Be the Change You Want to See in Your Loved One
As I write this blog post, my 24-year-old son—a former heroin user who is in recovery—has been clean for 695 days. If all goes well, he will be celebrating two years of sobriety on July 2nd.
But this piece isn’t about my son’s 695 days of sobriety; it’s about my 2,085 days.
Back in September of 2008, my son was in the middle of his second rehab stay. His first rehab stint had come a few months earlier when his marijuana use had gotten out of control. (Note: Contrary to what you may hear or read, marijuana is addictive for some people). But this time my son was being treated for an addiction to heroin.
Our son’s heroin addiction caught me and my wife by surprise. We had been drug testing him on a regular basis and all of his tests were clean. But one day he came to me in tears saying that he was addicted to heroin and needed help. This was right after he had passed a drug test with flying colors, so his words were perplexing to me. As it turns out, he had been using clean urine he had stockpiled in a 20-ounce Mountain Dew bottle in his closet to pass his drug tests. (Yes, people in the throes of addiction are the best liars and manipulators known to man, but that’s a story for another time.)
While our son was in rehab, he, my wife, and I had family therapy sessions with a therapist there. During one of those sessions, the therapist said something to me and my wife that changed our lives:
“Be the change you want to see in your son.”
Whoa. I never thought a ten-word sentence could have such an impact on me.
The therapist went on to say that telling our son to stop self-medicating in order to feel “normal” was a bit hypocritical if my wife and I were coming home from work and having a glass of wine or a couple of beers to relax and “take the edge off.” We were self-medicating just like our son was. Maybe not to the same degree, and not with illegal drugs, but the basic concept was the same.
Prior to that day, my wife and I were both social drinkers. Neither one of us had a “drinking problem,” although I will admit to, at the time, being on the verge of possibly crossing over that dangerous line. There is a long history of alcoholism on both sides of my family—my father, his father, my mom’s father, aunts, uncles, etc.—so I definitely had a predisposition for the disease. Add to that the fact that I had found myself drinking more and more as my son’s addiction progressed and the stars were sort of aligning themselves—and not in a good way.
In light of everything that was going on, the “Be the change you want to see in your son” directive from the family therapist hit me like an out of control freight train. It made complete and total sense. Why hadn’t I thought of it on my own?
Despite the obviousness of the therapist’s suggestion, I still had to contemplate it for a day or two. I think I was scared to give up alcohol. It’s not that I didn’t believe I could do it; it’s that I had never considered it before. I was 47-years-old and had been drinking since before I was legal drinking age. I grew up around alcohol. And I didn’t think I had a drinking problem (at least not yet). So the idea of stopping drinking was more than a bit foreign to me.
As I weighed the pros and cons of such a decision, I came to the realization that there weren’t really any cons. The only “con” I could come up with was not drinking alcohol anymore. But that was really a “pro,” because living a sober life—especially with my drinking having increased of late—was the healthier choice.
Add to that a list of pros that included:
- An act of solidarity for my son.
- Setting a good example for my younger son.
- No alcohol in the house to tempt either son.
- No more hangovers.
- Never having to worry about possibly making the stupid decision to drive after drinking.
- Money saved from not buying alcohol.
- Etc.
When it came right down to it, the decision was a no-brainer. So a couple of days after that family therapy session, I gave up drinking. My sobriety date is September 10, 2008, and I’m coming up on fast on six years. My wife also gave up drinking at the same time, so our household is a completely sober household.
Since we quit drinking, life has been so much better. It’s so satisfying to be able to live our lives and feel our emotions, whether they’re good or bad. No more self-medicating or numbing of bad feelings allowed. We are experiencing life as it was meant to be experienced.
Looking back to the time right before I quit drinking, I find it almost comical that I was drinking more to help me forget about my son’s problems. I was self-medicating to keep myself from thinking about my son’s self-medicating. How crazy is that?
Our “house beverages” now are water, sparkling water, and an occasional root beer (I am a root beer aficionado). We still entertain at home and have fun. We still go to parties and have fun. We still go out to dinner and have fun. We still go to concerts and have fun. Living a sober lifestyle is only as dull as you make it. I will be the first one to tell you that alcohol is not required to enjoy life.
If you drink alcohol and have a loved one who struggles with addiction, I would urge you to consider giving up drinking. I know everyone’s life and situation is different, but the advice that family therapist gave me back in September of 2008 was among the best advice anyone has ever given me. Being sober has made me a better person who is more in touch with reality than I have ever been. I’m also happier and more positive than I’ve ever been. And my kids know that I am not only talking the talk, I am walking the walk.
Be the change you want to see in your loved one. I have a feeling you won’t regret it.
Note: If you are in recovery, or if you have a loved one who is in recovery, please consider sharing your story on the Heroes in Recovery website. Real recovery begins with real people. And real stories. By sharing, you can help BREAK THE STIGMA.
You can share your story in one of two ways:
1.) Go to the Heroes in Recovery page, share your story directly, and let them know Dean sent you.
2.) Contact me on Facebook (Dean Dauphinais) and I can help you through the process. Or we can talk on the phone and I can help you write your story.
Also, please feel free to share this blog post or leave comments below. I want to know what your thoughts are on this subject. All feedback is appreciated.
Go forward, be brave, and keep the faith.
–Dean