- Alcohol
- Drugs
- Friends & Family
submitted by Susanne Johnson
When I look back on my childhood from the warm safe place I now sit, all the signs were there: The intense need for attention and affection (there was never enough), the obsessive interest in one hobby after another, always seeking that next distraction–that next feeling of ease and comfort. Looking back, I adore that kid now, for I know to some degree that he will always be a part of me. After that childhood boy grew, puberty and my interest in all things sexual began. This created intense feelings of shame and secrecy.
By the time I found drugs and alcohol, I was in my early twenties. Alcohol was good but made me queasy. Pot was ok but made me sleepy and stupid. Then I found crack and it was perfect! I had heard the dire warnings about it. It was 1985 and it was all over the news. My ego, which I later discovered was my true issue, told me that I would be different. I could handle it. And handle it I did for the first few times.
Anyone who has used this particular substance knows that it is a wicked task master. It wrings the soul out like an old dishrag. The short high and extreme phenomenon of craving robs the user of everything; money, possessions, job, relationships, self-esteem, and more at a marvelous rate. This was its curse and, as it turned out, its blessing for me.
Being an inexperienced and somewhat naïve Virginia boy, I was an easy mark for dealers and other users. Having not much money at the time, I often fell as prey to the desires of others and not always in a way that I felt good about the next day. Unlike alcohol, crack graciously allowed for perfect recall.
I tried to stop on my own. I tried everything I could think of. Some of my attempts were quite creative but always failed. I didn’t know then that the mind I thought was capable of beating this problem was the very thing that was causing it! Compartmentalization of my life–keeping my using life and my “normal” life separate–seemed my only course, however, the lines quickly blurred. I had lost control. It was an awful feeling to not know where I would end up when I walked out my front door.
I moved from Washington, DC to New York City in fall of 1991. I suppose it could be called a geographic. I had secured a new job there as I felt my old one was about to implode. I knew no one in the city and had never even visited before the interview. This proved to be very helpful, surprisingly. I reached the end of my rope with my drug of choice. It had only been five years since I took my first hit. Any other substance might have allowed me to stay out there longer but as I said, “Crack don’t play.” I knew I needed help so I did some research and found a 12 step meeting.
I didn’t know what to expect and was very nervous. I felt quite certain that my experiences were uniquely shameful. This idea was quickly dispelled as I listened to this eclectic group of people share quite openly some of the very things I thought so horrible–and laughed! What a sense of relief it was to not be alone anymore. Knowing no one else in the city, I quickly made a host of new friends in CA. They told me to keep coming back and this was also unexpected. Even when I slipped at 30 days they still wanted me back! That was on November 10th, 1992 and I have not had a drink or a drug since.
Through getting a sponsor and working the 12 steps, I obtained a design for living–the very thing I had sought but could not find on my own. It never occurred to me that I was powerless, much less that there was a power greater than me that could sustain me even through the most ravenous cravings for my drug of choice in those early days. I learned that many of the philosophies that work so well for others would not work for me. I was in a special class all right, just not the one I thought. My own concept of a God that could change and grow as I did was a new and wonderful idea. The opportunity to peek behind the iron curtain of resentment, rationalization, shame and guilt that kept me sick gave me a sense of freedom like I had never known. No more secrets and lies! I was given the opportunity to right my wrongs and begin anew.
Over the years AA has played an operative role in my life. I find that by practicing spiritual principles in all my affairs, my life has meaning and purpose. I have a set of tools at my disposal that allow me to deal with especially problematic character flaws as they arise. People are genuinely happy to see me and I them. I don’t constantly worry about things I can’t control. My first thought is not always about me. I give up my own time to help others. I used to think of it as a sacrifice but the rewards belie that notion. My defects no longer balk at investigation. I hope this means they no longer run riot but I suspect this is not always the case.
I have found that an open mind is one of the most important things I have gained through this process. It can be slippery to hold as the desire to close the book on certain ideas can be strong. Willingness to be wrong (or let someone else be right) is also a great gift! Even at my lowest points when I have wanted and even considered drinking and using, I have found that gratitude for what I have gained from this process can fend off the notion. I have the love and esteem of myself, my family, and my friends. I have the ability to be a worker among workers, I can look people in the eye and smile, I can love and forgive without condition, I have the ability to feel a full range of emotions (a mixed blessing to be sure). All this I have through access to a power that sustains me daily. Would I give this up due to a flash of anger, self-pity, depression, or hurt feelings? We think not!
There is so much more to say, but I’m sure you will hear what you need if you keep listening. I’ll leave you with this thought: If selfishness and self-centeredness is the root of my problem, then selflessness must be the ultimate antidote. When all else fails, be of service!