- Alcohol
- Faith
- Mental Health
I was asked to write a goodbye note to alcohol. It took me more than three years in sobriety to write it. I think it captures, to the best of my ability to describe, what that relationship was like and why my life was so crazy.
Dear Alcohol,
You have been the worse lover of my life. I have had some not-so-hot relationships in the past, but you, you really take the cake. Do you remember when we first met? I was 15, at a house party. I got my first taste of you. I had thought about you long before this. I wanted to drink because I thought it would be a cool thing and give me the edge I needed to be a bad-ass. After I got my first taste of you, I was in love with you. I thought about you a lot of the time. You made me feel so confident and goofy. I was happy and funny. I could live without you for periods of time, but I couldn’t wait to get my hands on you again.
Then as the years went on, I thought about you more and more. When I finally could have you whenever I wanted, you took hold faster than I realized. You kept me isolated and somewhat happy. At least I didn’t have to feel, I guess. Somehow I made it through college, drinking almost every day by my senior year. I guess I was lucky I was young. It would have been a shame to leave college with so little left to complete. You started to influence my ability to work. You became a need now.
I really believed that I would outgrow you. I thought one day I would get sick of you. I just didn’t. There were always new stresses in my life, new social lives to create. I just couldn’t get enough of you. I started to hide our relationship. I knew that others wouldn’t approve if they knew what we had. I hid you in my crate of nylons in the back of the closet. I hid you in my backpack. At times I had to hide you in my car. I still wanted and needed you. I was starting to choose you over everything.
I went back to nursing school and got away from you for a little bit. By the end however, your claws were in my brain and my body. My husband at the time found out the extent of our relationship. He wanted me to stop, but even he was no match for you. I needed just one more year with you to get over you. I needed to get a new job or new friends or a new car or buy a house. I had this life that I wanted. You just kept hanging around. I thought you were relieving all of my pain. Little did I know, you were just making it worse.
Once my divorce was finalized, you and I had it made. I didn’t have to justify my relationship with you to anyone anymore, but suddenly you stopped making me happy. You abused my mind, soul and body. You killed my spirit. I started thinking of suicide all the time. You made me cry night after night. I woke up in the morning and still felt you. I even smelled of you. I wanted to die because of you. You had this unbelievable hold on my mind. I heard you whisper my name in the dead of night and say, “Are you lonely? I know you, I care. Just take me, it’s OK. No one knows.” I lost all those hours listening to you. One horrible night I decided I would rather die. I overdosed on you and pills. After ten days in the psych ward, I still sugarcoated our relationship.
I started to lose my life. You made me so physically ill. I couldn’t eat anymore, but somehow I could still drink you. You bankrupted me financially. I had to change jobs because of our relationship. I became paranoid that people would find out about us. Some people picked up on our relationship, and I banished them from my life. I continuously chose you. You convinced me that we were OK. For moments in time, you would help me stop shaking. You would take the edge off of my nerves. I could relax for a minute or two.
The morning I chose to leave you was so painful. I called my mom at 6:00am on a cold, snowy February morning. She drove 80 miles to find me unshowered, unkempt, crying and embarrassed. There was no hiding now. There was no turning back. You and I were exposed. My mom took me to the ER. It was 7:30am. I blew a 0.26 on the breathalyzer. I couldn’t stop talking. I was swept away to the detox unit. I didn’t know I could literally die without you. I knew I felt like I was dying emotionally without you, but physically you could have killed me too.
It took five days to detox from you. I had a questionable seizure. I fell. I couldn’t go to the bathroom without assistance. I was dehydrated, malnourished. I sat in the detox center, locked in like a caged animal. I wanted to get away from you so badly yet all I wanted to was go back to our old relationship. We could go back to the good times, right? You could start making things better and more fun, right? I made a smart decision and went on to treatment from there.
I couldn’t stop obsessing about you. I loved you and hated you at the same time. I thought of you every waking minute. You voice was so loud. There was no life without you. What was I thinking? Just like that, you crept back into my life. Your grip was even more powerful than before. You laughed at my weakness. You rejoiced in my sorrow. When I cried, my eyes stung from crying alcohol tears. I was no longer hydrated enough to produce real tears. Even as you laughed at me, I still needed you. I couldn’t get you out of my mind. Why would I stick around for the abuse? I had to reach out again to my mom and friends. They were not happy when they found out I went back to you. They would do anything to help me stay away from you, but they would no longer tolerate you hanging around.
God had to step in. You were too powerful for me. He put up walls and barriers to keep you away. I wanted you back, but everyone was telling me no. It was unhealthy to be together anymore. I just wanted you to take me away, just one last time. I wanted the opportunity to prove to people that you weren’t lying to me. I could control you. I could have a life with you. Why didn’t people understand what you meant to me? You made my life so aggravating for the first year. I wanted you out, but I couldn’t stop thinking about you!
Each day I am getting stronger and can stop your advances with body, mind and will. You call from time to time, but I don’t pick up anymore. I have too much to lose now. I lost so much because of you: my pride, my self-respect, my brainpower and my memories with family and friends. Although you provided immediate relief at times, I have better ways now. You should see the things I have done without you. It’s amazing. I know you think that I am still weak and one day you will get me back, but you are not going to today. I said NO today, so take that.
I pray each day that your influence will continue to fade out of my life. I will never forget you, maybe one day I will even forgive you, but life is just better without you. I can’t do it anymore. Alcohol, you are the worst lover I ever had.
JT
“In God’s economy, nothing is wasted. Through failure, we learn a lesson in humility which is probably needed, painful though it is.”
Bill W.