- Alcohol
- Drugs
- Mental Health
One summer morning I awoke in a hospital bed. I was strapped with EKG nodes and stuck with an IV tube, and my mother was gripping my hand and holding a tissue with the other. We were in the ICU of the same hospital I was born in. It came close to being the place where I died. The previous night I attempted suicide for the third and final time.
I was 21 years old and had been living with untreated bipolar disorder for four years. I had dropped out of two colleges, strained or destroyed relationships with my friends and family and come to rely on drugs and alcohol to turn down or amplify the activity of my mind. It wasn’t until after my admittance to the ICU that I was diagnosed with bipolar type one and given treatment. The two weeks I spent in the hospital that summer helped me get on medication, taught me coping skills and gave me insight into living with mental illness, and every day since has been a step in the process of consciously maintaining my health to ensure I never hit that low point again.
My greatest obstacle to learning how to live with my illness has been giving up my reliance on drugs and alcohol. Shortly after I was released from the hospital, I was arrested for DUI. In the following years my drinking problem was reflected in my academics, personal and family relationships and run-ins with the police. It certainly didn’t help manage my bipolar disorder. It was not until recently, on my 27th birthday, that I realized I would not fully be living unless I was living sober. Until the past few months, I had not truly allowed myself to learn how to manage my mental illness. I constantly remind myself and am reminded by those who love me that the reasons to live are countless and that darkness is temporary. I have managed to earn both a bachelors and masters of arts degree in English, an accomplishment that is a source of pride and motivation. Mental illness and addiction will not hold me down.
Breaking the stigma means breaking down the barrier that stands between me and understanding who I am as a person living with mental illness. It means breaking the wall of silence that keeps me from letting others know mental illness is an issue made worse when those affected stay silent because they are convinced they are voiceless or no one will listen. I have spent nearly a decade trying to navigate my diagnosis, treatment and well-being in order to establish a healthy social and mental lifestyle. What I have struggled with the most is learning how to grasp a definition of who I am as an individual and a personality within the context of my early undiagnosed, untreated choices and behaviors and accepting the necessity of medication and others to regulate my condition. I want to help break the stigma. I refuse to remain voiceless.