- Drugs
My name is Mariel H. I am 28 years old. I live in Point Pleasant, NJ. I am a daughter, sister, aunt, girlfriend and friend. I am also a consumer, a voter, a taxpayer, a home renter and a licensed, registered, insured driver. I am a responsible, productive and valued employee. I am a diligent full-time student with a 3.9 GPA. I believe wholeheartedly in the healing properties of yoga and meditation, am a certified yoga teacher, lived in an ashram for nine months and hold nothing more sacred then my personal practice both on and off the mat. In my spare time, I can usually be found outside kayaking, hiking, biking or on the beach. I spend too much money on clothes. My favorite word is fabulous. I cry too often, and I laugh too loud. I love coffee, cupcakes, sushi and kale! I am also a person in long-term recovery, and for me that means that although I suffer with substance use disorder, I have not drank alcohol or used drugs in over seven years.
For the majority of my teenage years, I was afflicted with alcohol and drug addiction. It started out fun and innocent, and I ended up 20 years old, underweight and a shell of a human being. I was homeless and prostituting myself on the streets of South Norwalk, Connecticut. At some point in my early teens, I crossed a line where drinking and getting high was no longer fun, but it was no longer an option. I felt broken, hopeless and empty. I was not drinking or getting high for pleasure; and the party was long over. I was drinking and getting high to escape the darkness of my reality.
Alcohol and drug addiction derailed my life, robbed me of so much, killed my spirit and left me broken. I was bankrupt in every sense of the word, emotionally, physically, financially and spiritually. After years comprised of psych wards, detoxes, life-threatening situations, a miscarriage, extensive counseling, physical and sexual abuse, arrests, outpatient and inpatient treatment, and finally a five-week stint in a Florida jail, I was done. Just as drinking and getting high was not an option, getting sober was no longer an option either. It got to the point where if I continued as I was, I was going to die. I had a minimum two-bundle-a-day heroin addiction and a fifteen-hundred-dollar-a-day crack habit. The places I was going and the things I was doing to acquire these drugs were both dangerous and illegal. I was slowly killing myself. At 21 years old, I did not want to die. My recovery story starts May 2007 with a moment of clarity and a little bit of willingness. I got very involved with a 12-step program where two very important things occurred. I was taught about what I suffered from, and I realized that I was not alone. It was not until I was aware of what I suffered from that I was capable of properly treating it. Slowly but surely I began to change who I was, my view of myself and the world around me and, perhaps most importantly, my reactions to life. The transformation I have undergone has been extreme and at times incredibly painful. However nothing has been more worthwhile or rewarding than this journey. I am a useful and whole woman. The life I live today is beyond amazing!
Obviously I have struggled with many things, but I specifically want to talk about two things. One: I had no understanding about alcoholism/addiction. I didn’t know it is a brain disease that affects people of all ages, races, creeds, cultures, religions and socioeconomic statuses. I honestly thought that since I was an upper-middle-class white teenager, I couldn’t possibly be an addict and that I was just going through phase. Obviously that was not only delusional but also based on a lack of education, on what I had been taught about addiction and more importantly what I had not been taught about addiction. The world must be better informed about addiction for so many reasons but primarily to allow addicts to self-diagnose. Two: I didn’t know anything about recovery. My thoughts about life without alcohol and drugs included boredom, misery and church basements. Now having been in recovery for some time, I can tell you that my life is anything but boring or miserable! Although sometimes I do hang out in church basements, my recovery is so much more than that. My life is filled with excitement, joy, passion, contentment, love, laughter, faith, gratitude and purpose. Why is it that recovery is not talked about and celebrated? What if recovery was understood and attractive? Let’s stop talking about the tragedy of addictions, let’s step out of the shame and the guilt of addiction and let’s step into the light and start focusing on the hope of recovery. Recovery is beautiful, possible and real!
When I think about the financial sacrifices my mother made to try and get me the help I so desperately needed, I am humbled, overwhelmed and grateful. Due to the lack of parity in the world of medicine and the world of insurance, mental health and addiction are not treated or covered the same way any other illness is. If I had cancer, insurance would have gotten me the best treatment available and immediately! However with drug addiction and mental illness, my mother had to pay for almost everything out of pocket. Despite it being a tremendous hardship for her, it was something she was capable of. Treatment, although by no means the final answer, was the first step for me. It was a glimmer of hope; it was an introduction to the possibility of living a sober life. What about all the people who are not capable of paying for treatment? Does that make them any less worthy of recovery? Absolutely not.
I moved to New Jersey a little less than two years ago. A couple months after I got here, a girlfriend of mine brought me to see a screening of Greg Williams’s feature documentary The Anonymous People. I had no idea that that evening would shift the entire course of my life. This movie was about the 23 million people in long-term recovery from alcoholism and addiction right here in America. At this very moment, there are 20 million people in the thralls of their addiction which is a sad statistic. However what is even more poignant for me is that there are more people in recovery than in active addiction! This movie spoke about and encouraged bringing a voice to the recovering community. It highlighted the brave individuals who were starting to stand up, bring a face and voice to recovery and fight to break the stigma of addiction through advocating for proper prevention, treatment and recovery support services. I was so emotional and empowered that evening. I remember crying throughout the screening, I also remember feeling a new calling and a new purpose. I jumped right in to the New Jersey advocacy movement. I started by getting involved with NCADD-NJ (National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependency, New Jersey) and then shortly after got involved with YPR-NJ (Young People in Recovery, New Jersey). I was quickly all over the state writing letters to the editor, testifying in front of and meeting with state legislators and attending and participating in forums/panels/conferences. I ended up being offered a job with NCADD-NJ in April in their Public Affairs department. That has been one of the biggest blessings. I work every day doing what I’m passionate about. Many folks don’t have this opportunity.
When I think of what is going on currently in regards to addiction I get chills. I truly believe it is our time. Although addiction rates may be at an all-time high, recovery is also at an all-time high. Hope is available for those afflicted. Addiction is a disease and must be treated as such. Throughout history people who have been treated unfairly and discriminated against have had small grassroots movements which have broken stigma and facilitated better treatment and less discrimination. Think about African Americans. Think about women. Think about AIDS patients. It is our time! Margaret Meade once said, “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.” My wish is to be a part of the movement that revolutionizes the way alcoholism and drug addiction are viewed and treated. I advocate publicly for recovery wherever and whenever I can.