Holidays – One at a Time
Jingle bells, jingle bells, the holidays are here. If it is Thanksgiving or Christmas, it’s most likely a drastic change to your usual daily routine. The most feared time for people new in recovery are the upcoming holidays, since it’s time to leave the lovely comfort zone of recovery habits and schedules and go out into the uncomfortable world of human beings who still drink. If triggers are still an issue, now is the time where an alcoholic and addict get the double-whammy from all directions. Nothing is better than to be prepared and face the things that are coming at them, through the chimney or out of a pumpkin, on a solid ground of recovery and with a wide variety of tools to withstand them. Remember, you built a strong foundation, but don’t let the earthquake reach a magnitude it can’t handle. Be mindful and honest to yourself about what is good and what isn’t.
Not all that comes through the door on Christmas is as welcome as Santa Claus with his bag of gifts and his laugh of, “Ho, ho, ho.” Sometimes it’s more of an, “Oh, oh, oh my…” Especially at the first sober Thanksgiving and Christmas. Too often we have to say hello to extended family who have no idea about our newfound sober life. There are also many lost friends from your using and drinking days who remember that there was that one special person they liked to get wasted with instead of celebrating a nice Christmas; you. Here are some ways you can protect yourself during the holidays:
First rule of all: Plan it well. Only if we have a detailed plan of action for the holidays in our Santa Claus sack can we reduce unwished surprises. Never let your guard down; protect your recovery.
Where? If family invites you it is preferable that they know about your recent sobriety and that you have all intentions to keep it, since you spent a lot of time, effort and money on it. Besides, it doesn’t hurt to remind family of the fact that even a tinsel town tiny glass of bourbon-eggnog might send you right back to where you were. It’s not worth it. Visit the family if they can agree to make this Christmas an alcohol and drug free one. If this is a burden or an inconvenience they are not willing to do for you, you really don’t need to go there anyway for the days of love. If for the family alcohol plays a major role and you still don’t want to be at Christmas without them, make up a certain time period with them to be alcohol free and only attend for this time frame. Then you can leave and do something better instead. But remember not to demand an alcohol-free environment. It’s you that has the problem, not them. You need to adjust life, not them. So if, for example, your parents invite you but there is definitely alcohol served, why not visit another family member where you know it’ll be a sober place? Or ask your family if it’s okay to bring a friend and take another person who is in recovery with you, preferably someone with a longer and more stable sobriety. How about inviting your sponsor, if he or she is available?
When? Depending on friends and family, it’s generally recommended to celebrate with them in the daytime hours and skip the evening get-togethers. It’s usually more unlikely to find half of the family with a glass of red wine on Christmas morning.
Why tell? Only a family who understands your recovery is able to support it. If you don’t tell your family, including uncles and cousins, what’s been going on since they saw you last Christmas, you may end up with a bottle of your favorite bourbon under the Christmas tree, which leads to unnecessary and uncomfortable situations.
What about friends? A lot of the friends you might see during the holidays have either a problem with visiting their own family, want someone to drink with, or need a shoulder to cry on in depression mode. In a young recovery you’ll do better avoiding those situations and staying with people enjoying and living a relatively normal and balanced life. If you can’t or won’t visit your family and don’t want to be alone, invite some friends of your fellowship for a sober turkey, you will be amazed how many have the same problem.
Holiday parties? In the first year a company holiday party is a no-go-zone. Some even need longer until they are able to face a bunch of weirdly behaving coworkers, sitting together, singing karaoke and raiding the free bar. A company holiday party is usually worse than any bar in town, and I strongly advise you to find something else to do that day. If you think you can handle it and your co-workers know about your recovery, you might end up as the late night designated driver, which is also not the reason why you got sober and is reason enough to stay away.
How to react? You thought you had it all prepared and show up to the family gathering, which was supposed to be alcohol- and drug-free, when suddenly Uncle Bill brings out the flask after the turkey is stripped to its bones and offers you a drink. Your best response is to firmly say, “No, thank you.” Always remember that we don’t need to give anyone explanations why we don’t drink. Giving an explanation only leads someone to suggest ways around like, “You have to drive? But one won’t hurt.” Or, “You are not feeling well? Here, have an aspirin AND a drink.” It’s best to say, “No, thank you, I don’t want to drink.” If that flask is going around it’s time for you to go to your car and find your way home.
I give the party, now what? If your family is expecting you to be the host, they should understand your reasons for not doing it for a year. The last thing someone in new recovery wants is the enormous stress that comes with hosting a multi-family event that may be accompanied with the overnight stay of distant relatives. No! If it’s a celebration in a smaller setting, you are the host and you make the rules. There is no alcohol in the house and there are no drugs to be consumed! Period! No exclusions, no BYOB, nada, nothing. Make a detailed plan of things that need to be done, step by step, so it never, ever gets overwhelming. I personally made a really exact timetable of when I had to decorate the table, when to start the turkey, when to chill the soft drinks and I marked the tasks off when they are done. Get your family to help you, you don’t have to do it alone. Asking for help is okay today.
Alcohol in the food? Even if alcohol is boiled, as in sauces, or baked, as in desserts, there is still enough of it left to trigger a craving. Do not cook with alcohol, especially not in the first years of sobriety. A trace of alcohol in a cake might not kick you over the edge after some years, but you are very vulnerable in the beginning. When in doubt, don’t touch. Also pay attention to the labels of ingredients you use or side dishes someone brings. Do not expect that everyone remembers to stay alcohol-free, remind them. You are responsible for your sobriety, not them.
Don’t forget that your sobriety is your best gift. You may be able to get it only once, no one knows if you’ll make it over that hurdle again if you relapse. Don’t count on it. Keep your sobriety safe and sacred. Treat it like a precious glass statue and take good care of it. If you feel RID (Restless, Irritable or Discontent) go to a meeting. Yes, they are open on Christmas as well. Get RID of those feelings right away. Call your sponsor every day, or several times a day if you need to. Have spare phone numbers of other addicts or alcoholics handy as well. Pin them on your fridge. If you feel bored, go to a meeting and invite friends over. Or plan this in advance and make a game-evening with others in recovery. You will be amazed how much fun you will have.
People with any kind of mental illness, please be sure you don’t run out of your prescription medication. Visit your doctor early to order refills, if needed. If you do run into a depression, get out and get moving. Don’t fall into the eat-TV-sleep-repeat cycle. Fresh air, other people and exercise will help. Call friends in recovery and ask for help. Don’t sit in front of your TV or computer all the time and look at the warm and fuzzy shows of family out there if you don’t get it this year. Think in advance of a project that you could do over the holidays if you are off work and home by yourself. Doesn’t the bedroom need a new paint job? Or how about a building project or other hobby?
Please share this article with people you know in recovery by either copying the link or using the social media buttons below. Share it in your group on Facebook or print it and give it to someone who might need it. Pass it around and maybe add, “What are you doing this holiday? Shall we get together?” I hope it helps some people safely get through the days. With the right preparation and a good plan, your first sober Thanksgiving and Christmas will be a nice one. You know why? Because you are not in jail! Because you don’t start a fight with each family member! Because you will remember it! And this is a wonderful feeling, I promise you!
Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas! We do recover.
Susanne Johnson