- Alcohol
My story is unique to me, but it is not unlike many others I have heard in meetings and from other fellow addicts. Sure the details are different: different people, different time line, different events. What I have learned is that it’s not about the details. It’s about the feelings, feelings of insecurity, self-doubt and perpetual dissatisfaction. It’s about wanting to be loved or to be the center of attention and feeling like the only way to be that is through drugs.
My recovery story began the night of my 26th birthday. My evening ended abruptly in jail. By 9pm I had gotten black-out drunk, gotten into a physical fight with my father and assaulted two police officers. There were many other details to this evening, most of which I luckily do not remember. What I do remember is the onslaught of feelings I woke up to the next morning in that jail cell. In addition to the physical pain I was in, my using had once again led to dire consequences.
I walked out with multiple charges including two felonies hanging over my head. Like any addict I had a plan: do whatever I had to in order to stay out of jail. That same week I checked myself in to an outpatient rehab program and began attending support group meetings. I dove headfirst into meetings and treatment. I was bound and determined to stay out of jail and was willing to do whatever it took. I got a sponsor, started working on step work and got involved in the fellowship, but I was there to stay out of jail, not because I truly believed I had a problem.
When I had put together five and half months of clean time, I relapsed. The next morning I woke up and, for the first time, felt a deep sense of loss. I had lost something I didn’t even know I cared about. My clean time had actually meant something to me. I spent years using to make my feelings go away. My relapse caused me to have feelings I never thought possible.
That night I went to the first meeting that I sat in while clear-headed that I was there for me and no one else. It didn’t matter if I went to jail. It didn’t matter what other consequences I would have to face as a result of my using. I knew with absolute certainty that I wanted to live clean. I was done using. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Four months later I was sentenced to six months in jail. There were more than 20 recovering addicts in the courtroom with me when I was sentenced. A month later I reported to jail clean.
I would never wish jail upon anyone, and I certainly don’t ever want to have to go through that again, but it was exactly what I needed at that point in my life. Honestly it was the best thing that has ever happened to me. For the first time in my life, I was forced to sit still. All I could do was focus on me. I read, exercised, called my sponsor, wrote, became a vegetarian and prayed to my Higher Power daily. I spent six months figuring out who I was and what I wanted.
Today my life is a miracle of recovery. I am 31 years old and, God willing, I will be celebrating five years clean next month. My son, who suffered through years of my using, is happy and healthy and has structure in his life. I recently married a man who is my best friend, a support in my recovery and someone who I respect and love deeply. I have two beautiful stepdaughters who let me participate in their lives, and with my parents and sister, I am an active part of my family.
Life is not perfect. Getting clean doesn’t mean everything goes my way. I still have to deal with life on life’s terms. The difference today is that as long as I don’t use, I have the opportunity to face life head on and deal with problems as they come with the tools I have learned. Recovery offers freedom from active addiction. Today I have that and so much more.