- Drugs
I was 6 years clean the first week of December 2013, and I am going to be 54 this August!
My drug of choice was crack cocaine. I was an addict, enabler, co-dependent and follower. It started with my late ex-wife and children’s mother. She became an addict, an alcoholic, a prostitute and homeless, and she was found dead a few years back after being drunk and beaten. Her lifeless body was thrown down the outside stairs of the motel where she lived. They couldn’t even pin it on anyone, as everyone around at the time was drunk.
Her brother lived with us and got us started. He told us it was going to mess up our lives but that he could handle it. Right, that’s why he has been in prison for about ten years now and has ten more to go. His sentence wasn’t entirely due to drug use, but drugs and alcohol played a big part in what happened to him. He played the games we all play. I was setting up things in my children’s names, because mine was so messed up. I was lying, cheating, stealing, embezzling and doing whatever else it took to get high. There would be empty cupboards and nothing but ice and water in the fridge at times, and I was dealing with the constant depression and everything that came with it.
I have been with my current girlfriend for 13 years. She is 44, and she is now a recovering addict as well. I wasn’t going to let addiction keep happening to her. We have a son together who was adopted out at age one, but we are hoping now to meet him soon, and we have lots of pictures and even a video of him talking to us. We have ten grandchildren and four other children between us, and we are helping some of them now despite losing all respect from them as well as our own self-respect.
My daughter was an addict and had alcohol problems as well. She was in foster care, until she was 18. I had always told her I couldn’t help her, until I could help myself. To this day she understands and respects me for that honesty. I am in some ways grateful, because, if it didn’t happen to me, I may not have been able to help her, my girlfriend or others. My daughter is doing well now, and she is married and has a family of her own.
Not long ago we lived with and took care of a retired drug therapist. She taught me a lot, and she finally got me to stop playing games. God put us together to help each other, and I really don’t know if I would be alive today, if I hadn’t had her in my life.
I have a lot on my plate, but it’s all part of my plan for recovery. My plan is to be busy and take on as much as I can, leaving no time to even consider getting high. I now have Internet businesses, websites and groups with members from around the world. I have used these as an outlet for helping others and for my own therapy. I went back to college to become a certified computer support technician for my computer business, and maybe someday I may even make some money.
I had a different life before addiction. I had a real life, and I lost it all over and over again. I learned more about people and addictions than any school could ever teach. The day I stopped, I made a vow to myself to get my life back ten times over.
Much of my recovery included intensive outpatient therapy and counseling. It took years, before I stopped using. It took years to take hold, and it took me creating a life that would not allow me to go backwards, even if I wanted to. I was a functioning addict, since I almost always had a place and job, but I also lost many because of drugs. Today I am stronger than I have ever been in my life, and I know there is nothing I can’t do. I have gained more respect than I ever had before.
There are no excuses for what we do or have done. It doesn’t even matter if addiction is genetic. There were and will always be choices, and God gave us the ability to make those choices. The choice is yours to live or die, and I know my recovery will never end for the rest of my life.
I once had a counselor who told me, if we spent even a fraction of the time and effort we make messing our lives up making them right, life would be a piece of cake. I’m not rich by any means, other than rich with life. I still drive an old ’92 Saturn and have to work to pay bills. I am also not really that religious, although I was raised Catholic. I know God played a part in all of this and always will, but He cannot be the one to do it. He will give your strength and ability, but recovery is up to you. There were many times I faced death and imprisonment, but by the grace of God I was spared, since he clearly had other plans for me.
I was once told by my probation officer that only 1 in 10,000 ever gets out of addiction forever, and I intend to be that 1. Support groups and counseling teach us that there are only three choices: death, institution or life. You decide, but never give up, no matter how long it takes or how hard it gets. When it is over, you will experience things you have never experienced.
I’m certainly looking forward to it!
Alan