- Alcohol
- Drugs
I was born in Fredonia, Kansas in 1962. My mom was 17 years old and my dad was 20 years old. My dad came from a Catholic family. They got married young and my dad followed the Catholic ways, except he was an alcoholic. My dad was in the air force so we moved often and we finally landed in Virginia. After that, my dad worked for Standard Oil Refinery as the chief crew supervisor.
My father put me in Catholic schools until I finally got myself kicked out. He did not want me in public schools or around black people. I have a sister and brother but I was the only one he kept overnight. He took me everywhere and he spoiled me. Back then, I was a “daddy’s girl.” He would take me with him when he was cheating on my mom but I never saw anything as there was always kids to play with and I did not know what was going on. When he took me to these places he would always reward me with expensive jewelry and so on. He would also give me alcohol I think to put me to sleep, so I learned at a young age how to stay numb and did not even know it.
When my mom finally had enough she took us to Newkirk, Oklahoma. I was ten years old then. I hated her for taking me away from him and I was completely out of control. I was always in trouble at school with the law. You name it and I was doing it. She went through hell.
When I was 14, I had my first boyfriend and he was always in trouble with the law. My mother and aunt did not like him. At 15, I got pregnant and had a daughter. They told me I would never be able to have any more kids. While I was pregnant, my rich aunt tried twice to get me to sign my baby over to her and I refused and told her to have her own baby because she was not getting mine. My mom was raising four kids on waitress pay so things were hard for her.
One night I went to a keg party with some kids I ran around with and most of them where always in trouble. Someone there gave me some valium and I took them and I passed out and three guys gang raped me. When I woke up, I called my mom and had her come get me.
I couldn’t believe I lost my baby, but when I got home she was gone. My mom let my aunt babysit because I was gone and they would not give her back. Back then she was sleeping with the D.A. and somehow she got control of my daughter. She would not let me see my daughter but my mom would get her whenever she could.
I went crazy then and did everything I could to stay numb. One day I got permission to take my daughter for two hours and I brought her back when they told me to bring her back. But when I got there they arrested me for kidnapping. My mom and I could not believe that my aunt would do something like that and she promised my mom she would have the charges dropped but they are still on my record.
My aunt set me up, for what reason to this day I cannot tell you. I moved to Ponca City at age 18 and went to work. I lived with the father of my child. That’s when I found out he was with the Mexican cartel so I split and went to Tulsa, Oklahoma and staying heavy into whatever substances I could. I had married this guy in Ponca but only stayed with him for 4 months.
When I got to Tulsa I meant this biker and a friend of his. The biker was a junkie so there I went doing even more drugs. He turned out to be a piece of crap but, his friend and I became close friends and that was all.
When I was living in Tulsa my friend from the biker took me to Newkirk so I could try and see my daughter. When I arrived, she was outside playing and my friend told me if I would throw the 12-pack I had away he would let me grab her, so I did. It was winter time, so I took her back to Tulsa to my apartment and took her shopping and got her whatever she wanted. About three days later they found me and I had to let them take her. They tried to press charges but since they were not legal U.S. residents, they could not do anything.
I could not get away from my friend at that time, so I went back to Ponca to my mom’s place for a while.
I was working and another guy kept asking me out so, after a few months I finally agreed to go and have a drink with him. By then, I was 25. I got pregnant with another daughter and my mom moved to Kansas so I talked him into moving there. This was in 1987.
My dad was dying, so my sister and I took my second daughter and her son to Virginia for two months until he died. I was flying back and forth to Kansas to get weed and pills to haul down there. So after my dad died, I went back to Kansas and was only home for a few days. One day when I got off work my family had stolen my kid. Now that was two kids and I got even crazier.
I went to a doctor to get put on valium and he told me he could not do that, but he could give me Xanax. Well, it was on then. I did not have to drink because this doctor would give me all the Xanax I wanted. I loved them and eventually stayed on them for 27 years.
After I started Xanax, I went back to Oklahoma to find my daughter and by the time I found her my ex filed a divorce. I was married to someone else but this was in the county that my aunt got my first kid. I could not get myself cleaned up I did not know any other way but the way I knew, I had already been to five treatment centers.
I ran again back to Tulsa and went back to work and went out with the cook one night and got pregnant again. By then I was 29 and this father did not want the baby so we made a deal– but his mom found out. I could not keep my son from his family, so I let my son start seeing his grandparents.
I was not with the father of my son. My son’s father was a dope cook but by then I was not using that any more since I had doctors to give me Xanax. Xanax was my thing and in Tulsa there are a lot of pill doctors.
I was at the store one day and ran into an old friend and ended up marrying him. I had met this guy when I was 16 years old. I loved him very much and since everything was so screwed up I had left him alone back then. I stayed married to this man for 10 years and he beat me every day and he kept me isolated about for about 15 years out of the city, out in the country. He sold dope as well. Finally, I got away from him.
By this time I had been to eight more treatment centers. I think I just went to them in order to hide and get clean for a while. One time, I finally did. I was in treatment again, by then my son was about 16 years old. I had $4,000.00 on me and I gave him the money to rent us an apartment in Coweta.
When I got out of treatment, we moved in. Things were going well for a few years except the Xanax and I did not know that my son’s father was giving him dope. I sent my son to job core to finish school because he was getting into trouble.
My son finally came home. By then I was 48 years old. I over dosed two times in three weeks. Then I started praying. The guy I was in love with when I was 16 had found me 4 times in thirty years and this time I left with him. He is a pain pill addict but we have been together 6 years and almost three of them we have been married. We have had our ups and downs but he never left my side while I kicked the Xanax.
I went to treatment that was court ordered this time and on December 12 of 2014, I will have one year clean. Vickie is my sponsor and she has been good to me.
There is more but I will leave it at that because I would be here for days. This past year I have seen God work on me and big changes have come. I have met some really good people– people a year ago I would have walked away from, and I am glad I did not.
I would like to thank all the people who stood by me and never gave up hope. I would like to say, “I love you all and I am very grateful”. Now I am on a new mission to give back what I took and to take back what is mine so thank you for letting me do this and my God bless every one of you.
-SHARI