Caretaker or Caregiver: Which Are You?
When we think about the two words “caretaker” and “caregiver,” most of us probably don’t think twice before using them interchangeably. But are they really the same? I don’t think so.
When a person is in need of care, whether it is due to a chronic medical condition, chemical dependency, or being rehabilitated from any illness, the person providing the care is referred to as the caregiver. It may be a family member, friend, or health professional. This caregiver provides comfort and support to another in a time of need. The care is given with kindness and compassion, coming from a place of love and with no expectation of getting something in return. A caregiver can trust and accept the patient’s place on his or her journey and will not try to change it.
A caretaker also provides help at time of need and can be a family member, friend or professional. A caretaker provides what he or she believes to be comfort and support from a place of what love means to them. The caretaker usually expects something in return and “gives to get,” says counselor Elizabeth Kupferman. A caretaker may try to change the outcome, not letting the patient’s journey take its natural course. To a caretaker, what he or she is doing is out of love, but there may be an underlying or subconscious motive of fear.
So why are they so different? Caregivers come from a place of emotional health. They take care of themselves and are secure with who they are. They are able to surrender to the situation and know that they are not in control. Caretakers may be just the opposite. They often have dysfunctional and codependent behaviors that have been learned over time and may not recognize them as unhealthy. They may not take care of their own emotional needs and could continue trying to control what is not theirs to control.
Being a caretaker or codependent is a condition that can be attached to the addict, family members or friends who are working through issues that are connected to the disease of addiction. Family and friends can find themselves in caretaker roles when the actions they choose to take prevent the addict from experiencing the consequences of the disease. What the family member is given in return is a temporary reprieve from his or her fears. Addicts, on the other hand, are the caretakers of their addictions. They protect and support the disease with denial. Loving it more than anything else, this allows them to continue to use without facing their fears of living without the drugs or alcohol.
How do you break the cycle of caretaker to become a truly loving caregiver of others and yourself? We have to turn our unhealthy behaviors into healthy ones. It takes the work of self-discovery with the help of others who have already found that healthier space to live in. I believe we all can do this if we have an open mind and a willingness to face our fears. We should trust and accept that we are not in control of others. If you are always the problem solver or fixer who is taking on life’s responsibilities that are not your own, you are spending time not loving yourself and you are keeping others from the opportunity to love themselves. By giving yourself the time to learn new healthy behaviors, you will find a love and respect for yourself that will translate into being able to be a true caregiver. You will support others and let them live out their own journeys and change their own behaviors and you will love watching it happen.