I Know Now, What I Thought I Knew Then
I have to dig deep to remember what it was like when I was in the early stages of my addiction. First and foremost I felt invincible. Nothing bad would ever happen to me because that happens to other people. I also believed that magically I would just end up successful. I had no cares, no responsibility and I really lived to have a good time. Having a full social calendar was my life along with some work to support my habit. I never wanted to be around my family, felt they did not understand me. I began to depend on my using friends to fill that void. My life started to revolve around these behaviors. My irrational thought process took over from this point on. I lived my life by convincing myself this was a better reality.
I felt empowered by the fact I could choose to get messed up when I wanted to. No one was the boss of me and I could make my own decisions regarding these choices. I knew that most of the things I was doing were against my family and close friend’s wishes for me. I figured what I was doing was dangerous but truly liked the idea of living life on the edge.
I acquired a taste for being the bad girl doing forbidden things. At the beginning it felt like it was just going to be a fun ride.
The interest I had in following my gut reaction or how I was truly feeling went away. The whole point of my existence was to do what I wanted to do, period. No regards for how my actions would affect those around me. Not to mention, how my actions could potentially cause permanent damage to my body, mind or someone else.
I began to lose my self-worth; since I was treating myself bad it attracted other people that would not treat me well. I believed that for some reason this is what I deserved. I never felt good enough, often times depressed and then putting on a show for the world to see. I was always an actor on stage, ready for the next scene change.
With everything I have learned in recovery, the first thing that came back was how irrational my choices had been during my using days. Even into recovery when I battled issues of severe codependency. I got help! Whereas before doing everything on my own was the answer. I realized I lacked control and had to trust that a power outside of me could help. For me I have always believed in God, but I rekindled our relationship. Life is a lot easier when you accept help from others. I went to treatment, different recovery outlets and codependency outlets. I also began to have regular visits with a counselor.
We live in a society where we are taught, if you cry you are weak. If you ask for help it is a sign of weakness. Do things on your own; it declares independence. The truth is it is good to cry, it actually helps us deal with our raw emotions. When we keep negative emotions bottled up and suppressed they can potentially cause our bodies physical ailment. It can also drain our bodies of positive energy. Even causing the anger to build up over a period of time, ending in some type of drastic measure. Doing things with other people makes us stronger! Asking for help is a sign of open-mindedness. Having the willingness to change what does not work and accept something that can empower our lives, it has for me! Taking someone else’s suggestions especially if the way we are doing things is ending in the same results over and over again can break the cycle. Consequences that are causing us more pain then happiness don’t have to continue.
We don’t have to live in the problem. The great news is there is a solution to it. If we truly want to be sober it is possible. If you are anything like me, failure will sound all too commonplace. Often times getting the natural inclination “not again, it has to get better”, does this sound familiar? But there comes a time in our lives where we think, “I no longer want to live this way”. No matter what anyone else says, none of that matters until we accept our own personal truths. The philosophy shifted for me; when I wanted to live in active addiction, I did. Now, I choose not to live in active addiction, I don’t.
Recovery does happen! I am an example of this fact. I will always be recovering. My addiction will never go away. It is ingrained in my genetics and behavior patterns. Today we can use it as an asset. Therefore the disease is no longer a crutch but a pathway to make a difference. BREAK THE STIGMA.
The greatest difference in my life is recognizing the little things. No longer taking things for granted. The fact I get to wake up another morning is not promised. I have another chance to get out there and do something for someone else. Another day to really get to know myself, find out what interests me and pick up new hobbies. I get to wake up with a gift that is better than my wildest dreams. One so precious, it has the potential to help someone else realize the beauty within this illness.
Heroes in Recovery is an outlet we can use for our healing process. We have such a dynamic and creative website, take a second and check it out. Please contact me, I can help you share your story. You can also share your own story as well. My story is under Hillary B if anyone would like to take a gander. Also I would love to hear feedback. Please leave comments below.