- Alcohol
- Faith
- Friends & Family
- Mental Health
“You’re not good enough!” “Things will never get better!” “It’s hopeless!” These are just a few of the voices of bipolar disorder that have been living inside my head ever since I was a teenager when this illness decided to show up. However, on a day that has been etched into my mind forever, when I was 15 years old lying in bed contemplating suicide, I heard another voice whisper, “One day you will share your story.” I thought it absurd a thought like that would just pop into my head at such a desperate time, yet over the years I have heard it more frequently and loudly. I find it nothing short of miraculous that here I am 30 years later doing exactly what that voice first assured me of so long ago.
Without a doubt I know it was God carrying me through this battle, teaching me that my struggles would one day provide hope to others. So many times I’ve wanted to give up. There have been lows filled with despair seemingly lasting forever when I’ve wanted nothing more than to die. Painful mixed states involving a tug of war within my mind would become more frequent, switching to mania and nights of sleeplessness knowing at any moment the bottom could drop out once again. I have been fairly stable for a few years and after countless hours of therapy, endless trials with different pharmaceutical cocktails, numerous hospitalizations and leaves of absences from my teaching job, I can finally say I accept living with this diagnosis. I see moments where God has clearly saved me when I’ve called out to Him in desperation. He’s given me strength and courage to speak out in order to help others by blogging as well as sharing my story with struggling teens. The moment I put my complete trust in God, even though it did not seem to make sense, doors began to open. My life changed when my purpose became clear.
Despite my illness I have been able to accomplish things my 15 year old self would have never thought possible. I have overcome an eating disorder and alcoholism, both of which I turned to for coping with my bipolar. I am currently in my eighteenth year teaching elementary school where my experience with mental illness has given me more insight and compassion for my students. I have an amazingly supportive family consisting of my husband and two boys with whom I travel the country every summer in our RV. Whereas at one point I could never imagine seeing past the darkness and fog of the pit, I now truly appreciate experiencing all the beauty this world has to offer.
As a family we organize concerts to benefit our community in various ways and we bring anti-bullying assemblies, which my husband and I wrote and are performed by our 11 and 13 year old sons’ band, to elementary schools. I achieved a bucket list goal of completing a 30 mile ultra marathon and I am now pursuing my dream of writing with the purpose of bringing others hope through my blog and a book that is in the works. I never truly believed I would make it this far, but as I’ve struggled it has been my growing faith that God will always have my back every single time I ask for help — I am living proof of that!– that has brought me to this moment. I vow to keep pressing on in the hopes my journey will help others see they too have a purpose and that there is hope.
There is always, ALWAYS hope!