- Drugs
Hello everyone. How do you sum up your life in a few paragraphs? It is hard to even know where to start, but I will try to make this quick. I was two years old when my mother took me from my father. My father ended up trying to get me back and got shot in the chest by my mother’s boyfriend. I was very young, so this really didn’t affect me, but there are many things that did. My father got me back from my mother, and when I was eight, he started sexually molesting me daily. It was only him and I, and I never went to school or was out of his sight. I went to work with him daily. He did not want me to tell anyone. He found a girlfriend and was a drunk. I was Punky Brewster for Halloween one year, and I remember waiting for hours for him to get done smoking PCP in the bathroom with his new girlfriend. He was going to take me trick or treating, but that never happened. He was too busy getting high, and when he was done, it was too late. One night his girlfriend went to leave, and I begged her not to leave me. She promised she wouldn’t, so I went to bed. I woke up later that night and had to pull my hair out from under my father, as he was passed out on it. I came down the steps, and she was gone. All I did was cry and watch for her out the window, but she did not return for days. The day I finally told this girlfriend that my father molested me is a blur. I do remember why I told and what made me realize what he did to me was wrong. He said, “Don’t tell anyone, or Daddy will go to jail.” I had no one to talk to, so I thought the situation was normal, but when he said that, I thought, “Why would he go to jail? It’s a bad place for bad people.” He ended up getting no time but did get 20 years probation and still to this day tries to pick up little girls and contact me. I have a daughter now, and he will never get the chance to corrupt her. I was taken away from my father and moved from family member to family member. I moved so much, I went to about five elementary schools. When we went to court for my aunt to get custody of me, the judge said, “If she is passed around any more, the state will take her. This isn’t healthy.” I was molested in a few of the places I lived. I was around drugs and mothers who didn’t want to take care of their children. I did, but I was a small child at this time. I want to think all these things didn’t affect me and I am not a victim, but that isn’t true. I have healed and moved on, but there are habits and emotions that lingered and shaped the person I am today. I tried OxyContin at the age of 21. My self-esteem was not high enough for me to say, “Screw you, take me home. I’m not doing this.” I did Oxys for days and woke up sick. I had no idea why. After many years of using, it wasn’t “fun” anymore. It was something I had to do to maintain, to function. In the middle of all this chaos, something beautiful happened, and his name was Joe. He was an addict, and we bonded instantly. My habit progressed from snorting Oxys to shooting anything I could get my hands on, including heroin. Joe was not using needles, and I shot him up for the first time. This is something I am not proud of, but I have to forgive myself for this terrible mistake. Joe and I ended up on the streets of Baltimore homeless and shooting dope. I got pregnant and thought I could get clean, but my addiction was stronger than my will, and our son was taken away. I became much worse after this. He was born addicted to heroin. The guilt from this still haunts me and always will. I do see him now, and he spends weekends here. Joe ended up violating his probation and getting locked up, and I got pregnant again a few months before he did his two years. I was alone and scared and had lost everything and everyone. I decided I no longer wanted to live this way and took the much-needed steps to get my life in order. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I was broken mentally and physically. I went through years of inpatient and outpatient rehabs. My little girl was born, and she wasn’t addicted to anything! I had to move away from where I was living. The people my daughter and I lived with were using, and the guy was abusive physically to me. I left all my things and never looked back. Social services didn’t appreciate that I moved, so when I went to a group, they were there waiting to take my little girl and put her in foster care. I do not think I have ever felt such heartache. I was sober, so I felt it all. It was devastating, and even to this day, when I talk about it, I choke up. She will never know how important she is. She saved my life. I worked hard and did all they said to do. I got her back six weeks later, and they closed my case a few months after that! Joe is out, and we are doing well. We have a normal life. We struggle, as it’s like starting over at 35, and that’s tough, but we have six years of sobriety under our belts. I am a survivor and a work in progress. I have a great support system and was able to make amends with those I hurt throughout my addiction. To whoever reads this: You can do it! You have to destroy what has destroyed you, and if you want to fly, give up the things that weigh you down.