Helping Others Is My Passion
The other day, my son passed the two-and-a-half-year mark in his recovery. I know it sounds cliché, but there aren’t enough words in the English language to tell you how proud I am of him. His journey to recovery was long, and it had many turns. But he has stayed the course and is living a life I could only hope for him a few years ago.
I give my son all the credit for the success he’s had over the last 30 months. Sure, my wife and I were supportive and did certain things that may have helped point our son in the right direction. But the bottom line is that he decided for himself that it was time to get clean. It didn’t matter what my wife and I wanted. Our son had to want it. And after about eight years, he finally did.
Those eight years were no fun for any of us. When you have an addicted child, the whole family suffers, because it’s a family disease. When you’re thrown into the role of “parent of an addict,” your head spins and you feel like you’re living a nightmare. But you have to find ways to cope. There is no “pause” button in life. You have to soldier on and do the best you can. You have to learn about addiction and become an amateur psychologist. You’re very often left wondering, “What do I do now?”
If you keep the right attitude, educate yourself, and practice self-care, things get more manageable. They don’t get easier; you just learn how to deal with them better. Experience, while painful, is incredibly valuable.
Since I started advocating for recovery several years ago, I have tried to do all I can to help break the stigma associated with addiction and mental illness, and to help others going through what my wife and I went through. I write a personal blog about my son’s addiction; I work with organizations like Heroes in Recovery and the Partnership for Drug-Free Kids; I contribute to the Huffington Post and other websites; and I speak to groups. I don’t do it because I feel obligated. And Lord knows I don’t do it for the money. I do it because I’m passionate about it.
One thing that has become a pretty normal part of my life recently is having other parents reach out to me for help. Maybe they’ve read my blog, or saw me post something on Facebook, or saw my byline on something I wrote somewhere else, and they reach out to me. It’s not because they think I have a magic wand or something. (Trust me: When it comes to addiction, no one has such a device). They just want to make a connection with someone who knows how they’re feeling.
When my wife and I first started dealing with our son’s addiction, we had absolutely no clue what we were doing. We didn’t know where to turn to or what resources to consult. We felt isolated and alone. Thankfully, we eventually found others who were similarly struggling. Al-Anon and Nar-Anon meetings helped, for sure. But I think we still were lacking that very personal connection. Someone we could share with and vent to one-on-one. Someone who understood exactly how we were struggling.
I think that’s why people contact me. They’re not necessarily looking for answers. They’re looking for compassion, empathy, and, quite simply, someone to listen. And I do listen. And I write back. Sometimes we even end up having phone conversations.
One thing I refrain from, though, is telling these people what they should do.
First of all, I am not a professional. I’m just a dad who’s gone through his son’s addiction. Like I said earlier, my son’s success is all his. I don’t believe he got clean because of any one thing my wife or I did.
Secondly, there is no “one size fits all” when it comes to recovery. What works for one person doesn’t necessarily work for someone else. I believe a person’s road to recovery is just like their fingerprints: It’s unique to that specific individual.
I can’t fix anybody’s problems, but I feel like I can offer hope. Hope that what someone’s child or loved one is experiencing isn’t necessarily going to last forever. And hope that recovery can and does happen.
Ten years ago, when my son’s addiction first started, I was lost. I felt like the bottom had fallen out of my life and I had no hope whatsoever. So if I can help make someone feel just a tiny bit better about their situation, or just a little more comfortable in their own skin, then everything I’ve gone through is totally worth it. They feel better. I feel better. It’s a win-win.
The other day, just a few days after my son’s 2.5-year milestone, someone sent me a friend request on Facebook. It was someone I didn’t know. In fact, we didn’t have a single mutual friend. But I accepted their request anyway. A little while later, they posted this on my timeline:
Thank you Dean for accepting my friend request. I was reading one of your blogs and it hit close to home and yet opened my eyes to a new process of thought on substance abuse and depression affecting a family member. For the first time in a long time I felt a sense of peace and understanding. Thank you.
That post is exactly why I keep doing what I do. And why I’ll continue to do it as long as I am able.
If you are in recovery, or if you have a loved one who is in recovery, please consider sharing your story on the Heroes in Recovery website. By sharing, you can do your part to help BREAK THE STIGMA.
You can share your story in one of two ways:
1.) Go to the Heroes in Recovery page, share your story directly, and let them know Dean sent you.
2.) Contact me on Facebook (Dean Dauphinais) and I can help you through the process. Or we can talk on the phone and I can help you write your story.
Also, please feel free to share this blog or leave a comment below. I’d love to hear any feedback you might have.
Peace.
–Dean