Grace Through Transition
We spend our time here on earth learning how to live and some say you can’t live until you accept that you will also experience death. I can honestly say I have learned to live and I am aware I am never promised tomorrow. Although, I do hope to have one more day here on earth so I can continue to help others and live in a world that is waking up to the reality of addiction. With being given the gift of another breath I will use my time here wisely. Expanding my consciousness to allow outdated patterns to rest so new ones can emerge. You see, I have been focusing on growth and strength for a while now. I can tell you for a fact I don’t know too much, but I know enough to say I will always remain to be teachable. I will never have all the answers and today I have acceptance around this. A couple years back it really bothered me to have a lot of questions unanswered, but I seem to live my way into them.
I feared not knowing what was to come. I projected into the future not giving it a chance to catch up. It kept me tight in a ball of heavy energy for far too long. I see now it happened exactly as it was supposed to for me. As I was going through these tough pockets of life, I sure did not see it as a blessing that came to me. All the work I have taken the time to do on myself has allowed me to truly admire the unexpected path.
I took the leap into Recovery without knowing minutes before that was going to be a life choice I was going to make. Something led me to that place, that quantum second where I gave into healing. I feel startling reminders that I am completely vulnerable. The illusion of control has shifted to receiving lessons about life on life’s terms. Self-awareness has been such an awe-inspiring process. I have dealt with my pain body. All the hurt and heaviness I never processed rose to the surface and I approached it head on day after day.
I was always afraid I was not going to amount to anything. I talked down on myself a lot. I got my self-confidence down so low I lost myself in others, forgetting that I was my own person and had so much to offer. There again a split second of time helped me to see how much I mattered and I was worth taking the steps to an even brighter future.
My Nana worried about me through the years. During this time I did not know the negative impact I was causing in her life. I will never fully understand what that was like. I can tell you what it has been like being fully present the last 7 years. I have been able to share sober birthdays, graduations, ribbon cutting ceremonies, recovery rallies, AA meetings, holidays, and in-depth conversations about making a difference in someone else’s life. All my many hopes for my future and what I want to accomplish in the community. She got to see me choose a more fulfilling path instead of the one I had previously decided to walk down. She fully supported my recovery and showed this support up until she no longer spoke. Words can’t describe how much that means to me. She always believed in me and what I was capable of in this life. It just took some time for me to come around and see it for myself.
As she made her exit from this world into spirit, everything I have ever learned became the very tools to accept she was transitioning to a new home. My whole family spent time in the hospital in the final days of her life. We celebrated her life for 2 weeks. She moved from the ICU into Hospice and in the last hours of her life we were able to move her into her house in East Charlotte. Friends and family surrounded her until her very last breath. Recovery gave me the gift to be fully present through the grace of her passing. I know she is in a better place. She spent her life making a difference. Showing all of us what one person is capable of in this world. I knelt by her bed and felt one of the strongest presences I will ever feel in my life. It swooped in so fast and rushed through my whole entire body. It was a very inviting feeling. I knew the time had come and I told everyone in the room what had happened to me. We prayed and sang “Be Not Afraid” as she slowly slipped into Heaven.
Thank you for continuing to read my blog. Also, please check out my other fellow advocates’ blogs! Heroes in Recovery is a movement designed to break the stigma associated with addiction and mental health. We do many things to support this mission including asking people to share their recovery stories with us. We also host various events around the country including our Heroes in Recovery 6k run/walk series. These focus on working with communities to raise awareness and break the stigma and motivating others to get involved.
You can visit Heroes in Recovery or reach out to me on Facebook and I can personally help you get started.
Godspeed,
Hillary