All by Myself
There was a time in my life when I could not stand to be by myself. I always had to have something going on in my life. An event planned or a trip in the near future seemed to always be on the horizon. The last thing I wanted to be left alone with was that self-loathing voice in my head and my thoughts that seemed to be a continuous dreary scene of a vague existence.
I was once the life of the party… or so I thought. Surrounding myself with friends and acquaintances seemed to be the answer to my depression that loomed deep in my psyche. It didn’t seem to hit me until my late thirties. But some major life events happened that made me want to shut myself in and close myself off to the world. I enjoyed the solitude of being alone with nothing but drugs and alcohol as my closest companions.
Things happen in life; some good and unfortunately some bad. Through treatment and therapy, I have come to understand the events in my life that lead to my isolation. A traumatic incident led to the beginning of my silence alone. I blamed myself for this happening in my life for a long time. I put myself in that situation. Alcohol was involved. It was definitely my fault.
After that event, I only felt safe when I was alone. I felt the safety in the confines of my own environment, away from the world that could harm me. I didn’t trust people anymore. I was leery of being out in public in a place that I was unfamiliar with. I closed my social circles to only those people that made me feel safe and didn’t question or argue with my new lifestyle of solitude. I didn’t take chances. I limited my social contacts so I could not get hurt or feel hunted. Fear of the unknown and what could be often leads to isolation.
Today, I know it was not my fault. Today I have to stand strong and be active in life. Today I have to make an effort to confront this head on. Life is better when not lived in fear.
Another aspect of my life that led to isolation is a failed relationship…a relationship that was totally co-dependent and doomed from the start. I was the one in active addiction and the other person was the one in recovery. I was the one who had to hide my drinking and drug use from my partner while I secretly wondered if my drinks were, in turn, being counted. We both tried to make it work. I tried to be what was wanted and failed. I was not ready to admit and surrender to my addiction.
Looking back now, I cannot believe that I put that person in such a position to jeopardize their own sobriety. My disease was being selfish. But active addiction does not recognize your own faults. It only recognizes your perceived faults of others. The end of this relationship led to further isolation. Who would want to get to know and be in a relationship with an addict? I shut myself off to the confines of my home and dove deeper into my addiction for the next ten years.
When I finally got sober, I began to understand how isolation was detrimental to my recovery. Every day, I have to make a concentrated effort to put myself out there in society. It is not an easy task, but with every milestone and effort I make, my confidence grows. I recently faced a huge hurdle in my fear of the unknown. I went to a women’s treatment facility and talked about Heroes in Recovery and sobriety to 60 women. The next day, I worked the Heroes’ booth at a local 5K for mental illness. I got out there and met people and interacted with human beings and talked about addiction and mental health issues. It was a great weekend!
However, there are days that I find myself retreating back to my old ways and shutting myself off from others. On those days, I pray to my Higher Power and make a concentrated effort to do something productive and out of the norm from my everyday life.
Some things I have done that may also help you: go for a drive, go for a walk or exercise, find a new meeting you have never been to, call a friend in recovery that will hold you accountable… and if all else fails, call your sponsor! Life is too short to be miserable and alone. Put yourself out there and believe in the possibilities! It is something I have to do every day!
If you would like to share your story, there are two ways you can do it. You can contact me on Facebook at Bo Brown (Nashville, TN) or click on the submit your story link on the homepage. When you share your story, you are helping others break the stigma associated with mental health and addiction issues. Please feel free to share my story or leave a comment!
Much love,
Bo