Now What
Almost every person with the disease of addiction to any substance or alcohol eventually reaches a point in life where he asks himself the most important question for his future. He thinks, “I am an alcoholic and like me there have been millions of others who have sat in a bar, at home, in a restaurant, in a dirty bathroom or anywhere at a given moment in front of a glass, a joint, a line or a fix and looked at it thinking: ‘If I drink this now, I will die. If I don’t drink it, I can’t live. Now what?’”
If this somehow sounds familiar to you, you can replace the word “drink” with a word for any other drug of choice. You are not alone in this question, so there is no need to feel isolated or abandoned. You belong to an unbelievably huge group of people who has asked this question before. We don’t actually want to die but we don’t want this drama of life anymore either. Needless to say, we think that we can’t be alive without a drink. That is what our addiction tells us. It is time for a turning point in life.
I came across this question as my doctor told me that I had to stop drinking and drugging or I would die. My brain didn’t want to process the word “stop” and therefore I went home like a sick puppy. I was hopeless, faithless and had no solution in sight. My husband asked me, “What did the doctor say?” And my brain said, “I have to die!” The idea of stopping drinking and drugging was somehow not an option that I could understand. But I didn’t want to die so I fell into depression and pity and I was totally helpless and desperate.
Then I remembered that stopping was actually an option for me. So here came the question of “Now what?” Is a life worth living without drinks? I couldn’t imagine. I couldn’t imagine that I was able to stop. I couldn’t imagine that I could stay stopped for a period of more than two weeks. I couldn’t imagine ever smiling again without a drink in my life.
At this point, I was somehow against 12-step meetings. Today, I love them like nothing else. Some people mentioned them to me over the years again and all I had to say was, “Been there, done that and forget it.” But I was just not ready for it and felt, as always in my life, that I wouldn’t fit in. It was not that the program didn’t work. It was that I didn’t work right at that given time. I felt like I was on The Biggest Loser show but didn’t have the weight problems of the contestants. I wanted to learn how to stay away from alcohol but I didn’t get the concept of surrendering. I wanted a recipe for a cure. Where was the magic wand that somebody could wave above my head and end my misery?
Not much made any sense to me, and I just sat there thinking, “Let this hour pass. I want OUT of here!” Needless to say, I usually stopped at the liquor store on the way home. I didn’t want other people’s phone numbers. I didn’t see the point of talking to them. I didn’t like them, so why should I call them. I didn’t want a sponsor since I never liked anybody telling me what to do in my life, let alone one of THOSE people. I was full to the top of my head with ideas about how to apply the steps into my life. I thought, “I’m powerless over alcohol, so I will only drink one drink per day from now on, no matter what!” The problem was in my head, but I never got to see it. I was not ready for 12-step meetings. I went to less than 20 meetings in total and I wondered why I wasn’t cured. I never made it over eight days sober before I gave up. I asked, “Now what?” and started drinking again. I thank God that I am ready for meetings now and that somebody told me to keep coming back.
I went to a therapist. A therapist is sure a good thing, but it didn’t help me with my alcoholism. He found my dreams very interesting and wrote them down. He even tried to hypnotize me, but this did not bring me a single step away from the bottle. I went out of the session, into my car, into my home and had a drink. It clearly didn’t work. Did I expect anything different? I don’t know but I was open, willing and honestly trying. I just did not understand the entire concept of disease. After that, all was a failure and did not get me away from drinks. That question was there again asking, “Now what?” I’d always been a little bouncy in my life until this point. If you ever wrote your thank you speech for an outstanding award and your funeral plans in the same afternoon, welcome to the club!
This time, I bounced back into depression and hopelessness. But after several weeks in this state of spiritual emergency, I somehow received guidance from somewhere and opened my laptop to search for the words “recovery” and “rehab.” You might have done that same thing before you came here to this page. I found a page like this with a phone number for help and something deep inside me gave me an answer to my question “Now what?” And it said, “Dial it, stupid! It doesn’t hurt to get information on what others do for help!”
I picked up my phone, dialed the number and got connected to somebody who was very patient with me for several hours on the phone. The answer really didn’t matter, but he listened anyway. I stopped crying and some hours later a plane ticket was booked in my name to a treatment center. This ticket was the answer to my question. There are several answers, but that was the one that fit me. I was very sick and needed medical supervision, which I got there.
The question of “Now what?” could not be answered on my own. I had to have somebody at the other side of the phone line who took the time to listen, checked for my benefits and booked my ticket for me. He answered the question for me because I was unable to find an answer. This question is not really rocket science, but an addict or alcoholic sometimes needs someone to make that decision for him. As the decision was made for me, I didn’t like it at first. But I was willing to give it a try. This willingness was the beginning of my new life. This man on the other side of the phone line saved my life in answering this question of “Now what?” He took the decision out of my hands.
I cannot adequately express my gratitude towards this guy on the helpline that I called. I might be a Hero in Recovery now but I had a superhero at my side walking through this first decision together with me. We decided together that a treatment center further away from my home would be best for me. I had a history of leaving from hospitals when my cravings set in. I was afraid that I would give up too easily and head home to my comfort zone and to my alcohol. I needed to be away from home, far enough that I can’t just take a bus. I went to California for my treatment and that was just perfect for me. It gave me enough physical and mental distance from my old life to go for a new start.
If you struggle with the question of “Now what?” at any point in your addiction or alcoholism, maybe it is time for you also to get help from somebody who can show you some answers. The decision is still yours, but it is great to learn about options. The man who answered the question “Now what?” for me is now a great friend of mine. I visited him a year after I got sober to thank him for showing me my options and finally making this decision for me, since I couldn’t. I am sure that you find someone on the helpline who will do the same for you! Be a Hero in Recovery and call for help. The call doesn’t hurt. The consequences of the decision to get sober may hurt for a short while, but the awards are amazing and so rewarding. It is worth everything!
If you already are a Hero in Recovery, please share your story with us here to show how you did it. Maybe others will follow your path. This is so simple and such a major part of helping others. Your story helps others to make decisions and to find an answer to their “Now what?” questions.
I learned the concept of listening. I listen to other people, the words of the program and especially my higher power to find the answers to my questions in life. I don’t always get an answer, but the miracle happens and I feel the guidance towards the right direction.