- Alcohol
- Drugs
“Sometimes I think it’s better to never ask why.” – Pink
August 20th
I guess in my life it’s hard to argue with that statement. And tonight, as I sit here typing this, I would have to say that at this point I am a very happy and grateful person for all the opportunities that have been given back to me to once again try to live life again the right way…this way
I don’t know what it was all about. Back about 90 days ago, when things had become so hard for me, and then suddenly they changed for the better and I wound up here, but I don’t really think I need to know at this moment. I am pretty happy with just accepting things the way that they are.
I have read many different stories, in many different books over the years, about certain turning points that happen to us in our lives, and how the choices that we make eventually make us. I don’t know if any of mine have had that much weight in the grand scheme of things or not, but the one that I faced that day, to live again, or just get it over with and do everyone a favor and die, had to be the biggest game changer of them all.
There were truly no promises that anything would be different back then, but I just knew inside that I had to give it a try if I was to have a chance at any sort of change in my life either way. Today as I look around and see that all of the things I dreamed about and wanted so badly back then have not only come to pass, they have also come to stay. Whatever it has been that has guided all these things over the past 6 plus years is a force that I can never deny as a powerful influence. It has given me all the things I lost back to me, and it has also shown me things I didn’t even know existed in the first place.
My lady Pink sings of things like desire and the fact that a flame can come of it. I believe in that. She goes on to say that you have to get up and try without worrying about the results of your effort. No argument here. I have never stopped seeing more for myself, or the world around me, since that day. I’ve lost things in this life, sober and drunk, but I have tried to just keep going. Something I have learned from the others that have done it before me and also achieved their own dreams after adversity and tragedy. I don’t have the secret, but I have read the book.
I have been to the brink, and through all of it that force has been with me. I just didn’t know it was, or what it was, or more importantly where it was. It turns out that it was put inside of me as a gift so that I could continue on with my journey, giving me the strength to persevere just enough to be where that force wants me to be at the moment. This is fine with me, because when I did finally make the decision to live I couldn’t go back. I had to, and still have to, continue.
If I don’t try I will never know, and that would be something that I couldn’t let happen again. I remember what it felt like to not want to live enough to know that wanting to live is a much better feeling to have than having none at all. I share this with the universe because I am once again a willing participant in what it has to offer. It’s my hope that the universe itself continues to want me to try and allows me to do just that, because if this is where I am supposed to be I’ll take as much of it as I can get for as long as I can get it. But I’ll settle for one thing: The chance to get up tomorrow and continue to try again.
“All I really want is something beautiful to say.” – Seether
Voices: It seemed that they were everywhere today. From a primary vote up here in Alaska, to the troubles going on in the Midwest with the shootings, there seemed to be opinions, statements, accusations, proclamations, and even some forbidding advice when it came to the natural disasters happening in California and Arizona. Whenever I turned around today I heard something about something. But what was voice saying to me? Did it matter? Did I listen? Was it really anything good?
I guess it’s easy to fall prey to the negativity of this world when so many times you find so many people who use words as weapons, designed with the ultimate destruction of all: the destruction of another’s soul, and, even worse, their hope. I mean even in my own experiences today, not only did I find myself irritated by someone else’s constant nagging about the way I did things, I even found myself wanting to point out their own imperfections as a defense. It is why I try to learn from the way I have been taught in this new way of living. Concentrate on your behavior and your part in this day. You can’t change someone else any more than they can change you if you don’t want them to or let them.
I think it’s why I have such distaste for the political arena. I just can’t stand the finger pointing and nastiness that comes from finding fault in another instead of presenting solutions from within as an alternative. There is a saying, in a program that I continue to work at, that says, “Obviously you can’t transmit something you haven’t got.” I have added, “What is it that you are really trying to say anyways, and to whom are you saying it?” My main concerns have to be on my side of the fence first, don’t they? A simple answer to that is “Be the change that you want to see in the world”, right?
But the funniest part of all this is that just by speaking about it, my voice is walking a thin line of doing the same thing that I detest; analyzing another’s behavior instead of reflecting upon my own. Did I make a difference in a life today? Was I a detriment to one? Did I touch another’s soul in a good way? Or did I take a piece of it away, because it was easier than building it up? Did I treat me the right way again? Did I talk too much and listen too little?
In the end, only my “Him” will answer these questions when it’s my time to meet with Him, and that’s the bottom line of all of it. Will He approve of how I used the gifts He gave me in this life?
The Buddha also tells me that the fastest way to true enlightenment is through others. So if that be the case, maybe trying to find more good in another, instead of always recognizing the bad may be the way to a better, happier way of life. But if I chose not to listen and I go my own way, thinking I know better, how will I ever know?
You tell me which is easier and more fulfilling at the end of the day: Not living, hating, and growling at everything or living, loving, and laughing as much as possible? I know what my choice will be just from reading my own words, no weapons needed.
“Heard a lot of talk about my spirit/Heard a lot of talk about my soul/But I decided that anxiety and pain were better friends/So I let it go.” – Live
If you have never heard this song before, you might be amazed at its true message. I know I always am. It actually fits well with my story tonight, which I have decided to refer to as, “Code Name: Operation Spirit”, for more reasons than one. But let’s start it off by sticking to that spirit thing, because mine needed a tune up today without a doubt.
I was feeling a little lost today for some reason. I mean, I really had a hard time putting a finger on why, and I even had some freaky emotional swings I wasn’t prepared for. I got out of whack on issues that normally don’t get to me, and thought to myself a number of times, “Snap out of it!” Then I realized what the problem was, and could have kicked myself for not seeing it sooner: I wasn’t having fun, or enjoying myself one bit. More importantly, I had forgotten about the little things I had around me that were supposed to be what it’s all about anyways.
Looking at it now I can come up with a long list of what happened that was all good in my day. First there was the Bus ride I was early for and the fresh air on the walk to it, which was accompanied by a gorgeous sunrise to boot. Then was the fact that on my first smoke break I finally saw my first Bald Eagle since I have been in Alaska. A definite treat, since it was 50 feet away in the sky, fighting with a Seagull for ten minutes in front of me. And who could forget it was payday? And, finally, I had a little money to work with again.
All of those things together, matched by a pretty good day production wise at work, have added up to a happy ending at the moment, and all it really took was me to sit down and have that talk with myself again. I had to let me know that it isn’t always about the bunnies & the daisies as much as it is about treating myself to a field of them, even if they are not there. There is nothing wrong with enjoying this life I live now, and I shouldn’t feel guilty for it. If it’s the finer things I am trying to discover, uncover, and strive for, then what am I waiting for? Let’s get it back, right?
I know it’s a little silly, but this is the first time, in many years, where I have been truly on my own, and I have spent so many years of my life trying to please someone else, or trying to live by someone else’s rules, that this new freedom to just be is a little un-nerving because I don’t know what to do with it just quite yet. But don’t get me wrong, I am learning. And as long as I remember to treat myself right in the process, I believe I will make it through this adjustment in life with flying colors.
As long as I remember that I’m so used to beating myself up about what I did wrong, that smiling and being ok with what is right isn’t something I’m used to, then I am making progress to that life I want. Even after six years, I am still learning about what it takes to live life the way it was meant to be lived. You know what? The happy ending to this story tonight is that I care enough about myself to want that good stuff again instead of being the worst enemy I ever had and destroying it all like I used to in that sense. I guess, just for today, I did treat myself the way I always wanted to. I treated myself right.
“All I want from you is to see you tomorrow, and every tomorrow, maybe you’ll let me borrow your heart. And is it too much to ask for every Sunday? And while we’re at it, throw in every other day to start.” – Justin Timberlake
Well, it is Sunday after all, right? For some reason I find that when I am writing it always helps to take a little Facebook break to decompress, and good music is definitely a bonus. As more and more of my Sundays are spent up here in the Last Frontier, I am finding myself more comfortable with the patterns of this new way of living because I have brought the old ways with me, too. That, of course, is a good thing to have with me.
I’m no different I guess, even though the surroundings certainly have changed. I still enjoy a little quiet time to get ready for my week, and Sundays have been the traditional day for that. I am realizing today, that no matter what happens with my future up here, I have made the decision to not go back to Omaha to live. I told my Baby-Huey that this is what I had decided, and he was ok with it. Basically it’s because I told him that if I did come back to Nebraska, I would fulfill my dream of the small town, the farm, and the horses to retire to.
But my dreams are being answered right here, and right now, so there really isn’t anything to worry about at the moment, and that is also NOT A BAD THING. In fact it’s a pretty good thing for a change. I have been able to achieve a few things here I surprised myself in being able to do, and the relatively calm way I have lived has really been an eye opener when it comes to my faith, belief, and trust in what I’ve learned from living in this new way.
I have always told people that I never wanted to say, “I wish I would have…” again in my life, and I think it is in that philosophy of giving it a shot, at least, that I have found my strength. From the simple everyday things of making sure to take care of myself by eating and doing what’s in front of me, to the sometimes daunting tasks of keeping up with the daily grind to pay the bills and survive. It all has added up to some semblance of success for me.
There’s a saying, “For everything you have lost you have gained something else.” But back in the old days, all I did was lose, and lose, and lose again. If there was something that replaced it, I certainly didn’t gain anything because I lost it too, usually as fast as I could and I didn’t seem to care too much about it either, or at least I fooled myself into thinking I didn’t.
But in this new way of life I live, I don’t seem to truly lose anything. Each day, each experience, each new thing is something that is gained, and it has produced such a great and profound change in my soul. It’s priceless. So what do I have to lose nowadays? I guess I don’t even have an answer for that, because the way I look at it each day I get to sit here and share this with the universe. I’m a winner, and have gained not only everything I ever really wanted, but everything I needed in the first place.
“I feel like I’ve been locked up tight for a century, waiting for someone to release me.” – Christina Aguilera
If you’re wondering what tonight’s story has to do with my experiences today, let me cut to it with these three simple words: Alaska, winter, and ducks. Ok, can you figure out where I am going with this one? Yes, I am in the last frontier, somewhere near Canada, and it is getting a might chilly up here rather quickly. The temperature is actually in the low 60’s but you can feel a difference in the morning. It feels vaguely familiar, but snow in August? It can’t be, right?
I have been noticing that there has been an influx of duck meetings at the coffee shops around here, and then also seeing quite a few heading off in a Southerly direction for some reason. Alright, I know, they are not ducks, they are geese. But when they are loud, and seem to be going somewhere I am not, they all look like ducks to me.
The reality I am slowly facing is that even if I had a genie in a bottle, and did rub it the right way, I won’t be going with them this time around. I am locked in to the new and fresh experience of fall, then winter, in my new home here in Alaska. No sun tan lotion required for me. Maybe I should just wish for a snow bunny and call it good.
But it’s not quite over with yet, and I’m not living in some kind of Igloo, or tying the dogs together for my trip to the Walmart for milk and bread or anything. In fact, once the rain stops on Saturday there will still be plenty of summer like adventures to be had for me. Today I was even doing the daily brochures for the upcoming State Fair, and got to read all about it while I worked. Bonus! They have some cool bands, a petting zoo, some rides, a train, and all kinds of food, frolicking, and fun. Unless of course it rains, in which case the train ride might be enough for me.
It is coming, my friends, without a doubt. The daylight is even going somewhere else, 6 minutes at a time, every day, and that adds up to a lot less where I come from. At least I feel like I have some new things to focus on for a while, like furniture, a snow shovel, some kind of super thermal, heated to the point of burning my skin, long underwear, and oh yeah, I want one of those cool parka things. You know the ones right? It has the fur around the hood that makes it like a periscope when you are looking through it.
And what the heck are mukluks anyway? Is that some kind of new guy joke? Hey, Lance, did you get your mukluks yet? I saw them on sale at Sears. Uh-huh, like I’m going to ask the sales lady where those are…not.
You know what they always say: Be careful what you ask for, especially if you’re not specific when you ask for it. But, I hear that since I won’t be leaving anytime soon, the moose come down into the city during the fall to sign autographs, and discuss cooking tips for new guys. Oh, boy, the mind; It can create such vivid pictures, can’t it? And what would a continuing adventure be without a little of the unknown to look forward to once in a while?
“You can have it all, but still won’t be satisfied.” – Annie Lennox
Life and its pursuit of happiness…for me, tonight, I am reeling from the reality of the many different definitions of what that’s supposed to mean. I have spent years searching for it, that’s for sure. I have pursued it to the depths of my own personal hell and back, and then chased it right back, full circle, to that same place again, expecting it to be different this time. I have changed my list to be more like someone else’s list, thinking that if I had what they had, I would be happy too, because they obviously were. I have tried to find it through money, drugs, alcohol, women, hobbies, jobs, and the always sure fire thing: different environments.
But I always missed it; sometimes by just being too little too late, and sometimes I wasn’t even close when I started. When I hear of another celebrity, like Robin Williams, dying through his own hands, I think the path I finally discovered some 6 plus years ago seems to make more sense to where that happiness really comes from. I have experienced the fact that money can’t buy it a long time ago, and I already know that what came with the booze only lasted until I ran out of it, same as the drugs. After two divorces…well, we know that wasn’t the answer. The jobs you ask? No comment.
It has to come from within. A very vague, yet extremely defining statement, don’t you think? But what I think I have finally been able to interpret that as in my own life is just a simple thing of, “I can’t get it anywhere else if I am not right inside in the first place.” And more importantly the very definition of my happiness has to be just that; my own. When I look at someone else and think to myself, “Wow, they have it all,” I may be missing the point altogether. They may not truly have anything. Anymore I have to side with Annie when she sings about her answer, love.
Love: A four letter word that is ok to say…at least I hope it is. But it’s as deep of a word as any, and the happiness I see that comes from it matters more than all of the above. A love for a significant other, a love of what you do to earn that money, love of a child, a love for something that is found to be a calling, and the all-important love of life itself is something I can try to give it to someone else sure, but if they don’t accept the gift, then what?
To be free, it means that I have to give up searching for it in a nice, neatly wrapped present and also stay away from trying to force it to happen by my own hands. I have to have a blind faith and belief in it coming to me instead. I have to open up my eyes and ears and not only listen to what’s around me with intent, but also see that it is the simple things that contain all of the happiness over the long run. It builds up and creates the strongest foundation for the further pursuit of happiness you could ask for.
They say you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need. For me tonight, I say my all is all that I need and then some, no more searching required.
Thanks for reading,
Lance