- Mental Health
My story is not that unusual, which is actually a key reason why I am sharing it. I was a heartbroken 18-year-old boy entering treatment with major depression, anxiety and stress. I was skeptical at first. I thought my situation did not need treatment.
I tried to commit suicide several times during the peak of my depression. I never thought I would get to that point in my life, and now I can’t believe the reason why I was there: I couldn’t handle it. I was overwhelmed. I had major communication issues with my family, a felony and misdemeanor charge pending and a GPA affected by my depression. I had spent all of my life savings (5K), lost my adored girlfriend of two years and even lost some friends who, coincidentally, never were my true friends. I had experienced drugs from ages 15 to 17 but never experienced any addiction issues. In this regard I was lucky and maybe even made some people jealous at my treatment center, but I didn’t need drugs, gambling or sex to make my life a living disaster. All I needed was my own mind thinking its most negative thoughts.
I was nervous coming into treatment. I trusted my gut on this one though and stuck it out and stayed in the treatment center. My life today is better than ever; today is my best day. Tomorrow will be better. I know this because I have a ton of optimism and hope now rather than wishful thinking. I have genuine hope and belief. I met amazing people in treatment. I learned so much from so many great people, doctors and addicts. Depressed or not, I always took in every experience for what it was worth and thought over it and what its significance might be. I came into treatment with absolutely no self-esteem, confidence, hope, desire or happiness.
While my depression is a disease much like addiction, my disease will eventually fade away. I don’t understand what it is like to be an addict, but I do understand that there are very similar tricks or tips to be learned in treatment that may help with addiction as well. Some workers at my treatment center are 25 years clean which is amazing, and I salute them for that. It can be depressing hearing all of the sad stories about deaths and whatnot resulting from addiction. Depression plays a similar role though, and I wouldn’t be writing this paper if it weren’t for treatment. I’d be lying in front of a tombstone because I cut my throat wide open.
Yes, I was suicidal for a long time, six months. While I seemed normal or seemed okay, I never failed to tell everybody I wasn’t. I think my loud mouth helped me in that sense. I lost what I believe to be false friends while my real ones stayed. I felt terrible for the lives that I touched during my depression. I ruined relationships and was irritable and vengeful. While I’m still a little bit vengeful, it is to a normal degree and not to the point where I daydream about how to ruin that person’s day for the rest of my day. We all have some things that need to be worked on.
My addiction was suicide. The idea of it seemed so easy to me. I would take any rejection personally and immediately turn to suicide/thoughts of suicide to make myself feel better. It sounds odd, but I felt more comfortable imagining myself dead. I was angry at a lot of people and the world. I was critical of myself, shameless and far from okay. I was lucky to have such a great family support system and friendship system. My family and I still are working on proper communication techniques, but my parents never gave up on me even though they stressed me out like no other.
I expected my senior year to be a dreadful experience. My ex-girlfriend and all of her friends are still at school. I almost killed myself because of this girl, this stupid girl. Yes I loved her, but she’s not nearly as important as I am. I will find another girl. I am in no hurry, because I still am a little worried about getting attached. I put everything I had into this little 93-pound girl, but she didn’t appreciate me. She lied to me. I felt like I had forgotten everything I knew. I felt I had been cheated of what I deserved. I felt myself go with her, because I had put all of me into us, if that makes sense. I put all of my well-being into our relationship. It was more than unhealthy; it was deadly. I envisioned a perfect relationship with a perfect girl in a perfect world. This was my first mistake. I never should have thought anything would be perfect. We spent more time avoiding problems than fixing them while we were together. This is a big issue with our past relationship. In fact this girl ended up being someone totally different than the girl I fell in love with a couple of years back. She’s not the person I imagined her to be during my suicidal phase. I put her on a pedestal. I made her better than me in my own mind. I made her my world. It was scary. I wish I would have gone through life without ever experiencing any of this. I wish I didn’t have to go to treatment. Some people don’t. It’s okay. Some people do. That’s okay also. What I learned the most was that everyone at the treatment center, addicts or not, had parallel issues from ages 18 to 52.
Life will never stop challenging us, and life will stop eventually. It is up to us to choose how we want to live. I have no religious preference, but nowadays I at least believe in myself and the betterment of people. I believe something is out there for me. I believe I will be okay. Before treatment I believed that suicide was the only way out. I now see every second for what it is worth. I ask myself, when something comes up, “Will it matter in five years?” I make each second count. I try not to look at the good or the bad. I look at what I have. I don’t yearn for what I don’t. I am grateful for the water without asking if the cup is half full or half empty. Treatment taught me so many life skills that I will continue to use and work on. I’m nowhere near perfect. Nobody is, but I am happy, and I want all of you to be happy. I know you can do it. I hit rock bottom, and I brought back a rock to show everyone what it looked like when I came back up to the top.
“In five years ask yourself, will this matter? If yes, change it, if not, let it be. Every second can be dreadful or amazing you are the determining factor of what each second can be.”