- Drugs
- Faith
I’m Dennis, and I’m an addict. That was the hardest admission I ever had to make because I let my ego get in the way.
My story is like most. I come from a great family of non-addicts. I was taught morals, values and self-worth. Unfortunately I was molested by a football coach when I was 10 and 11 years old, and that’s when my nightmare began. When I realized I never had to be in my own head if I used drugs and alcohol, I ran with it. I never wanted to feel less than or not in control again.
I always made my outside seem fine because I didn’t want anyone to know what was going on inside, and I was able to mask my inside internally with drugs. I used different drugs at different stages of my life, and it always became unmanageable. They say there are successful users out there, but how could you possibly use drugs successfully? I tried everything possible to stop using over the years, but it never worked. I changed jobs, friends and neighborhoods, but I always brought me with me, and I’m the problem.
In my late twenties, I thought I found the answer I was looking for: the perfect woman who didn’t use and would not tolerate me using. For a time I was able to abstain. During my abstinence I saved for a wedding and married my dream girl without realizing she wasn’t pulling me out. I was pulling her in. I never fixed me.
I got hurt at work and got my first taste of painkillers in my early thirties. From there my life completely fell apart. I became everything I said I would never be and more. My wife decided she had enough and said she was leaving. I checked myself into rehab, but I didn’t do it for me. I did it for her and everyone else that was on my back. I stayed for two weeks, but I just wanted to get home and get my life back. I didn’t listen to any of the suggestions I was given and was eventually using again.
I came home, got everything back but still hadn’t fixed myself. They told me in rehab that I would lose everything I put before my recovery. They were right. My wife left for good because once I realized I failed again, I hated myself and projected that onto her. I lost my thumb at work, and from there it was all over. They gave me my drug of choice in the hospital. I was in the hospital for two weeks, and three weeks after I got out of the hospital, I was in handcuffs for robbing my best friend’s house.
I got out of jail and checked back into rehab, and this time it was for me. I didn’t have anything else anyway. I got out and took all the suggestions I was given, and there is nothing I will not do for my recovery today. I got a sponsor, I have a network, I attend meetings every day and I do step work. I found the answer to the question I asked myself all my life: “Is this really what my life is going to be?” My glass is no longer half empty; It’s full. I have faith and believe in myself. I do something every day that I never thought possible so why shouldn’t I believe anything else is possible too? Any addict can stop using, lose the desire to use and find a new way to live. I’m so grateful I made it through the dark. I will not take life for granted anymore.
My name is Dennis. I’m an addict, and just for today I have 246 days clean.