- Drugs
There were many hurts that I was trying to escape through drug use. I was physically and mentally abused by my son’s father. That’s when I first started using pills. I used them about three or four times a week, mainly when the abuse was bad. That lasted for about three years. When my daughter died, my addiction started to spiral out of control. My dad was losing my childhood home and tried to kill himself, and I found him. He lost his house, and then I lost mine. My addiction had officially taken over my life. I lost control of everything. I was high every day, all day. Nothing mattered but getting high. I didn’t want to feel anything or deal with anything.
I was very dishonest and disloyal. I stole from family and friends. I was always the victim and blamed everyone else for my problems. I neglected my kids and never spent time with them. I was very selfish. All I cared about was getting high, and I would get drugs at any cost, no matter who I lied to or hurt. I even stopped caring for myself. I would go days without showering or eating. I would get so high I would pass out anywhere. I almost burned my house down with me and my kids inside.
I ended up going to jail and lost my house and everything in it. I almost lost my kids. As I sat in jail, I was mad and blamed everyone else for me being there. When I got my six-month sentence, I was devastated. While I sat in jail, I had plenty of time to think about my life and where my life was. I was very unhappy and disappointed in myself. I was in a lot of emotional pain. I finally realized how bad I was hurting myself and my loved ones. I decided to take the time I had in jail to better myself. I started a job and started classes for addiction. I also started seeing a counselor on a weekly basis.
Life now is amazing! I work full time as an assistant manager and have my own place with with my husband and my kids. I go to the gym three times a week. I am involved in my son’s after-school activities. I am HAPPY and confident. Life still gets tough sometimes, but I have learned to cope with it instead of running and numbing it. In the past I had a hard time coping with loss. My son’s father was killed a year ago, just four months after I got out of jail. Before I would have just numbed the pain, but I learned that it’s okay to hurt and that I am a strong person. I knew my son needed me.
The single most important thing that keeps me sober today is my kids. I know they need me, and I can’t be the mother they need if I’m using. The most important truth I learned is that running from your hurt and numbing it only makes it worse and can destroy you. It’s okay to hurt and feel your feelings.
I am proud of myself. Here I stand 29 months sober when I once lost all hope and never thought I could do it. There are two pieces of advice that helped me on this road. “Don’t be afraid to ask for help.” I struggled with admitting I was weak and needed help. I was too ashamed. “Remember you can’t control others, but you can stay in control of yourself.” I have carried these two pieces of advice with me from the beginning.
I would tell people struggling with addiction they are not alone and there is help out there. I would tell them to be open and completely honest and believe in themselves. I would also tell them recovery is something they have to fight for. They are taking the first step to a new life, and if they really want it, they have to fight for it. Believe in yourself and never give up. When it seems too tough, ask for help and talk about it. It’s not going to be easy, but it will definitely be worth it. I believe in you!