- Alcohol
- Drugs
- Faith
I have been on the path of addiction for many years. I have been an alcoholic since the age of 11. I had been around my mother and saw and did things I was not supposed to at my young age. This is the first time I have gotten serious about my recovery. I have been steadfast in my recovery so far, and as of April 1, 2014, I was nine months clean and sober.
The biggest positive change came from geographical relocation. My intensive recovery program offered the support and structure I needed. Meeting positive people and doing the next right thing has given me such joy. It has lifted my self-esteem and given me the courage to step out on faith.
I used to play around with suicide to get attention. I was an isolator. When I actually wanted to kill myself, I got very scared. I felt worthless, and I had so much pain. I did not even think I was worthy enough to be alive. Why, God? Why am I here? I blamed God for all the misery and pain. I felt like I could not hold on to life. All my relationships were negative relationships. Everyone knew me as the town drunk. I spent 45 years in the same place, doing nothing with my life. I was in unstructured recovery homes. They weren’t working. I could not build any type of foundation near home. I lived in four different states and gained my clarity when I moved most recently.
I am proud that I finally have insight and clarity. I have a purpose. I am excited to be accomplishing many things. I am meeting my goals. I am happy I am making something out of my life. I can talk to people intelligently. I tell the truth. I speak more clearly. I also like to share what I am going through with other people. If I let it fester, I feel it in my stomach. I don’t procrastinate. I want to leave a legacy. I don’t want to have people say I died in my active addiction. I want to help people and pull them out. No one ever taught me good habits. I was taught how to drink. My mother was verbally abusive and cut me down like a knife. I never knew my father, and I had a lot of men telling me they weren’t my fathers. People would make fun of me because I did not have a daddy. The only place that was happy for me was in my dreams. I wanted to live in that happy place.
Relationships are one of my biggest struggles. I like younger men because I want to be everything to them. I was always promiscuous and had a lot of STDs. I had all of them. I contracted HIV and was diagnosed on February 20, 2010. When the doctor told me I was positive, I already knew and was not surprised. My lifestyle is what brought on my HIV. I have stopped having relationships with men so I can work on myself. I have surrendered my phone to keep myself out of trouble. I have to love myself before I can love other people. I go out of the way for men before I go out of the way for myself.
I am working on my goals right now. I have been helping raise awareness through peer support. I want to help those dealing with early addiction, help them to not go as far into the disease. I would like to go into counseling and maybe become a substance abuse counselor. I want to go into a field where I can use my experience. I want to help people find victory like I did. I love myself today. I would have given up by now if I had not moved and gotten help. Now I am able to discuss what I want in life. I get to talk about my recovery and the fact I am alcoholic, HIV positive and a drug addict. I am still dealing with, “Why?” I am still dealing with issues related to my use.
I have learned, “Keep it simple.” I can do it, “One day at a time.” Be true to thyself. Don’t pick up no matter what! Keep God first. I surrendered to the fact I am an alcoholic/addict living with HIV. Today I am okay with these facts. I may have these things, but they do not have my life or me. It is a life sentence but not a death sentence. I want to give away something that was freely given to me.
Stay focused! Keep the focus on you. If you want it, work on it. If you want it, you can do it! Stay positive. Realize that you are powerless, and believe that a power greater than yourself can give you a life you have never dreamed of.