- Alcohol
- Drugs
Hello, I’m an addict. My name is Cathy. I must always remember I’m an addict first, and I get to be Cathy second.
Throughout life I felt like I never fit in. I always felt like I was never enough. The very first time I used alcohol, I used it to not feel. I was 14, and my 9-year-old sister had just drowned. My mom and dad beat each other up on the weekends. When drinking this magical liquid, I didn’t have to feel any of it. I was always trying to be what everyone else wanted me to be, because just being Cathy was never enough. I went on to use and abuse most drugs, however my drug of choice was and still is more. More dope, alcohol, sex, money, cloths, gambling, eating—anything to take me out of me! I was never happy in my own skin.
When I came into the rooms on September 21, 1986, at age 25, I found a new way of life. I found out who Cathy was, and through working the steps I came to love her. For the first time since I could remember I felt peace and contentment in my skin. I would like to tell you that I’ve been clean since 1986, but that’s not the case, as relapse is now a part of my story.
At one time I had 12 years clean. I thought I was “cured,” but then I wanted to get loaded more than I wanted to stay clean. Today I want to stay clean more than I want to get loaded. I had a great 12 years in recovery. I made a choice to go wine tasting with my sponsor and my grand sponsor. One of them is dead, and the other is still using. It took three years of controlling my disease, before I had a needle in my arm again. The next seven years took me to the darkest places I had ever been. I found myself divorced, homeless, in a motel with my two dogs and slinging dope to pay for the motel.
On Christmas Day, 2008, my mom and my youngest daughter came and picked me up and brought me from California back to Vegas. At 48 years old I was living with my mom and using. I stayed loaded for two more years. I had no intentions of ever getting clean again. I was bent on self destruction. I’m not sure what happened, but a power greater than myself had other plans. My moment of clarity was at my oldest daughter’s wedding. She was in recovery, and I promised I wouldn’t get loaded in her house. I saw the pain in my mom’s and my daughters’ eyes that day, and three days later my daughter was driving me to detox.
I couldn’t live right, and I couldn’t die right, so maybe I would try cleaning up one more time. By the grace of a very caring and loving higher power, an awesome sponsor and my support group I haven’t had to get loaded for 940 days in a row, nights and weekends included! I have walked through or hobbled through some painful stuff this time around. After I had four months of sobriety, my little sister died from a medical mistake. I didn’t have to pick up. At six months clean my dad died from cancer. I didn’t have to pick up. I’m a part of the no matter what club. My youngest daughter just gave birth to her first child, and I’m clear headed and present around my grandson. I have two other grandchildren from my oldest daughter, and I just got to spend the weekend with my whole family. Four generations of us were clean and present. I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams, and I don’t have to pick up. If you’re struggling, just know that if this one-legged, 52-year-old hopeless junkie can get clean, so can you! I just don’t use, no matter what.
Blessed Be,
Cathy