Grow, Don’t Compare
If I look back on my life and compare myself with my 25-year-old self, I usually come up with some self-esteem smashing results. My skin is not so firm and clear anymore, I don’t have the energy I used to have, my figure is not as flawless anymore, I’m missing some drive I used to have, and I need a knee replacement. Internal or external, my comparison does not make me look so good at age 47 today. If I do this comparison, I’m missing out on my knowledge today, my life experience, my stability, my inner peace and a lot more that came with age and life– but is not quite as obvious when you compare by looking in a mirror of self in time. As a result, I end up in despair about getting older, my self-esteem gets a nervous breakdown and I am not be the first one looking for the fountain of youth to reverse some changes of time.
Comparing myself to others has about the same effect. Nobody is at the same point in life, started out the same way or went the same path– so we can’t compare ourselves to others. My growth is personal; so is yours. If my business is doing well, but the business of someone in a nearby city is doing much better, it’s hard not to compare and start feeling envy. Why is he doing better? What do I do wrong? Nothing! He just had totally different conditions for his business than I had. Do the best for your situation, his concept might not have worked at all for your business, don’t attempt to copy.
Self-evaluation is a tool often used in recovery. I need to know who I am and where I stand in order to grow and get better. If this turns toward social comparison, it can be a serious cause for despair and depression. Nobody really enters the recovery process on a winning streak, most people have lost a lot and have to start new or nearly new. Social comparison to someone around me can never be a positive venture. My road to happiness might be a totally different one than one others took. My results will certainly be different too.
Online social networks are a very dangerous environment to fall in the comparison trap. People tend to post their happy days, great achievements, gorgeous smiles and sandy beach vacations. Seldom you see tears, tragic moments, unsuccessful days or mishaps. If I feel crappy today and look in all the online faces with beautiful smiles, pictures of peaches and cream, my self-esteem is ready to dig a hole in the basement and hide in it. I’m in a process of comparing my inside to other people’s outside. They might feel bad too, but they put a mask on and post a bit of happy world for others to see. If I don’t make myself totally aware of this, I might end up in a depression.
The other day, I read a very interesting article about the “Contender Syndrome”, which is the feeling that you are not living to your full potential. The article stated that the feeling of not reaching your full potential comes from a discrepancy between the “actual self” (who you are), the “ideal self” (who you’d like to be), and the “ought self” (who you think others want you to be). If my actual self is not in line with my visions, I feel that I lack some of my potential. Depending where I set the expectations for my ideal self,I can’t win, no matter what I do. But I believe that real work on self can switch a contender into a victor. If I can’t change my actual self, I need to work on my ideal and ought selves to find inner peace.
Comparison is a big problem for me, personally. I’m an over-achiever, always on the lookout to be a little better than others around me. That is how I was raised. It can be draining. Today, I try today to make peace with myself and my accomplishments. Personal growth is not measured in how well I do compared to others, but only how well I do compared to yesterday. I can’t go back in time, either, so I need to sit up straight, be proud of my life, my age and my performances. My “ideal self” needs to be rational, my goals reachable, my visions doable and I need to stay away from comparing myself to others. Knowing my strength, my talents, but recognizing my limits as well let me grow in a healthy way. It’s overall progress, not perfection.
We do recover.
Susanne Johnson