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Submitted by: Susanne Johnson
My addiction started at a young age. It first showed itself when I was nine years old. I would get a weekly allowance and I would take it to the local liquor store and buy as much candy as I could. I would then sneak it into the house and eat it all as fast as I could. At some point, the allowance wasn’t enough and I began stealing from my parents. Sometimes it was money and sometimes it was sneaking sweets from the cupboard.
My drinking began when I would finish off the wine after parties at my house or Passover while clearing the tables. I can remember the warmth I felt in those moments. When I was 15, I started buying alcohol with the help of my brother. The embarrassing behavior started then.
At 23, I got married to my high school sweetheart. He had sworn off drinking and so I didn’t drink. During our 13-year marriage, I think I drank to excess (blackout) twice. Both times have become part of our family history. As my marriage crumbled, my eating became a problem again. This time, not only was I eating to excess, but I was also purging as well. At some point that stopped working and I turned back to alcohol. My behavior became out of control and my husband and I divorced. At that point, I was off and running.
I worked at a bakery at that time. My schedule was 5am to 2 pm each work day. I would get off of work, pick my kids up from school, and spend the afternoon with them. Their dad would pick them up around 7pm (because of my work hours, they couldn’t stay overnight). I would then go out to the bars and stay until closing only to go home, shower, and start the day over. I lost 50 pounds in a matter of months. Life was definitely out of control.
My drinking continued for six years until I was stopped dead in my tracks. I came home from work one night and began to drink as usual. Not long after starting, I was overcome by a horrific headache. I sometimes have migraines so I didn’t think much about it. Within a matter of minutes, I knew I was in trouble.
My kids were upstairs and I began calling for a babysitter so I could go to the hospital. While on the phone with my dad, he realized that I was having a stroke and called 911. I spent two months in the hospital followed up with another five months of rehabilitation. I was extremely lucky and was back at work within seven months. I stayed sober for those seven months, but the day they took me off of blood thinners, I was at the liquor store drinking again.
I spent the next two years drinking. I was blacking out each time and was completely out of control. I lost my job because of my drinking and can remember showing up to interviews drunk and couldn’t understand why I wasn’t landing any jobs.
In September 2012, I was the pickup driver for my 14-year-old daughter and her friends one night. I had been drinking all day and figured that if I stopped at 10 pm I would be fine for a midnight pick-up. On my way, I spun out on a freeway off ramp but continued on. I ended up rear-ending someone in a parking lot. That night, I was arrested for a DUI in front of my daughter and her friends.
That was my bottom. I realized that I had caused my daughter the most embarrassing moment of her life, and I knew that something had to change. I decided to kill myself. As I sat there with the pills and rum, I had a moment of clarity. I called a friend who got me to the hospital to detox.
My last drink was September 30, 2012. I recently celebrated four years of sobriety. I have come a long way since then. My daughters are back in my life and my relationship with them is better than ever. The support I have found in the 12-step fellowship, my family, and my friends can’t even be described.
Today, I stay sober by staying connected, working with my sponsor, being in service, and working with others. I was recently blessed with a job in a psychiatric hospital that treats those with dual diagnosis (mental illness and addiction). I would never have believed four years ago that I would be back where I started, giving back that which was given to me. I have truly been blessed with a life better than I could ever have dreamed of.