Knot My Problem
In my last article, I wrote about the traffic jam in my head, the Gordian Knot which was not to be solved. Today I want to follow that subject with this little essay about how I used to create my own problems, worries and sorrows. I tied those Gordian Knots myself and was unable to untangle them again. How? I used to live in the problem instead of the solution.
I am a sailor. Have you ever noticed how many ropes, sheets and ties are on a sailboat? They all have special purposes and have to move freely when they are needed. A knot in one can capsize the boat. If I can’t take the sail to the other side fast enough, the wind controls the powerless boat. One tiny knot can make a big boat powerless. All lines must nicely rolled up, neatly in place and ready for use at any given moment. A boat and its ropes represent my life as a knot in my thoughts can make me powerless.
If even the smallest little problem came my way during times of active addiction, I would let it straight into my head and spin a monstrous and disastrous scene out of it. I knotted my own problem into a Gordian one until I was unable to find a solution. I created problems that did not exist before. Nobody can say alcoholics and addicts have a lack of imagination. I believe we said an extra loud, “Here!” as God was giving out this form of strength. With just two little words, I can make a small problem into a huge, gigantic disaster: “What if…” If those words are not commonly used by you, the word “but” can work just as well to ruin your day.
In recovery I had to do more than just stop drinking or drugging. I had to change my way of thinking and delete certain vocabulary words out of my thought process. Those “what ifs” are gone and replaced by “let’s see.” This small difference has a huge effect on substance abuse. Today I try not to worry about eggs which are not laid yet, clouds which are not in the sky or any things that haven’t happened yet. Most of my worries will never happen anyway, so why worry? Most of my problems can be fixed with little or no effort, so why imagine worst-case scenarios? I’m not running a nuclear power station. I run my thoughts and my small life. Most problems won’t have that much impact on my or others’ lives. I don’t have to write a book about it before it even happens.
Today I try to live in the solution. I won’t knot my problems to Gordian ones. I untangle them and fix them as quickly and smoothly as possible. If it is a “what if”-type problem, it can wait until it’s time has come. Usual it passes, and I find out it was not my problem anyway.
Living free from mental disasters is pretty nice. I still remember the panic attacks I would have over a scenario which then never happened. An example of this involves a “small” 4.0 earthquake I experienced while living in California. The situation was finished before most people noticed what was happening, but I sat under the dining table, frozen in fear and thinking about things that could have happened if the earthquake had been larger. Pictures in my head became internal horror movies which were ready for an Oscar. When I was able to move again, I walked straight to the bar in my home and spent the rest of that day and the next in nightmares and a blur. If you would have asked me why I drank that day, I would have explained that I had just escaped death by a hair, but the situation was not real. It was just a “what if” in my head. I had to stop creating those thoughts and look at facts. Today I would say, “Wow, good shake. I’m very grateful that it wasn’t more,” and would get an ice cream from the fridge.
Negative or knotted thinking often has just one purpose for an addict or alcoholic: creating a “pity party” even if there is nothing to complain or worry about. It is not done consciously, but it happens. I would suggest replacing the knots in your thoughts with plenty of gratitude and happiness. If you have a sponsor, please call him or her now (Unless it is nighttime. In this case you should think, “What if I call him now? He might not be too happy.” That is how a “what if” is used properly.) Tell him how grateful you are for today and for your sobriety. Gratitude is one of the best tools in sobriety.
Please untangle and unknot your thoughts so they don’t become your problems. With a little bit of mindfulness, it is not so hard. Just try to live in the present and observe your thoughts. Don’t create those Gordian Knots which slow down our thinking and our life. Too many of those thought knots drive me to a liquor store, so I keep my brain neat and clean and the pathways open and disentangled. Meditation might help you stay present and stop these knots from building up.
I would be so pleased if you would tell me, in a short comment under this story, how you keep your brain “knot free” or if you still have a hamster running in his wheel and building his nest inside your head. Also you may want to leave us your story of recovery with a click on the “share” button. We are curious how you got clean and sober and how you found your recovery from alcoholism, drugs, overeating, gambling or any mental health problem or how you helped a loved one to overcome his or her problems. You can also send your story to my email as a draft, and I can help you complete it if you don’t feel so secure writing it. It would be my pleasure!
Have an untwisted day,
Susanne
susuegypt@hotmail.com