- Drugs
Who hasn’t been deep in the woods? Just uncontrollably lost with no compass? I was the fallen, the weak, the desperate for anything to just quiet the ache in my chest. I lost both my parents at a young age and I never truly embraced their passing. When my best friend, the love of my life, my shepherd when I felt weak, passed away June 2, 2013 from a heroin overdose, I couldn’t handle the grief. The years of hanging onto grief and never truly coping took its toll. I tried doing productive things, tried maintaining but the harder I tried, the sadder I got. It hurt to breathe; it hurt to just inhale and exhale. Natural things became obstacles.
I had a mutual friend with Brandon and he would come over and make me feel a little better. He’d take me to the lake or on a drive. He’d let me vent and at the time, I truly thought he was God sent. The devil doesn’t come in a cape with horns. He comes in what we desire most and what I wanted was any part of Brandon I could get. Ben would tell me stories of Brandon on our drives and we’d reminisce on the good times. One evening, he comes to my house with a goof ball and tells me it’ll take me away from the hurt. That it was fun. I had tried heroin once with Brandon but all it did was make me sleep so I wasn’t a fan. I didn’t know what was in a goof ball but at the moment, Ben was someone I trusted and him offering it could only mean he was trying to help, right? Ugh! The naive state of the vulnerable is astounding. I’ve always hated needles but I needed an escape. I coughed so hard I couldn’t breathe. I never tried meth before and he loaded a 40 cent piece of meth into the goof ball. He laughed because I was so overwhelmed with the drugs that I instantly started “flaying”. I felt so alive! It was amazing to want to talk, to touch, to have something that didn’t make me feel so alone. He seemed so happy around me when I was high and I finally felt needed again.
This went on for about 3 weeks only on the weekends until the use went up. I couldn’t function at work, I started feeling paranoid that everyone was mad at me and they all knew. The harder I tried to hide my “recreational hobby” the more it showed, unknowing to me! I lost my job very shortly after that. I closed myself off from my friends almost immediately, not wanting to admit what I was doing to them, they wouldn’t understand why I was doing this. They’d lecture me and just tell me everything I didn’t want to hear. Ben soon became more than a friend and that’s when things went really askew. I lost my job so I wasn’t bringing any money in to pay rent so Ben has a “friend” he moves into my apartment that can pay the bills and is a dealer. She moves in and I think I’ve finally found some serenity. But it never works that way. Ben started being so verbally abusive to me that he would go as far as saying “Go f’ing kill yourself already. You’d be doing us all a favor” he’d yell at me when people would come over, I basically started locking myself in my room except when I needed a fix and “the roommate” would oblige since the apartment was in my name.
I lived like this for months (which isn’t long for some people but it felt like years) everything good the drugs brought me was gone. I was alone and miserable again. Everyone around me was fake, vindictive and sly. I’m not that person on or off drugs. I’m enthusiastic about the stupidest tings, I laugh at the littlest things and I’m so giving it even disgusts me at times. People would come over to buy drugs and I’d offer them food because I didn’t know how long it had been since they ate, or I’d leave water and cups on the table so everyone was staying hydrated. Not very practical behavior in the drug world. I was shunned to my room by the roommate before long, too. This went on until Ben introduced me to one of his female friends. She acts kind like me and giving. so I warm up to instantly, finally feeling some compassion. I find out very quickly that she’s an informant for the police and tells me my apartment is being watched. What? Wait, is this real? Cops? I go into full blown panic. She proceeds to tell me that because the apartment is in MY name that I will do more time than anyone else. That I’m looking at 25 to life because I live there!
What do I do? I’m scared. She tells me I have to get my things out in 3 days and I can stay at her place. Okay! Great! I can only get the things out of my room because I live in a town house and I only have a small bedroom to put all my stuff into. I tell my landlord that I got into a bad relationship and to give me an eviction notice, thinking no one will know that I’m trying to not go to jail and I can’t tell them that she knows this because then they’ll think I’m a part of it and she’s the only person I have. He gives me the fake eviction for a 30-day vacate. I move my room to her place in shambles. They don’t believe what I’m saying and are getting abrasive with me. I stay at her house for a few days but I’m sobering up and she sees I’m not bringing free drugs anymore. My whole world is getting entirely way to shifty. I go back to my place one last time to see if I can bring anything else. Ben has found a new girlfriend and is naked with her in my bed that I can’t take because it’s a California king. The misery intensifies.
While sitting on my couch downstairs I hear a knock at my door. I had just got loaded on a 40 cent piece of straight crystal and am feeling so hot I can’t breathe. I open the door and see two of my sober friends that I haven’t seen in months. They looked terrified when seeing me. They start crying. They had heard rumors but didn’t know how to approach me so they thought they’d stop by and see how true it was. They tell me to please come with them, that it would be okay and that they loved me too much to see me laid to waste. I tell them I want to but I can’t. They leave and I sit high, trying to figure out my next move but don’t know how to even think clearly anymore. I go to the mirror and look at myself. I’m a 25 year old female who looks very young for my not so old age but I still look like a teenager. I don’t see what they see. I don’t have pick marks, (learned very quickly to not pick at my face high) I look thin but I’ve always been naturally thin. I look tired but not dark circles under the eyes tired. I’m so confused by what they perceive! I stay up for two nights and stay on the couch, quietly and to myself. People come and go, buying, selling, etc. Ben tells me and has told me through this whole experience that I’m still worthless and the girl he has now is a million times better than me. She can steal, she can sell, and she knows what the drug world is about where I know nothing. My mom was a meth user and died due to alcoholism. I literally unplugged my mom and watched her die. I feel I know the drug world just not how to maneuver in it. Ben says he’s going to go talk to my landlord and if he finds out I’m lying, I will feel a whole new side of hell I’ve never felt before. I’m scared.
I go back to the girl’s house and I knock on the door for 45 minutes before she answers, I had to walk there, mind you, and it’s a different part of town. I tell her everything that Ben says and she doesn’t say much, which wasn’t normal for her. I go to my room and my things have been gone through. Her bedroom door is shut and it’s really quiet. I’m paranoid and scared. I tell her I’ll be back and leave. I’m walking back to my place, accepting my fate that I’m probably going to be beat up or murdered or whatever horrible case scenario I can place in my head. I’m a block away when a car pulls up beside me. It’s my two friends who had knocked on my door days prior. They ask me to get in and I do. They start crying again and plead with me to come home with them. I finally agree. I sleep for an entire week, only to get up to eat 12 bowels of cereal and to use the rest room. After the first week of being sober I go to the informant’s apartment to collect my things. She won’t let me in, her brother does but I can only take what’s important to me. I lose all the things I’ve worked hard for and only leave with my pictures, keepsakes and part of my clothes. I lost everything.
I am 5 months clean, going to college and working as a nanny through the state. I’m still living with the friend who saved me and am feeling at peace with a lot of things. I refuse to get into any relationship because I need a year to heal before thinking about putting myself out there. There’s so much more to this story and there’s so much more back story but we don’t have time for a memoir. I am blessed to have amazing people in my life. Ben is doing 3-5 years in prison for getting caught on the street with dope. I pray he finds sobriety and kindness. Yesterday was the anniversary of Brandon passing and I felt at peace with his passing. I know he would be proud of me. Once you’ve lost everything, you can achieve anything. I’ve never gone to treatment, for fear of people feeding on my vulnerability and I wish I could. I’m living one day at a time and things are okay. I got offered drugs the other day by someone who used to come over and get high. I refused and couldn’t be more okay with saying no. Drugs are crutches and it tore my life apart. I’ll admit I listen to a lot of Macklemore, Johnny Richter and Madchild now. I couldn’t upload a picture but I look better and put on some weight. I haven’t really put my whole story out to anyone so here it is. Thanks for reading