that changed my life. I learned that my higher power is right on time, as, when I was in the midst of my therapy, my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. I had the opportunity to nurse her for the last six months of her life. I loved my mother, and I needed to show up for her and to be there, when there was no one else. It was healing and challenging to care for her. I learned love, powerlessness and forgiveness. I feel blessed that I was able to care for her. I still miss my mom, but all the discord and pain that was between us was healed. I am so grateful for that experience, and I wouldn’t have had it, if I wasn’t clean, recovering and learning to live spiritual principles.
I have also been able to come to terms with my mental illness. I’ve learned to accept that I have a real illness. It’s not just malingering on my part or being “too sensitive.” I must accept responsibility for my recovery from mental illness just as I do for my recovery from addiction. When I had two years clean, I was hospitalized for depression. I was suicidal. I learned that recovery can’t heal my mental illness and that it is as relentless as the disease of addiction. I went through a series of 12 bilateral ECT treatments at that time. It was rough. I couldn’t remember much, I couldn’t recognize where I was, and I forgot a lot of stuff, but I kept putting one foot in front of the other. I kept going to meetings, calling my sponsor and believing that I could get better one day at a time. I did slowly recover. I’ve been hospitalized for my depression twice, since I’ve been clean. Each time it was painful emotionally and psychologically to be so sick, but I learned to keep on keeping on. I refused to give up and give in to my mental illness. I cope with it the best I can. I have medication issues from time to time, when the medications just quit working for me. I have to start from square one to find what will work for me to tame the depression and anxiety. It’s not always easy, but some days I am grateful for it, because I can help another addict get help for his or her mental illness. I can show that there is always hope, pain does end and we can survive and thrive regardless.
I’ve been clean for 13 years. I work diligently at recovering every day. I read literature, I go to meetings, I work the steps, I call my sponsor and I do service work. I do all the stuff they tell you to do, and I do it with gratitude and love. I have learned to love myself and others in recovery. I have learned to have a real, dynamic relationship with a power greater than myself. I seek to grow and recover in my life. I don’t think I will ever be “recovered,” but I have a daily reprieve from the disease of addiction, and growing in recovery gives me more and more freedom from the pain and suffering I used to call living. I’ve learned to take care of myself physically, emotionally and mentally. Medication and regular appointments with my psychiatrist are part of my recovery. I have accepted that taking medication enables me to practice a program of recovery and apply spiritual principles to my life. I need them both.
I have a healthy relationship with my significant other. We’re both in recovery and learning how to love ourselves and each other every day. I have a loving family, three grandsons and restored relationships with two of my three children. I have a good job, and I am a responsible and productive member of society. I don’t feel broken anymore. I am still cracked sometimes, but I accept that I am healing one day at a time, and my goal is progress, not perfection. I am learning to embrace the process of recovery and the woman I am and am becoming.